Tell Me I’m Paranoid


This whole consumer tracking and digital media marketing thing is really starting to creep me out. Tell me I’m paranoid but I clearly remember pausing in front of the Thomas Bagel Thins while at Publix today. I couldn’t decide if I wanted Pepperidge Farm extra thin white bread or something off the beaten path like the wide variety of Thomas bagel and english muffin products which happened to be on sale (2 for 1). I’ve been on a non-Paleo, non-gluten free carbo binge lately and I feel guilty for falling off the “no bread or bagels” dietary restriction I imposed upon myself after gaining 10-15 extra pounds since my birthday. As a result I lingered for a long time in the bread aisle and engaged in a protracted “devil versus angel” (on my shoulder) wrestling match until I was able to crawl out of the Octagon of Shame and break the stalemate with a box of low fat Triscuits. Later, on my computer at home I am now noticing all these Thomas Bagel Thin pop-up ads and banners on AOL and on Facebook. They appear to be following me as I go between tabs and use various search engines. Could these cagey bread barons be using NSA-like spy tactics and hacking techniques to access my personal data using facial recognition software, snooping devices from the movie Minority Report, ie. pre-cogs, or Trojan horses slid through the cracks in my iPhone’s vulnerable firewall settings? Have they managed to follow me home using satellite sourced GPS technology and now be trying to wear me down and break my already pitiful reservoir of self-control and willpower? Even 300 Spartans and their uber muscular physiques wouldn’t stand a chance against the all powerful Pillsbury Doughboy and his yeasty minions. Is it conceivable that “they” are intentionally hypnotizing me like a hungry hungry hippo by using strategically placed food images and subliminal advertising? Why do I suddenly crave an entire Sarah Lee sour cream cheesecake? It’s 15 degrees below zero outside and all I can think about is finding a 24 hour Kroger to buy the necessary food items to build a hickory smoked turkey sandwich on a Thomas garlic flavored bagel thin with Durkees dressing and a bag of Baked Lays potato chips….and a Sara Lee cheesecake.  I tried to reboot my Macbook Pro but when I attempted to empty the cache file all I saw was the word “cookies” flashing and quickly retreated to my homepage and the relative safety of my undiscovered WordPress blog. Hiding out like this I feel like Anne Frank only a lot older and fatter. This is not fair. If I see or hear a Tastykake corporate drone fly over my house tomorrow morning I’m surrendering without a bite, I mean fight.

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s