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Death video of Geraldo..or Gaddafi..or both

 

In a tragic case of mistaken identity, Geraldo Rivera was shot to death today by Libyan rebels who mistook him for the deranged dictator Muammar Gaddafi. Rivera was said to have died shortly after rebel fighters overran loyalists defending the coastal town of Sirte – finally ending the last remnants of Gaddafi’s 42 year hold on Libya.

 

Libyan National Transitional Council official Abdel Mlegta said ” I swear the guy looked just like Gaddafi!! He even had the same bad hair…We’re really sorry.” The celebrity reporter was wounded in both legs at dawn today as he attempted to relieve himself in a drainage pipe right next to the cowering strongman who had fled in a heavily armed convoy which NATO warplanes attacked.

 

“I swear to Allah we couldnt tell who was who” the official said. “There was a lot of firing against his group and he just wouldn’t stop talking so we shot him. Neither of them made any sense.” The rebels later recaptured the real Libyan leader and executed him after beating him with shoes as is their national custom.

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Capt Cliff’s Cliff Notes on Dolphin Lover Book

 

 

Ok, time for a major reality check. I have written extensively about recent news articles detailing men who loved horses a bit too much. Yep, I said horses or horsies, not ho’s or horticulture. Now we see a new book, “Wet Goddess” about a man who fell in love with a 400 pound female dolphin and regularly consummated his beyond PETA love affair……I repeat, with a dolphin. As a certified sex therapist, well aware of Alfred Kinsey’s research on the prevalence of bestiality (farm living predictably has the highest “window of opportunity” for such May-December romances) I am not that surprised. What is more surprising is how supportive the younger generations are of sex between….absolutely anything.

 

It seems Star Trek, Star Wars, Planet of the Apes, Dragon Con, the Furry Movement, Avatar, and maybe a Twilight Zone episode I cant quite remember have taken things well beyond the Baby Boomers meek struggle in support of equality and interracial relationships, (ie. beyond differences like someone who is Reform Jewish hooking up with someone who is Modern Orthodox?) and spinning off into an intergalactic hodgepodge of socially and anthropologically acceptable liaisons. The author of the book claims his human girlfriends were aware of his tryst with Flipper and were totally cool about it…..hmmm. I am beginning to feel like a prude for like the first time in my life. For one thing, how do we know that the cetacean partner was saying “yes, yes, yes” and not “get off me you freak”…. by her eyes, her squeaks, or just her echo locating sonar?? Maybe I should think this through before blogging away like a marine mammal church lady. I’m just sayin’, if he was Jewish, how do you tell your mother you are in love with a goyische shiksa who not only EATS shellfish but IS pretty much shellfish….so to speak???

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On Weiner’s weiner

I’ve been asked my professional opinion of the “weiner” scandal. I cant believe people are so immature and titillated by tweeted crotch shots (no, that wasn’t a pun). I will not lower myself to the b-anal level of the mass media and their talking heads….That wasn’t a cheap shot either. Apparently, the actual x-rated photo was “leaked” today, released by a couple of radio shock jocks short of common decency. I will now look at the offending photo…..OH MY GODD!!  If this reaches the level of criminal prosecution, I promise there will NOT be a hung jury. 

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CaptCliff on: Breaking News in Zimbabwe

We all know how well social media and the Internet keep us abreast of the news. Cellphone ads make fun of how even a 30 second delay in information can leave us hopelessly behind. That is why I am so grateful for the kind of breaking news that I can wake up to online as I drink my morning cup of coffee. Why even attempt to put on my bedroom slippers and shuffle out to the driveway to get the snail mail newspaper? By the time I unwrap the paper from its irritating plastic bag It will be old news anyway, maybe even 24 hours behind the times. This morning I got caught up on the most significant stories on AOL and Yahoo including the 911 call from the Seinfield actor who shot himself in the head and perhaps even more important, the elderly guy in Zimbabwe who got his testicles torn off on his way to work when he crossed a crocodile infested river. I am impressed by the global reach  of these news outlets and appreciate the fact that my own testicles are still intact and undisturbed by giant crocodiles. Talk about a dangerous commute…….I realize some cynics would harp about the sensational nature of news coverage online, each attempting to one up each other in salacious details and TMZ like celebrity obsession. However, Jonah, the elderly eunuch in Zambabwe was by no means a celebrity when he encountered the manhood eating amphibian. Well, at least he wasn’t 5 minutes ago….. I heard he may have a book deal in the works now and Pixar is in negotiations for a 3D movie. Studio exes are throwing around a working title for Jonah’s not so excellent adventure. I suggest either, “Ball-e” or “The Scrotum King”. Morgan Freeman may or may not be interested in the role but I will bet he is going to insist on a stunt double for this blockbuster.

 

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CaptCliff on Social Comparison: Damn you Zuckerberg!

A good friend in the Chicago area saw fit to send me an article detailing the mental health risks inherent in being on Facebook too much. Gee, I wonder what she is trying to tell me? As per my denial, that seemed sufficient cause to write another useless but highly self-important blog “note” on Facebook……this time about Facebook.  According to the article the main problem with being glued to the social network (would updating ones FB status while going number two count?) pertains to the negative effects of what is called “social comparison”, our hard-wired tendency to see what others have and are doing in life, and then measure our own measly lives in comparison…thus insuring our view of ourselves as total losers.

 

Ok, I admit that the 47803 people I have Facebook stalked at 3AM, including their many return trips to Barcelona and luxury beach vacations in Buenos Aires have probably not resulted in a significant rise in my self-esteem. I also acknowledge that seeing former girlfriends who dumped me like an old shoe 35 years ago now driving Porsche Carreras with ultra soft premium grade baseball glove leather seats does not exactly stimulate my higher mind and Cosmic consciousness. Still, I’m not sure I can really blame Facebook for it…even tho I would love to blame somebody for my vicious revenge fantasies and intermittent desire to garrote Mark Zuckerberg with a piano wire. How could I really blame anyone else for noticing that I only have 120 Facebook “friends” after 3 years of  literally trolling the known universe for people who either knew me, remembered me or occupied the adjacent bathroom stall at the DMV? The fact that I had to pay my neighbors 11 year old son to comment on several of my recent status updates is not relevant to the discussion, either. The idea that comparing myself to others could lead to clinical depression seems rather far fetched, particularly since ads for Viagra, anti-depressants, botox and adult diapers seem to be the mainstay of the type of commercial products that show up on my Facebook page. Not that I believe for a second “they” are using my demographic data to target my obvious physical and mental decline. If I believed everything I saw or read on Facebook, I would see myself as a drooling, dottering senior citizen with severe plumbing problems. How the hell did they know??! Damn you Zuckerberg!! Anyway, the main point is there is some validity to the idea that one needs to occasionally set aside the laptop, unplug ourselves from the Matrix and live life on it own terms. I just dont know how I will know what to do with myself since i have made coveting other peoples way cool lives and nice stuff my principal obsession. Tapas in Barcelona anyone?

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CaptCliff Gets Serious: On Human Cruelty and Violence

Prepare Yer Self Mateys, CaptCliff is going to attempt the near impossible by becoming serious for a moment. I’ve been thinking about the ubiquitous “mob mentality” and about human violence. I’ve alluded to the subject in an earlier blog note about the London riots last summer, but that was a paltry observational essay dripping in self righteousness and convenient condescension toward the young and restless. Hooligan behavior among rabid soccer fans, Canadian NHL sore losers, and discontented Brits on school break doesn’t quite cut the muster in explaining the ever present human tendency toward becoming a swarming violent horde and rampaging fascist minded crowd. Even Freud’s theories and Stanley Milgram’s social psych experiments at Stanford pale and fail to satisfy my need to understand how and why (and throughout time) people “rise up” and then, when prompted by the right Hitlerian match, actually ENJOY the feeling of hurting and killing others or creating human scapegoats to burn on the altars of their hatred. I’m not just talking about the proverbial Jew in Auschwitz, Christian in the Roman Coliseum,  black lynching, gay bashing,  bullied preteen on Facebook or Private Pyle relentlessly harassed in the barracks until he feels the need to blow his own head off.  All of these examples apply but still fall short.

 

 

 

We are human beings programmed to adapt and survive. It’s in our DNA. But there is something else lurking there in the shadows of our ancestral genes and neuro anatomy. The really “good” people reading this will say they dont know what I am talking about. They will say that they, unlike myself, do not feel a reflexive sense of envy, jealousy, resentment or greed when “others” get the job promotion or pay raise they dont, lose more weight, have nicer cars and/or seem to have charmed lives even tho they may or may not be much bigger assholes. Conversely they will deny ever feeling the sense of twisted pleasure or Schadendreude when others screw up in life and snicker as we drive our little go carts past the smoking wreck of somebody elses life. We all just are trying to “get by” as the Motown song goes. But what if they (the ones with the mean streak or green mile of envy down their back) or, even I, were suddenly “put in charge”? What if every other Joe schmo and his loser brother looked to CaptCliff for direction and gave me the temporary title of “Reich Fuhrer” or “Generallisimo” or even uber Russian oligarch for a day? Would I become surprisingly comfortable with not only a dacha in the country, a shiny new BMW, several mistresses and more specifically a private firing range where people I dont like get used as cannon fodder or for target practice?   My brain could even adjust itself, under such unusual circumstances, to the intriguing notion that I might be some kind of “supreme being” and therefore, by logical deduction “you are not”. I can even imagine thinking “whats mine is mine and what yours is mine”.  Its sort of like the Saddam Hussein version of Forrest Gump. The same kind of power hungry henchman or hedge fund manager seems to eventually show up to rob people blind and/or purify the race and /or instruct somebody else how to do it. Whether it is a corporation or country there seems to be a tendency towards a general loss of “humanity” and compassion towards others who have either less or more, which is by my calculation…. just about everybody. So, some seemingly random everyday schmuck with charisma and oratory skills, whether it is Qaddafi , Goering or Gordon Gecko gets handed the responsibility for human life and other peoples livelihoods on a silver platter and inexplicably, like Hannibal Lecter decides to dine on the guests rather than on their own nicely plated goose and good fortune. Even these scenario have at least some social and economic explanatory power, as we all know and accept the fact that power corrupts. Why else carry around gold plated pistols or a riding crop with inlaid precious metals? Historically speaking there is even some ultimate karmic reconciliation or morality lessons to be learned as the hunter often ends up becoming the hunted, the ruthless hedge fund manager becomes somebody’s bitch in prison, and the deranged leader of mice and goose stepping geese in formation often become the cooked goose on somebody elses monogrammed dinnerware.

 

 

 

However, all of the above doesnt even begin to help me negotiate the idea of a surging crowd with or without pitchforks, drunk on killing and maiming innocents, full of bloodlust and temporary insanity which only later subsides into circumspect silence and pronouncements of  “I didnt know” and “I was only following orders” and “I guess I didnt pay attention when the rest of the class was reading the Lord of the Flies”. I realize that we are all animals of some form or fashion. I accept that we all have base features and rather banal primal instincts and desires. Science suggests we are more vicious chimp then we are hippie-ish free loving bonobo. I know we are morally and ethically held together loosely by neurochemical glue, wires, axons and dendrites of higher and lower emotional reactions and limited impartial intellect. We all have psychological tipping points that are much closer to a short fuse on an IED and less like our Ipads or smart phones programmed artificial intelligence. Still, I cant fathom the millions of ways homo sapiens have figured out to hurt, rob, steal and especially kill other human beings, and then, especially, not feel too bad about it. I tend to feel bad about everything, my divorce, my kids pain and suffering, my personal failures, and most especially by all those I have hurt in the process of becoming a so called adult. I hope, like Woody Allen, that I’m not a member of that kind of “country club”, the one that accepts me for my innate privileges and pernicious tendencies. In that case, I’d rather stand alone on the ship’s bridge and steer her toward a distant port called the Painful Truth.

  

  Cliff Mazer, Ph.D. is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and humorist living in Atlanta, Georgia. He blogs on Facebook under the alter-ego of CaptCliff

 

  Contact: 404-932-7193

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CaptCliff on the Pooping Bandit in Connecticut

Alert readers will note a particular set of colorful “themes” woven through the seemingly random, albeit warped tapestry of CaptCliff’s disparate writings. Perhaps due to my recent diagnosis of IBS, also called spastic colon or irritable bowel syndrome (to my closest friends and family) there has been a noticeable rise in content, so to speak, having to do with bowel function. This may seem alarming to those guys and goys who are uncomfortable talking about the natural ebb and flow in our digestive tracts that, if we are lucky enough, ends up in the sewer system via our modern sanitation technology, aka, the toilet. Some of the “afflicted” arent so lucky, as was reported in this recent news article. Let me break it down: A man in Connecticut, a fellow sufferer of IBS decides to rob a bank, and coincidentally takes his wife a child with him…dont ask me why. The weird and ewwwy part is that he gets nervous and cant “make it” through the entire hold -up and ends up pooping in the bank parking lot. Yeah, I’m not kidding. I’m totally serious. This shit actually happened, for real. Anyway, he makes for one lousy criminal as you well can imagine because 1) he lack the patience and fortitude of a successful criminal AND 2) he frickin’ left a literal shitload of evidence at the crime scene!!

 

I know he isn’t asking for my wisdom or advise either as a Clinical Psychologist or as someone who worships the ceramic God known as Toto, but  I’m thinking that the guy (The Pooping Bandit) needs to find a profession more attuned to his life and lifestyle. We can all agree it’s generally bad form as well as a bad idea,  as a bank robber,  to leave a trail of such obvious (as well as odorous) forensics , dont you think? I truly dont mean to discriminate but I do have an extra copy of “What Color is My Parachute” lying around her somewhere that I’d be glad to send to the guy…. if I can find out where he is incarcerated. Speaking of toilets, I hope he likes the stainless one piece models cuz I think he is going to be there a while.  Arrrgh!

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CaptCliff on “Why I Hate Lawyers”

Why I Hate Lawyers

 

Look, I know nobody is going to read this. It is way too unbelievable. But it is indicative of my perception of the world today…..and how very lost so many people are. The Kardashians are just the tip of the idiocy iceberg. Here is a story, now a few years old, taken from Law.com. The story is essentially about the legal  fallout from the  billion dollar Scott Rothstein ponzi scheme case in South Florida. The details dont matter…except of course to all the poor people who lost their life savings. The real point, if you scan the short article, is how convoluted and ridiculous the whole things has become as lawyers sue lawyers and attorneys hire other attorneys to defend them ad infinitum. If you squint your eyes a bit it would seem all of Ft Lauderdale is owned and run by law firms, with an occasional car dealership thrown in there for Sopranos like flavor. I was in Florida recently and the place was gorgeous. The homes near the ocean and on the bay are beautiful, with lovely landscaping and adorable boutiques and gourmet grocery stores. Who would know that there is a Gordon Gecko like Wall Street magnate or Tony Montana Scarface figure upstairs in their Flagler inpired stucco mansions busy snorting mounds of cocaine while bilking investors of their life savings and pension funds? I get it but I dont. Maybe I’m even a little jealous that I dont get to live large and have a cigarette racing boat moored off my private pier, not to mention the champagne brunches and a Rolls Royce valet parked at the Breakers in Palm Beach and oh yeah, a silver Bentley getting detailed at the Biltmore in Ft. Lauderdale. The places seem to literally ooze money. I felt somehow grateful that the coffee shop at the Breakers was willing to guest stamp my $20 valet fee on my economy rental car when I visited there for an hour. I got a hot tea and a tuna sandwich…for $20 and felt like I won the lottery. Of course they only let us “peer” over the fence to see the magnificent pool area. They were nice about it but insisted the pool and spa were “reserved” for hotel clients and “special guests”…probably mostly friends of Scott Rothstein and his attorneys……with a few Chinese and Japanese tourists thrown in for flavor. Get my drift mateys ?

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Pedro and Buddy News Update

News update regarding Buddy and Pedro, the so called gay penguins at the Toronto Zoo. The zookeepers split the pair up last month in an attempt to get some of the female penguins preggers. While the zoology community barely batted an eyelid, the public at large were more divided. A few outspoken observers smelled something fishy…..so to speak, about zoo policy breaking up the monogamous pair and their well established “bromance”..Well…… apparently Buddy, the older of the two, far from crying in his anchovy bowl over the whole thing, went for the bait and within three days successfully hooked up with a chick, well, a female who may have some chicks. Pedro, the younger of the two studmuffins, may need to call the Celebrity Matchmaker as he has, at present, failed to find new love around the cement pond (an old Beverly Hillbillies reference).  CaptCliff has his spyglass on the situation and will keep you informed.

 

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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/huff-wires/20111209/us-penis-silicone-injection-death/

From bird penises (in a previous blog) to people with bird brains, the News of the Weird gets only weirder. Let me break it down: a girl who looks like a guy in drag who also pretends to be a plastic surgeon injects silicone into the penis of a male customer who hopes to be “enlarged” by the experience. He does this at the guys house in New Jersey, I guess for the sake of convenience and to avoid having to take public transportation. Paging Conrad Murray, M.D. ??   Instead of ending up with a bigger “package”, the patient, aka “dumbshit” ends up dead, special delivery to the county morgue thanks to the silicone causing a fatal embolism. The pseudo surgeon, who also looks like a cross between a crack addict and a hooker is arrested. The victim, Justin Street, age 22 will be remembered for his……………….. absolute stupidity.  Again, we must use the news to teach us important life lessons and to avoid repeating similar mistakes ourselves….yeah, right.  Here’s the most obvious: 1) dont go cheap with the plastic surgery, especially in New Jersey. 2) if you have to believe in a rip-off penis enlarging scam, stick to ones that wont probably kill you, like say a combination Swedish vacuum pump/ penis enlarger (see Austin Powers for details). 3) Even if your last name is Street, dont expect people to name anything after you once you do something really really stupid. You may, however, make it onto cable TV’s “1000 Ways to Die” show. 4) To the fake doctor who will hopefully end up in jail, dont give up hope of ever having a career and/or relationship in prison. Not only are there a broad array of correspondence courses in the pen, but if Joran Van der Sloot can get a gf who happens to be a nutjob doctor, you too could find a lunatic to love you someday.   Arggh!   

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