Apparently there is a new creepy critter projected to end up on the endangered species list and it isn’t some cuddly kind of cat or cute canine that would make you want to weep and run out to PetSmart on Sunday morning to adopt a dozen of them. Also, since its Passover it might be wise to keep abreast of the coming and goings of various modern day Plagues and annoying pestilences.
If you look at Phthirus pubis also known as the “crab louse” under the microscope he looks a bit like a mutant Florida stone crab, Sponge Bob’s boss Mr. Krabs, or maybe a gnarly disfigured octopus. However, I’m actually talking about genital lice, people. Seriously, they’re slowly disappearing, so says certain authorities. Other itchy scientists vociferously disagree. The next time you feel the need to procrastinate or put off doing something actually important (like finishing your TAXES) consider looking up this hideous pest online. Just Google it under the keyword phrase “Omg…EEEWW!” Honestly, this thing looks like something from the SyFy channel only way way smaller. So why-oh-why is this ubiquitous bloodsucking scourge disappearing after thousands of years of symbiotic success living in the pubic hair of hirsute mankind? The surprising answer is “bikini waxing” and the current tribal trend, nay, cultural obsession with shaving, waxing, and plucking ourselves hairless “down there”. It’s now estimated that 80% of college students in the U.S. remove all or part of their genital hair. If you dont count Berkeley, California, Santa Cruz County, Brown University and Hampshire College the small but elite hippie college in Western Massachusetts, that figure might have been closer to 90%.
So you would think this is a good thing, right? Who really needs genital lice or genital hair for that matter? Of course in the broad over-arching “web of life” there might be some other kind of even smaller and uglier microorganism that clings tenaciously to the spiny antennae or feet of genital crabs… but hey, who really gives a shit about them? Most of us would agree if we cant see them or if its super gross-looking and “bad” as far as humanity is concerned it can just go to hell along with Saddam Hussein, Jason, Leatherface…and the nasty pigeons that poop on my car windshield. Personally, if you also want to include mosquitoes, beach-dwelling Noseum, and the vast majority of the flying insects that bite or sting that’s alright by me too. Of course I’m not talking about bees because like Winnie the Pooh, we need the honey. I also know that somewhere in Holistic Health Land there are probably people who love and cherish their lice and cultivate organic breeding farms on top of their heads, in their armpits and, God forbid, in their private “junk yards”. Like the singing sages (no, not King David…I meant Sonny and Cher) I would say to them, ” That Aint Me Babe”. You can take the lice, the flies, the locusts, the deer fly, the hornet, the ringworm, and any other animal or plant phylum that require me to use topical ointment and go straight to you-know-where.
Urban Dictionary: Eazy-E sez: “She had more crabs than a seafood platter”.