Normally I only make fun of Florida, Georgia, and the great state of California for it’s liberal excesses and acceptance of ….everything. Ask me another time about the lady in San Francisco who is a “Breatharian”, convinced she can live only on sunlight and water, like a potted plant or green shrub. She’s on the 38th day without food (which is REALLY nuts in SF because you can smell fresh brewed cappuccinos and garlic wafting in the air 24/7). Today, however I am inspired to turn my attention to Ohio.
If you read the news then you know that the great state of Ohio is not always great.
First of all, the place is teeming with serial killers, crazed sex offenders, and teenage abductors of every form and fashion (many of whom for some reason look alot like burned-out versions of Cheech or Chong) Still, I find it hard not to praise the place and its people for their tenacity, guts and can-do determination. I just dont want to end up hanging on a ceiling pulley in someones creepy basement on the outskirts of Cleveland for ten years plus. Personally I am no Breatharian. I need to eat…and I love garlic and cappuccinos. Let me explain.
With a State economy that has transitioned over the years from a wealthy industrial
hub exporting steel and other essential manufactured goods to a hodge-podge of local
methamphetamine labs, pain clinics, hookers and massage parlors, Ohio’s economic “flexibility” and entrepreneurial ambition is to be lauded, especially if it doesnt lead to a rash of face-eating zombies wandering Ohio’s streets high on crack, bath salts and synthetic marijuana. My guess is, if it does, it will source back to a few out of work Dow research chemists and assorted enterprising potheads (with MBA’s) in Akron or Toledo.
Admittedly, Ohio has struggled to define it’s more contemporary image and State brand.
In fact, they are yet to come up with a catchy advertising campaign or “logo” for both
their resident boosters and visitors alike. “Come to Cincinnati Where the Players Play and Usually End Up in Jail” seems too derivative (of Atlanta or LA) and doesnt get at the more charming and non-violent aspects of Ohio’s diverse and entrenched population. When I say entrenched I actually mean people so insular, xenophobic,
inbred, paranoid and subject to crackpot conspiracy theories (not to mention their sentimental old world mafia connections, excessive drinking, and love for their weapons arsenals) that the words “bunker”, “survival compound”, and “lunatic fringe group” are nearly synonymous with the Buckeye state. Well, that and people who are totally and completely nuts for their professional sports, since many of them manage to do literally everything including eat, sleep, poop, raise large exotic animals (that eventually turn on them and kill their owners, see below), tap-weld, wire home-made pipe bombs together and conduct open heart surgery (at the highly respected Cleveland Clinic) all while rooting for their favorite baseball and football teams. Keep in mind all the silly antics that recently occurred at Steubenville High School. Fun, football and gang rape are apparently king there. In fact, “fun and feisty” is a pretty good description for this heterogeneous populace that ranges from hard of hearing elderly with 12 guage shotguns to young urban street gangs….with 12 guage shotguns. However, fun and feisty drinkers who love having a good time (a “hoot”) while carrying live rounds in the chamber are almost always the type of human beings who will eventually appear on TruTV’s “World Dumbest Drinkers Without Fingers” episode….or be offered their own reality TV show.
Lastly, there is no greater praise to give than to those humble folks who manage to wed creative ingenuity with utility and practicality. Hence my uber-love of the TV show Modern Marvels. Ohio is home to some of the world’s greatest industrial innovations and must-have felony-crime accessories like “duck tape”. Seriously. They invented it. By the way, is it duct tape or duck tape and why wont anyone make up their mind definitively?
I am personally very grateful for the invention of duct tape since my many attempts at home remodeling have led to massive financial setbacks and engineering challenges that only duct tape could hold together (and obscure long enough for me to forget about engaging more permanent solutions). Does anyone else out there have exterior door trims and window sashes made entirely out of pink tape? I didn’t think so. Add to that cheap caulk from Big Lots and you have a unique as well as 100% synthetic home that even termites are not interested in. Anyway, I give final praise to Ohio for having the vision and the chutzpah to honor the makers of duct tape by sponsoring a colorful annual parade complete with duck tape floats and kids dressed entirely in…yes, duct tape. Unfortunately, the pervasive rumor that Jimmy Hoffa’s duct taped corpse had been dug up from under a Cincinnati football stadium just for the festival and parade has been discredited and apparently was merely a vain attempt on the part of Michigan, it’s jealous neighbor, to smear its primary rival. Michigan cant find Hoffa’s body either. Check out these local Ohio kids and their sticky-cool duck tape summer attire. Now that’s what I call wash and wear!