Really? Is this what social media and web journalism have finally come to? How pathetic is it, and how desperate for user “hits” and internet “traffic” is the Huffington Post anyway?
Yesterday, I was surfing the internet for basic information about dinosaurs in a futile but game attempt to avoid important life decisions and adult responsibilities. There was some generic dinosaur story posted (dont ask me what it was about because that was nearly 24 hours ago) and when I clicked on it I was IMMEDIATELY sent to a slide show link (see below) on “dinosaur sex”. Yes, DINOSAUR SEX. I didn’t even ask to see or preview the shocking and hellacious depictions of Jurassic Park creatures copulating before the graphic multi- image “show” began flashing before my eyes automatically, leaving literally NOTHING to ones imagination or to natural history’s private desk drawer. Once I regained my composure and realized I was now probably on a secret FBI database as a life long dedicated dinosaur porn user, I surrendered to my innate curiosity and learned a thing or two.
For example, I learned that dinosaurs do it from behind, like all domestic farm animals and Jenna Jameson. I also learned that most dinosaurs didnt even have penises. Instead, both male and females had “cloacas”, best described as all-purpose body cavities that were used for copulation, urination, and defecation. Um, ewww…
You could have blown me over with a Pteradactyl feather, if they indeed did have feathers, which they probably did not. This was all incredible new information, even for myself, CaptCliff, Dr. Mazer, the licensed sexologist and certified sex therapist and possible now unintentional dinosaur pervert. For some reason, and I say this with great shame and embarrassment, I figured that almost all of those enormous dog bone shaped fossils they find in Utah or Uganda were either Brontosaurus femurs or random prehistoric penises left for posterity, so to speak.
As a boy, around age ten or eleven, I distinctly remember going to the Field Museum of Natural History in Chicago and standing agog beneath “Sue” the largest, most complete and best-preserved Tyrannosaurus rex in the world. My next thought back then was, “If she’s that big, how big was her boyfriend, and….how big was his dino dong??!! At 13-foot-tall and 42-feet-long not counting her razor-sharp teeth and massive legs, the mental image of Mr. Sue and his Triassic shlong was “daunting”, especially to a boy my age, with or without a fledgling sized Portnoy’s Complaint complex….. Talk about penis envy. I guess what I really learned is that we need more dinosaur sex education for human beings, and the scholarly Huffington Post intends to teach us all the down and dirty about dinosaurs, whether we like it or not.