Those Gosh Darn Trump Kids

Trump rallyHitler YouthPence look alike

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence announces that he has signed an executive order to shorten the ISTEP+ exam to lessen the burden on students, their parents and teachers during a press conference at the Statehouse in Indianapolis, Monday, Feb. 9, 2015. (AP Photo/Michael Conroy)


I heard that Trump’s adult children will be speaking on his behalf at the Republican National Convention and Circus event tonight. That should be interesting. Other speakers who have taken their turn at the GOP podium already include his pleasantly plagiarizing wife Melania and the Donald’s choice for Vice President, Mike Pence. It seems he tried to change it to Vladimir Putin at the last minute but the statute of limitations for despotic leaders in cahoots had already run out. Both Melania and Magic Mike look like characters from some old James Bond movie. Pence especially fits the central casting image of the KGB assassin on the train with close cropped white hair shaped like a Nazi infantry helmet. He looks like his stage name could have been Helmut Pence which is a sharp counterpoint to Trump’s neverending combover.  Maybe that’s what Trump meant by saying he wanted someone with a complementary skill set. Melania is a shoo-in for every tall willowy Bond Girl with a strong Eastern European accent and killer body that would look good in a black lawn trash bag or just a respectable Republican cloth coat.

All humor aside, I have a nagging fear that the Trump kids may eventually be to blame for causing the end of the world. Sound overblown? While Trump’s amateurish presidential campaign staff comes and goes (usually due to self-inflicted stupidity like stealing speech lines from the First Lady or knocking down female journalists) the five Trump children from three different marriages represent more permanent fixtures in his life.They are formidable forward observers and informal political advisors. Being narcissistic extensions of Trumps Death Star ego, they also seem to have their insane father’s ear. While others write them off as spoiled boarding school brats and 30-something East Hampton party animals, they may turn out to be the Millennial generation brain trust that keeps the campaign from going off the rails like we all thought it would by now. If it wasn’t for their goyishe good looks, Ivy league educations, innate business skills and precocious political instincts, Donald might well have stepped off a cliff while posting unseemly selfies and inappropriate Twitter feeds. There has got to be another explanation for his unlikely success and continuing survival in the dog-eat-dog Republican race besides dumb luck or divine intervention. It’s obvious to me that these bright blond-haired Teutonic Trump spawn are banding together and using their Children of the Corn/ Marvel super-hero powers to protect his psychic aura and keep him from taking a megalomaniacal swan dive off the American political stage.
Bottomline: Even taking into account his teflon exterior and Goodyear blimp self-esteem that allows him to say ridiculous things without suffering political consequences there HAS to be something else working in his favor. I have ruled out witchcraft, devil worship, his lucky “Armani underwear” or his 14K gold Lacoste baby alligator key chain. So far I cant figure it out but dont worry, I’m not going to stop putting forth my various theories.

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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