How do I reconcile my many tranquil images of Florida with all the accumulated news reports suggesting increased criminal activity, gang violence, drug abuse, serial killers, and a warm temperate environment suitable to breeding hybrid mega-species of wild boa constrictors, escaped zoo animals and Africanized killer bees that decide without consulting the homeowner that somebody’s front porch is a suitable dwelling for a colony of 100,000 stinging stormtroopers? Is Florida rapidly turning into Land of the Lost or just a place where petty criminals, prostitutes and Godfathers go to retire (or become chiropractors)?
According to news articles (see below) there are now ravenous giant Tiger mosquitos in Florida to go with the mutant tiger shrimp off shore eating the coral reef and cannibalizing all the other Crustaceans. Even the sharks seen swarming off the Florida coast are scared of the ginormous shrimp. Florida is our little Australia. They even have man-eating gators and sink holes in the ground that swallow innocent people while they’re sleeping or playing golf and send them to hell in their pajamas and bermuda shorts. With my luck there would be alligators and snakes at the bottom of the sinkholes. Notice I’m not even mentioning all the Oxycodone addicts and crazed gun enthusiasts in the Sunshine State who like to hunt while intoxicated on methamphetamine and moonshine. Casey Anthony might be considered a relatively normal Florida resident by comparison. If Jodi Arias gets off in her murder trial in Arizona I’m sure they would make great roommates and fun girls to party with..until they kill you.
Look, I’m not saying there aren’t some tremendous upscale beach areas (with fine dining) like Longboat Key that are free of malaria, STDs and promiscuous baby killers. I’m just suggesting there are other less publicized parts of Florida where one should not tread alone or at least not without wearing a beekeepers suit and a can of Mace mixed with sarin nerve gas. Frankly, some people and some venomous insects are not to be trusted. The chances of surviving a Florida vacation in these less civilized areas is around the same as making it out of South Georgia without running into a tornado or unwanted anal sex with someone with a hillbilly drawl, no teeth and a weathered banjo. Of course they dont mention any of this in the tourism brochures and I dont think a little “Off” or “Skin So Soft” is going to repel these vicious predators. I also refer you to the hilarious Will Ferell video clip from Land of the Lost below.