Space Fart From Hell


space fart

The popular saying,”What goes around comes around” apparently also applies to God. Scientifically speaking you cant just decide on a whim to “Let there be light” and not pay some kind of astronomical consequence. Science matters and space matter is subject to the exact same Laws of Thermodynamics that the rest of us are. Let me explain based on something I just read on the all-perfect internet. Bottomline: We’re all gonna die. There is no use fooling ourselves any longer. We’re doomed. In fact, it’s useless to wake up every morning all perky and in denial and drive off to work pretending to be invincible. Why? Because you can recover from a serious heart attack. You can dodge a speeding automobile driven by some intoxicated meth addict with one broken tooth. You can even overcome the odds and survive a hoard of venomous reptiles, spiders and man-eating sharks while on vacation in Australia. But, none of us will make it past the ginormous space fart heading our way at 700,000 miles an hour. I’m not making this up. This is it. We are done for. We’re toast.

In typical Armageddon, 2012, Day After Tomorrow screenplay fashion some geeky scientist has spotted a monstrous fire and brimstone hydrogen and sulfur cloud of death using data gleaned from the Hubble Telescope over a decade ago. Dubbed the “Smith Cloud”, this Jodie Foster wannabe apparently didn’t publicize her findings due to not wanting to “alarm” us all …or maybe because she didn’t want her Apple shares and Home Depot stock to plummet. That’s right. Masking tape, window coverings, and a couple sheets of fire-resistant wonder board aint gonna stop this death star debris from incinerating us well before we can make it to our survival bunkers to “duck and cover”. Nor is there a good phone app available to Millennials for surviving something so enormous and catastrophic that it could consume their favorite DragonCon/Marvel super-heroes without even trying. It’s basically game over. Maybe the best thing to do is just relax and mindfully ponder our transitory existence. Perhaps we should reflect on what we as a highly  intelligent sentient species have learned over our 2 million years of non-stop evolution. That’s exactly what I tried to do this morning by watching dozens of viral videos on You Tube. It’s now clear to me (after that visual exercise)  that we have learned very little except how cute kittens can be and how vile, vacuous, and annoying most teenagers are. To be fair, there are also hordes of vile and vacuous jumbo-sized adults lumbering around in Walmart stores sporting spiky mullets, inane t-shirts, and bare midriffs with doughy muffin-tops …especially in Florida and Ohio. Someone someday needs to explain THAT  extraordinary geographic phenomena to me. Anyway, we can still take solace in small favors, like the fact that if we all die a horrible and painful death due to a chemical poison cloud from Hell, so will Casey Anthony, OJ Simpson, Jodi Arias, and now that I think of it, Ted Cruz.  In the case of the first three people, their high priced lawyers wont get them out of this well-deserved death penalty and final destination-like date with destiny. That does feel somewhat better and I don’t give a hoot how many concussions OJ sustained playing football or snorting coke behind bars. He still killed people and watched them bleed out while wearing very expensive Bruno Magli dress shoes. Unforgivable. Finally, while I realize that this devil fart/ Smith cloud thing is not actually due to boomerang back to Earth for another 30 million years  1) you never know if it might decide to act like a drunk teenager on bath salts and push the pedal to the metal thus getting here much sooner and 2) the mere idea of death by cosmic stink bomb is enough to make many people go insane well before it’s knocking on their door and not giving a flying crap if we put a big X in blood on the doorpost out front as if to say, “Hey umm… remember Passover?

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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