Forget anything and everything I have written previously. All else pales in comparison to the significance of the headline news I have to share. A secret report and psychological profile has recently come to light about Adolf Hitler. This confidential record about Hitler’s personal habits had been stored somewhere in a dusty attic in Great Britain for over 60 years. The papers have been authenticated and are due to be put up for private auction. I will not keep you in suspense due to their historical importance and sheer educational value. Once you read the document, 20th century world history and geopolitics make alot more sense, even to us laypersons, history buffs and casual observers.
Apparently Hitler was a vegetarian who ate “prodigious” amount of cake and other high lactose dairy products. As a result he suffered from chronic, unremitting and completely uncontrolled flatulence. In fact, he farted so often and so “forcefully” that his table mates and dinner guests were regularly disgusted and appalled. Worse yet, they couldn’t say anything. How do you tell a fascist megalomaniac madman and homicidal tyrant, “Dude, could you cut that farting out? You’re making us sick.” You just cant. He would have had you summarily shot or sent to the Eastern front.
You might ask why this is so important? I’ll tell you why. Many respected historians continue to ponder why after years of tremendous military success, the Third Reich’s final demise was so swift and seemingly chaotic. Many of his closest advisors and trusted confidantes abandoned him in the end. In one of his last statements he called the German people, “cowards, traitors, and unworthy of their destiny”. Now stop and think about the last time you had really really bad gas, diarrhea, and farted like a pirate on Cinco de Mayo (like at my house last nite). Then think about watching your personal plans for world domination crumble around you while you are stuck in a poorly ventilated concrete bunker dozens of feet below the bombed out burning ruins of Berlin. Even with state of the art German engineering and scientific know how, the toilet facilities in the Fuhrer bunker were considered primitive at best. There isn’t enough Gas-X and Imodium on planet Earth to cure that severe a GI problem in that limited subterranean space and the aforementioned Fuhrer flatus could only have led the rest of Hitler’s formerly loyal staff to want to leave, take cyanide or blow their own brains out as a quick way out and “final solution”… so to speak. It’s a deadly combination of noxious fearless leader fumes as well as psychological and olfactory stress that explains why the Nazi fascist state meant to last one thousand years crumbled like moldy limburger cheese in the spring of 1945….and probably stunk just as bad. Regarding Hitler’s propensity for broccoli, cake, cocaine, and occasional injections of bull semen on his personal physician Dr. Morell’s medical advice we can only speculate on their collective synergistic and psychoactive effects. Just imagining it makes me want to run to the bathroom and throw up. With this eyewitness account and written report coming to light I believe we can call this baffling mystery solved and finally flush this unanswered question and psychobiographical floater down the poopenfarten for good.
Cliff Mazer, Ph.D. is a humorist and Clinical Psychologist living and working in Atlanta, Georgia. He loves pirates and blogs under the pseudonym CaptCliff at: https://captaincliff.wordpress.com/ Contact: 404-932-7193