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Monthly Archives: March 2012
The Impossible Dream Trip: A Holy Toilet Pilgrimage
I am I, Don Quixote, The Lord of La Mancha, My destiny calls and I go….to the bathroom. That’s right. Since being diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome last year my interest in bathrooms and toilet technology … Continue reading
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CaptCliff on The Powers of Poo
Within the fields of scatology and coprology, the so called “twin sciences of shit” , there are many deep dark mysteries…so to speak. I noticed one of these strange occurrences this morning. However, please dont go off the deep end … Continue reading
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CaptCliff on Recovering from Holiday Shopping
Recovering From Holiday Shopping by Cliff Mazer, Ph.D. on Wed, January 4th, 2012 at 12:55pm I dont know about you but I’m still recovering from my holiday shopping. I wasn’t pepper sprayed at Walmart and I dont mean the … Continue reading
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CaptCliff blogs on “Gog and Magog”
“Gog and Magog” is a rather vague biblical phrase referring to people and places that threaten the status quo and are somehow associated with the final apocalyptic vision. Originally perceived as a brutal and barbaric tribal horde living well to … Continue reading
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CaptCliff on the Pooping Bandit in Connecticut
CaptCliff on the Pooping Bandit in Connecticut
Alert readers will note a particular set of colorful “themes” woven through the seemingly random, albeit warped tapestry of CaptCliff’s disparate writings. Perhaps due to my recent diagnosis of IBS, also called spastic colon or irritable bowel syndrome (to my closest friends and family) there has been a noticeable rise in content, so to speak, having to do with bowel function. This may seem alarming to those guys and goys who are uncomfortable talking about the natural ebb and flow in our digestive tracts that, if we are lucky enough, ends up in the sewer system via our modern sanitation technology, aka, the toilet. Some of the “afflicted” arent so lucky, as was reported in this recent news article. Let me break it down: A man in Connecticut, a fellow sufferer of IBS decides to rob a bank, and coincidentally takes his wife a child with him…dont ask me why. The weird and ewwwy part is that he gets nervous and cant “make it” through the entire hold -up and ends up pooping in the bank parking lot. Yeah, I’m not kidding. I’m totally serious. This shit actually happened, for real. Anyway, he makes for one lousy criminal as you well can imagine because 1) he lack the patience and fortitude of a successful criminal AND 2) he frickin’ left a literal shitload of evidence at the crime scene!!
I know he isn’t asking for my wisdom or advise either as a Clinical Psychologist or as someone who worships the ceramic God known as Toto, but I’m thinking that the guy (The Pooping Bandit) needs to find a profession more attuned to his life and lifestyle. We can all agree it’s generally bad form as well as a bad idea, as a bank robber, to leave a trail of such obvious (as well as odorous) forensics , dont you think? I truly dont mean to discriminate but I do have an extra copy of “What Color is My Parachute” lying around her somewhere that I’d be glad to send to the guy…. if I can find out where he is incarcerated. Speaking of toilets, I hope he likes the stainless one piece models cuz I think he is going to be there a while. Arrrgh!
CaptCliff on the River of Time
This might seem like a stupid Facebook “note”. In fact, it may be something that is quite peculiar to me and/or a function of my being ADHD. Being a Jewish Pirate and a Clinical Psychologist would appear to be unrelated. … Continue reading
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CaptCliff on “Why I Hate Lawyers”
CaptCliff on “Why I Hate Lawyers”
Why I Hate Lawyers
Look, I know nobody is going to read this. It is way too unbelievable. But it is indicative of my perception of the world today…..and how very lost so many people are. The Kardashians are just the tip of the idiocy iceberg. Here is a story, now a few years old, taken from Law.com. The story is essentially about the legal fallout from the billion dollar Scott Rothstein ponzi scheme case in South Florida. The details dont matter…except of course to all the poor people who lost their life savings. The real point, if you scan the short article, is how convoluted and ridiculous the whole things has become as lawyers sue lawyers and attorneys hire other attorneys to defend them ad infinitum. If you squint your eyes a bit it would seem all of Ft Lauderdale is owned and run by law firms, with an occasional car dealership thrown in there for Sopranos like flavor. I was in Florida recently and the place was gorgeous. The homes near the ocean and on the bay are beautiful, with lovely landscaping and adorable boutiques and gourmet grocery stores. Who would know that there is a Gordon Gecko like Wall Street magnate or Tony Montana Scarface figure upstairs in their Flagler inpired stucco mansions busy snorting mounds of cocaine while bilking investors of their life savings and pension funds? I get it but I dont. Maybe I’m even a little jealous that I dont get to live large and have a cigarette racing boat moored off my private pier, not to mention the champagne brunches and a Rolls Royce valet parked at the Breakers in Palm Beach and oh yeah, a silver Bentley getting detailed at the Biltmore in Ft. Lauderdale. The places seem to literally ooze money. I felt somehow grateful that the coffee shop at the Breakers was willing to guest stamp my $20 valet fee on my economy rental car when I visited there for an hour. I got a hot tea and a tuna sandwich…for $20 and felt like I won the lottery. Of course they only let us “peer” over the fence to see the magnificent pool area. They were nice about it but insisted the pool and spa were “reserved” for hotel clients and “special guests”…probably mostly friends of Scott Rothstein and his attorneys……with a few Chinese and Japanese tourists thrown in for flavor. Get my drift mateys ?
CaptCliff re-airs personal nightmare on Discovery Channel
Subject: Episode of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” on Discovery Channel Discovery Channel (repeat) I Shouldn’t Be Alive: Episode #32 Suburban Nightmare Airing Dare: December 23, 2011 Suburban Nightmare: After a foolhardy move from San Francisco to Atlanta … Continue reading
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Pedro and Buddy News Update
News update regarding Buddy and Pedro, the so called gay penguins at the Toronto Zoo. The zookeepers split the pair up last month in an attempt to get some of the female penguins preggers. While the zoology community barely batted an eyelid, the public at large were more divided. A few outspoken observers smelled something fishy…..so to speak, about zoo policy breaking up the monogamous pair and their well established “bromance”..Well…… apparently Buddy, the older of the two, far from crying in his anchovy bowl over the whole thing, went for the bait and within three days successfully hooked up with a chick, well, a female who may have some chicks. Pedro, the younger of the two studmuffins, may need to call the Celebrity Matchmaker as he has, at present, failed to find new love around the cement pond (an old Beverly Hillbillies reference). CaptCliff has his spyglass on the situation and will keep you informed.
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CaptCliff on news of the weird: injecting humor, not penises
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/huff-wires/20111209/us-penis-silicone-injection-death/
From bird penises (in a previous blog) to people with bird brains, the News of the Weird gets only weirder. Let me break it down: a girl who looks like a guy in drag who also pretends to be a plastic surgeon injects silicone into the penis of a male customer who hopes to be “enlarged” by the experience. He does this at the guys house in New Jersey, I guess for the sake of convenience and to avoid having to take public transportation. Paging Conrad Murray, M.D. ?? Instead of ending up with a bigger “package”, the patient, aka “dumbshit” ends up dead, special delivery to the county morgue thanks to the silicone causing a fatal embolism. The pseudo surgeon, who also looks like a cross between a crack addict and a hooker is arrested. The victim, Justin Street, age 22 will be remembered for his……………….. absolute stupidity. Again, we must use the news to teach us important life lessons and to avoid repeating similar mistakes ourselves….yeah, right. Here’s the most obvious: 1) dont go cheap with the plastic surgery, especially in New Jersey. 2) if you have to believe in a rip-off penis enlarging scam, stick to ones that wont probably kill you, like say a combination Swedish vacuum pump/ penis enlarger (see Austin Powers for details). 3) Even if your last name is Street, dont expect people to name anything after you once you do something really really stupid. You may, however, make it onto cable TV’s “1000 Ways to Die” show. 4) To the fake doctor who will hopefully end up in jail, dont give up hope of ever having a career and/or relationship in prison. Not only are there a broad array of correspondence courses in the pen, but if Joran Van der Sloot can get a gf who happens to be a nutjob doctor, you too could find a lunatic to love you someday. Arggh!
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