Since Justin Bieber has failed to call me and take me up on my offer to act as his private therapist on call, I felt like perhaps I should study up on pop culture. Maybe I’ve gotten rusty and become some kind of vestigial organ of modern society. Maybe I just dont get it anymore and have become not only NOT hip and far removed from hippie but also much more likely to break my hip than be considered a hipster. Skinny jeans are certainly out of the question at this point and skinny vodka seems like an absolute abomination of the real thing. So I determined to challenge myself.

To test this theory I decided to randomly spin the TV dial (also a anachronistic term)  and watch the first program I would typically NEVER watch. The idea itself was intriguing, like a cable television version of “spin the bottle”. So guess what? It landed on a show called “Bad Girls All-Star Battle”. It’s been two days since I forced myself to watch this human spectacle and I still have a headache. Even tho I am no stranger to strange lands or unusual culture-bound phenomena, I feel so disgusted and violated by the very premise of the show that my first instinct was to send “all dem bitches” home and firebomb the Topanga Canyon residence of the executive producer…or whoever is responsible for this steroidal version of 2014 “survivor” programming.  If I was forced to choose between this and hardcore pornography as a compulsory form of education for our nations youth I would say “two girls one cup please”.  Not to belabor the point but  being hog-tied and forced to watch this might be an effective alternative to waterboarding for interrogating terrorists. Words and phrases like insulting, vile, dehumanizing, and a “pox upon thee and thine” dont even do it justice.  Oops, I guess I forgot to tell you what BGAB is about. You know what?  I dont even know. All I know is it made me sick and I came close to throwing a brick at my flat screen TV just to end my suffering.

Bottomline: What the hell is up with this current obsession with nonsensical competition and faux-entertainment akin to watching Christians and Jews being thrown to the lions in the Coliseum while the audience ate grapes and roared their blood-lust approval? Of course in this particular show you want EVERYONE to die a horrible death including the judges, the camera crew, the caterer, the assistant grips and the clean up crew. The only thing that saved me from going blind, deaf and insane was the fact that the dialogue is so in-bred and colloquial that I literally didnt understand ONE word the contestants were saying. All I can say after this recent foray into current television is that I really need an immunity card from this particular show and a long hot shower to cleanse my soul of all the bad vibe/bad girl cooties. Personally, I’m going back to Funkytown where I belong and much better entertainment like How Things Are Made, Law and Order, and maybe Psych. I guess I’m closer in taste and preference to Stardate generation 1984 than 2014 which I am sure George Orwell would have considered weirdly ironic.

Real Music: You Aint Hip:       http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YWV2gniRrc