CaptainCliff on the “Woman bites off man’s testicles” news

The Blogger’s life is not easy. How does one decide exactly which of the literally hundreds of internet stories trumpeted each day online are actually newsworthy enough to comment upon? The task is made even more difficult in this technological age due to the fact that “news” is now a highly subjective phenomena, and not something easily determined just because the mainstream media says so. Recent case in point: a highly touted story titled “Woman Bites Off Man’s Testicles”. Without a doubt the initial headlines provoke immediate reader interest, great sympathy and well, morbid curiosity. After CaptCliff was finished with his own reflexive visceral reaction to the story (insert cartoon depiction of man with mortified look on face grabbing his private parts and lying in exaggerated fetal position to denote horror, fear, and loathing) he was left to ponder the deeper meaning, broader philosophical questions and the conundrum involving such an obviously gruesome event, such as, “WTF!! How did that happen!!?? Was this sexual role-play gone awry, a simple drunken stupor or an intimate “tea bagging” ceremony fueled by MDMA and Crystal Meth??”  Many questions go unanswered, even after reading the article and comparing the various news outlets reporting the breaking story. A good blogger always has a moral compass lying around somewhere to offer perspective and perhaps a tad bit of wisdom or advise to any who might be interested. What advise does CaptCliff, the aging sage and certified sex therapist have to offer his loyal readers and any future subscribers who might accidentally stumble across his morning rants and twisted writings? It is this: 1) never leave your most vulnerable assets exposed to sharp moving objects that have a blood alcohol level over .10.  2) In addition,  do NOT tempt the Gods of luck or misfortune by hanging the family jewels over an angry drunk with a diminished capacity and limited use of her pre-frontal cortex. In fact, this is exactly why evolution, God almighty and even the intelligent design(er) of the universe probably decided  to give us a prefrontal cortex in the first place…to make rational decisions of moral consequence. In other words most of us, if presented in an experimental condition, with a set of hanging hairy balls, otherwise known as testicles in front of us would not choose to bite them off. We would at least think about it first. What would be the advantage to doing so and what might be the consequences entailed retrospectively? Unfortunately, some people never learn and in a strange way are acting as their own evolutionary executioner. In the case mentioned the stupid schmuck got stitched up by the doctors (imagine their coffee table conversation afterwords) and was sent home to recuperate, probably by squatting on a ginormous mound of ice while popping Ibuprofen and Oxycontin like candy corns on Halloween. I can only guess what his female partner is dressing up as this coming weekend…….ie. Vanna the Vasectomy Vampire? Anyhoo….that’s in the news today and now you know even more than ever… to keep your powder dry and your tea bags in the right kind of mug. Arrgghh!!

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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