Mock Review: Carnival Triumph


Dear Sirs: I have to take issue with some of the amenities and services provided to us on the Carnival Triumph and the “vacation” cruise I am currently STILL on with my family. I should have known something was off on our initial boarding in Galveston when they kept playing the theme song to “Titanic” and “Gilligans Island” over and over on the PA system. Also the head bursar inadvertently referred to the Lido deck as “Shantytown” as we headed to our smallish inside cabin. It was only in retrospect that I recognized his prophetic Freudian slip. Speaking of slips, the Triumph’s decks and hallways are now encrusted with human feces, raw sewage and tar-colored diesel oil and, as a result, I dont believe I will ever think of the midnite chocolate buffet in the same way ever again.

Even tho we are still not back to port as I type this review in total darkness with a nearly empty can of Tropical Mango Glade Mist in one hand and a barf bag on my lap, I am still committed to providing Tripadvisor readers with a fair and balanced assessment. God knows the ship itself is not balanced or fair. The highly sophisticated  hydraulic “stabilizers” that were touted as making the cruise ship “seasick proof” (think Titanic and “unsinkable”) are apparently only fully operable when the ship has electrical propulsion and is not being pulled by a tugboat. Bummer, right?

But hey, who needs to be fully upright anyway when the stench of urine, vomit and poop is so intense that the very thought of trying to run the hallway gauntlet through hundreds of nauseous and miserable passengers high on Compazine and warm beer to the one still functioning soft serve ice cream venue is enough to make anyone go on a 7-day cleansing fast.  Speaking of cleansing, I dont think I will EVER be clean or bacteria free again. I am hoping we are met by a fire brigade in Mobile Alabama wearing Hazmat suits and carrying fire hoses filled with Lysol. A hot tub overflowing with mercurochrome and bleach sounds luxurious to me at this point.

You probably are wondering where the rest of my family are. The kids went to a seminar on iPhone flashlight apps and my wife Gloria is “resting” and may possibly have contracted the Bubonic Plague. A simple noro-virus would be considered minor at this point. Gloria did roll over and moaned something inaudible several hours ago. I believe it was a Yiddish curse but I cant be certain. On a positive note, I do know they have managed to regain electrical power in two forward compartments and a single amphitheater using an ingenious survival technique a crew member learned while watching some barefoot hippie named Cody on TV. They are apparently also using prescription lenses taken from several first class passengers and a dozen designer glasses from the Sunglass Hut in the Main Concourse to make a fire and create solar power for a handheld generator. Hey, It’s kinda like Lord of the Flies around here, lol!

Did I mention we have taken the Captain prisoner and plan to roast him over an open charcoal pit covered in banana leaves?  We’re calling it “Hawaiian Luau Survivors Nite” and its casual attire with optional sanitary face masks which is a good thing because I cant find any of my shoes or formal wear. There is also going to be a bonfire on deck, a live human sacrifice and an Anthony Robbin’s type fire-walk ritual in what’s left of the boiler room. I will let you know how he, er, it tastes, as I really enjoy slow-cooking of any kind…especially when the meat that falls right off the bone, yumm. I guess I’m hungrier than I thought! To be honest, freshly harvested organ meat such as the First Officer’s still beating human heart which some disgruntled passengers cut out and offered to the Grand prize bingo winner on Wednesday (in hopes of better luck and increased fertility for the community vegetable garden we planted in desperation) is usually not my thing.  I do like to learn new things on these adventure cruises. A wild-eyed attorney with a lovely outside balcony suite (now completely floating in crap) told me that cannibalism and gambling if it occurs outside established International Waters (3 mile nautical limit) is completely legal. See, I have learned alot on this never ending voyage. Pray for us….please.

Ok, Just kidding.  I went on this boat, the Carnival Triumph several years ago with my kids and it wasn’t bad. I’m sure it will be even better in the future. When I say better I mean better than the Concordia.
Cliff Mazer, Ph.D.  Contact: 404-932-7193

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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