Forget anything and everything I have written previously. All else pales in comparison to the significance of the news I have to share. A secret military report and psychological profile has recently come to light about Adolf Hitler. This confidential record about Hitler’s personal habits had been stored somewhere in a dusty attic in Great Britain for over 60 years. The papers are authenticated and due to be put up for auction. I will not keep you in suspense due to their historical importance and sheer educational value. Once you read the document, world history and complex geopolitics make alot more sense, even to us laymen and casual observers. Apparently Hitler was a vegetarian who ate “prodigious” amount of cake and as a result suffered from chronic, unremitting and completely uncontrolled flatulence. He farted so often and so…..”forcefully” that his table mates and dinner guests were disgusted and appalled. Worse yet, they couldn’t say anything. How do you tell a fascist megalomaniac madman and homicidal tyrant, “Dude, could you cut that out? You’re making me sick.” You just cant. He would have you shot.
You might ask why this is so important? I’ll tell you. Many historians continue to ponder why after years of tremendous military success, the Third Reich’s final demise was swift and chaotic. Many of his closest advisors and confidantes abandoned him in the end. In one of his last statements he called the German people, “cowards, traitors, and unworthy of their destiny”. Now think about the last time you had really really bad gas, diarrhea, and farted like a pirate on Cinco de Mayo (like at my house last nite). Then think about watching your plans for world domination crumble around you while you are stuck in a poorly ventilated concrete bunker dozens of feet below the bombed out ruins of Berlin. Even with German engineering and scientific know how, the toilet facilities in the Fuhrer bunker were primitive at best. There isn’t enough Gas-X and Imodium on planet Earth to cure that problem or keep everyone else from wanting to blow their own brains out or take cyanide as a “final solution”. It’s a deadly combination of olfactory and psychological stressors that finally explains why the totalitarian Nazi state crumbled like moldy limburger cheese in the spring of 1945, and maybe stunk just as bad. Regarding Hitler’s propensity for broccoli, cake, cocaine, and an occasional injection of bull semen (on his doctors personal recommendation) we can only speculate on the synergistic effects. Just imagining it makes me run to the bathroom and leaf through my copy of Mein Kampf, which for some strange reason, only now more apparent, always made me want to go. With this eyewitness report I firmly believe we can call this mystery solved and flush this psychobiographical floater down for good.
Cliff Mazer, Ph.D. is a humorist and Clinical Psychologist living and working in Atlanta, Georgia. He loves pirates and blogs under the pseudonym CaptCliff at: https://captaincliff.wordpress.com/ Contact: 404-932-7193