Ambien Warning Update: Stay Frosty

What a surprise. There’s a new FDA warning about the sleeping pill Ambien and its tendency to leave people (especially women) “groggy” in the morning and therefore in no condition to operate heavy machinery, drive  forklifts at Home Depot or work the early morning shift at ICBM missile silos containing the launch codes to the nations nuclear weapons arsenal. With the kind of zombie night eating and unusual nocturnal behavior I’ve previously reported to you in my CaptCliff blog, I wasn’t completely surprised they decided to not chance a perfect storm of  PMS,  sleep-driving, penis envy and megalomaniacal revenge fantasies.  One is left to wonder how these powerful meds ever passed the “stringent” FDA testing and approval process in the first place (besides Big Pharma’s  Hawaiian luau lobbyist lunches, cash envelopes and Halloween bags filled with gold bullion and Superbowl tickets)?

Did researchers not notice that women volunteers tended to stagger out of their double-blind Ambien studies and have trouble finding their own car keys and vehicles in the hospital parking lot the next morning ? Admittedly this is something I experience on a regular basis at Publix and Krogers but my ADD is the more logical causal factor. On the new Ambien advisory, men are also urged to “reconsider” cutting their sleeping pill threshold dose down by “half”. However, to the average Ambien user that is like saying, “Hey we’re out of those super effective migraine pills you take to quell your exploding head and murderous rage but we’re now recommending you try the Pirates of the Caribbean Melatonin gummy bears instead.  Are you kidding me? Have you ever watched the clock all nite and/or the Weather Channel praying for a major storm to break the incessant monotony of chronic insomnia?  Oh, thank God, there’s a super-volcano erupting in Malaysia and a Tsunami higher than Mt. Fuji forming. That should keep me busy until morning…….
Those who sleep like babies and are not strung out on Ambien have no idea what this really means. Dont think we, the Ambien Army of America have not already explored and tried chamomile tea, valerian root, warm baths, sublingual melatonin, relaxation tapes, mindful meditation, hot yoga, and enough acupuncture to closely resemble the scary dude in Hellraiser. We dont like having a dependence on a pharmaceutical product. It’s also true that many of us are not complacent pill poppers and continue to seek newer, safer and better solutions.  Let’s face it Michael Jackson was someone who pushed the envelope in his creative attempts to get a good night sleep. Somehow, however, he missed the part about not leaving hospital grade anesthetics and IV sleep meds in the hands of a gigolo doctor trying to simultaneously text four girlfriends and his accountant. Auto-correct will really mess you up and slow you down in that kind of emergency situation.

Finally, it is wholly legitimate to question ones dependence on a certain sleep medication like Ambien (Zolpedim) especially when attempts to goggle the manufacturer (Sanofi) return obscure and somewhat suspicious web sites that appear constructed by international PR firms to exude openness and transparency while simultaneously hiding relevant corporate data, exact locations, updated drug warnings and actual contact numbers. It’s not that web sites for pharmaceutical companies dont exist. It’s just they’re nearly impossible to figure out (due to multiple hostile corporate takeovers and repeated name changes) just who’s in charge of what. One starts to feel like Michael Moore without the baseball cap, sweaty morbidly obese body and permanently disheveled appearance trying to figure out who runs a mega enormous “French multi-national pharmaceutical maker and global healthcare provider” and more importantly, who’s front door to knock on or break down if you need to execute a Jason Statham style “I havent slept in a week. We need to talk” intervention.

Maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about it. The new FDA warning story only came out yesterday, but I already have had about 3452698 friends and acquaintances find it important enough to text me, call me and tell me in person. Maybe I’ll go to Costco and stock up on a pallet of chamomile tea and a triple pack of Valerian root. I beg you my dear friends and readers to please not tell me to drink decaf coffee in the morning. I might still get that job interview at the nuclear missile silo and I need to stay frosty.

Anybody remember this? :

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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