CaptainCliff on Facebook friends

I’ve been pleasantly surprised by all the genuine support I’ve received on Facebook for my seemingly endless medical problems this year. Like my son Ari’s old Volvo station wagon, my physical body, a usually resilient entity has decided to show its wear and tear in the form of multiple symptoms and warning signs in Stardate 2011. I will not elaborate here, knowing to reserve the gory details for my special interest blogs, “Howls for Bowels” and “The Hypochondriac Chronicles”. I’ve learned several valuable life lessons including the following: 1) doctors will gladly take your money any day of the week until it (the savings account) is all gone 2) the closer you look and the more medical tests you get, the more problems you find….returning one to point number one….and with more anxiety 3)  Doctors are alot like car mechanics, only they have much cleaner hands and fingernails. 4) With apologies to Michael Jackson, Novocaine and Propofol are miracle drugs. I am really glad I wasn’t awake for my colonoscopy procedure, but glad my GI doc was nice enough to send me a complete set of color slides of his journey up my rectum. It looks facinating and only needs an appropriate accompanying musical sound track (Out of Africa? The English Patient? Apocalypse Now?)  5) Speaking of the British (one doctor and two nurses), when they say the phrase “medical issues”, I instinctively want to say, “Gezuntheit!”


All in all it’s been a tough year and I just want to say thanks to the people who give a shit. Of course I notice the people who care enough to post a reply tend to be nearer to my age group, which probably means young people are too busy feeling invulnerable to be concerned about esoteric subjects like black tarry stools and strange looking moles with irregular borders. Speaking of irregularity, drinking a gallon of florescent laxative followed by having a tv camera dragged slowly and repeatedly through my intestines might have actually done me some good. Sort of like having the plumber come out and  roto-rooter a clogged toilet after first pouring an industrial sized vat of Drano down the magic bowl. Of course it was about 100 times more expensive and I am still considering wearing Depends to the grocery store……….but at least I feel alot lighter. Has anyone seen my liver and spleen? Last I saw them they were washed away in a tsunami following my pre-op “cleansing”. Lastly, a shout out to the four separate doctors and dentists who blithly prescribed me pain pills and sleeping pills to help with my “discomfort” without  me even asking, both before and after I had anything actually done medically . No wonder we have a drug problem in this country. That did, however, help me feel less pain when I got all the medical bills and saw how little the insurance covered. Now that I think of it, I really believe my car mechanic should be able to prescribe narcotics as well………it would help me with my PTSSD  (Post Repair Traumatic Sticker Shock Disorder ). Arrgh……

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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