CaptCliff’s Annoying Morning: Why The Bleep Am I Up??

Who was it who said if you wake up at 4:23 AM, it means you are supposed to “use” that time wisely and productively? Oh yeah, it was…..Wayne Dyer. He said this early awakening is “sacred spirit time” and space in which one is “compelled” to feed ones soul and deeper consciousness. What a shmuck!  Normally I just feed my man gut by shuffling down to the kitchen naked with the exception of  my flip flops and eating a sleeve of fig newtons and a box of Wheat Thins. Thankfully, I am too tired to do that this morning and just want to lie here and get back to sleep…if that’s even possible. Even more annoying is my cell phone which, without its charger (I lost it weeks ago)  keeps going off and doing that “Im about to die” sound every 30 seconds which is so bleeping annoying I want to throw it against the wall. So die already! Who’s stopping you? I’m not, since I cant see the damn thing in the dark, let alone find it under a pile of old clothes and a dozen pillows that have fallen off the bed in my nightly ritual of Sleep Apnea Twister followed by the Restless Leg Hokie Pokie. By morning time it looks like a CSI crime scene in my bedroom and Elliot is standing over me saying, “well,look what we have here”. Dont hurt me Elliot. Why IS he so angry anyway? At least can somebody please find my phone and throw it against the wall for me?  OMG, its still chiming or chirping or whatever it does before it goes out….the fucking thing wont just die like a normal shitty cell phone. It will drop calls all day long and go off for lack of “connectivity” during an important conversation but then do the “I’m dying” annoying noise all nite!! I know heart patients in ICUs on monitors who dont last near this long….. Oh great, now my Mac computer is flashing the “low battery power” graphic too. I hate that just as much. I like the Mac laptop better then the PC’s because the porno viruses dont seem to take hold nearly as often (good job Steve Jobs) but couldnt they have figured out a way to NOT have the back of the laptop reach temperatures approaching the magma core of the earths crust? I mean, I could bake a lasagna on my lap right now while typing this in bed and, in fact, I think I just have and this particular recipe calls for sausage and angel hair..pasta. Jesus, you can get a 3rd degree burn from the area where the charger plug goes in. Of course the charger itself and the annoying little plug have also fallen out over nite like everything else, and have miraculously ended up stuck UNDER my back along with three or four razor sharp popcorn kernels which are lodged into the small of my back like evil corn kernel pac-men. I feel like I’m in the fricking Matrix with the USB cord protruding from my back. GEE I WONDER WHAT POSSIBLY WOKE ME UP SO EARLY? Wayne Dyer you pretentious SOB, you can bite my ass. I’m gonna fly to Maui, wake you up super early and wrap you up in phone chargers and computer cables….if I can find any that fit properly………

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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