Justin Bieber and the Singularity



  1. 1.
    the state, fact, quality, or condition of being singular.
    “he believed in the singularity of all cultures and people”
    synonyms: uniqueness, distinctiveness More

    “the singularity of their concerns”
  2. 2.
    a point at which a function takes an infinite value, especially in space-time when matter is infinitely dense, as at the center of a black hole.
Sandy Springs, Georgia. Star Date 2014: A Cosmic Singularity (CS) may have occurred yesterday in the checkout line at Big Lots on Roswell Road. Unshaven after a full day of yard work and dressed like a total shlub in dirty khaki shorts and a vintage black “Katz NYC Delicatessen” T-shirt, I approached the cashier determined to get my full discount on two clearance priced Justin Bieber singing toothbrushes and a heavily marked down memory foam bath mat. I fully expected some kind of last minute foul-up or computer glitch to ruin my triumphant shoppers moment. A rather large sweaty older lady in front of me was busy slowly unloading her shopping cart, carefully counting out and purchasing 23 travel sample sized jars of Vaseline petroleum jelly for 70 cents apiece (i kid you not). I immediately used my training in mindful meditation and Radical Acceptance to envision the “bright side” of such a challenging emotional moment, one in which I first thought of bludgeoning her to death with a large clawhammer and instead chose to feel “immense gratitude” that 1) she didn’t ask to have each item individually wrapped and 2) thanked God, Yahweh, and Baby Jesus that she also didnt pull out another item from her cart that lacked a price tag necessitating a total shutdown of Big Lots corporate operations in the Western Hemisphere until a similar tagged item could be found. We all know from being in such situations that another matching bar-coded product doesnt exist in the store or the known universe….at least not until my turn in line is over.  My mental preparation and emotional resilience paid off as no such complication ensued.  l then stepped forward and announced in a loud, clear and purposely likeable voice tone, “These were in the CLEARANCE aisle and are marked 50 cents each down from $6.50…right?” Again, miracle of miracles, my bounty-booty set off no alarms and I felt a wave of gleeful exuberance run through my body knowing that I had somehow successfully purchased three ridiculously cheap items that I incidentally had no earthly use for. More important, however was the fact that I had done “it”. I had managed to avoid Murphy’s Law of Cheapskate Shopping that clearly states: “Ones ability to buy something they really want at a great price is always matched or exceeded by the number of annoying problems thrown randomly in your way to make you miserable by the time you are finished.”

Ok, so stay with me now because here comes the good part. As I finished paying I turned around and almost went blind from shock and awe. It was as if the Universe wanted to show me its wondrous truth about who really runs this Broadway stage show called life. An even bigger shlub right behind me was carrying a couple of nondescript food items that no other self-respecting grocery store would think of stocking let alone selling as edible, ie. Jeff Foxworthy brand Beef Jerky, Deion Sanders Kettle Style potato chips, etc. As I looked up at him it hit me like a bolt of lightning of the non-ordinary reality kind. The guy was standing there wearing THE EXACT SAME VINTAGE BLACK KATZ NYC DELI T-SHIRT AND FILTHY KHAKI SHORTS!! When our eyes met it was as if I had seen and nearly touched my younger big geek spiritual doppelganger. I was him and he was me. Both of us were cheap ass Big Lots customers and, in fact, we WERE Big Lots. All was ONE and all was in perfect unity. For a brief moment I wondered if I shook his hand if it would set off some kind of weird Cosmic chain reaction or Big Bang. I actually felt like hugging the big sweaty older lady who was initially in front of me…but she had already left the store albeit it very very slowly. Bottomline: There are times in life and in our mundane existence on Planet Earth when we are given a rare chance to see through the veil of illusion and suffering. There are many “burning bushes” so to speak. We are here for a reason. No, I dont mean I was given birth at this time to buy Justin Bieber toothbrushes…although at 50 cents each (batteries included) that is quite a shopping coup. I really mean we should pay attention to those so called “coincidences” when God (or Zeus, etc.) wants us to see “ourselves in others”, to listen, to appreciate, and to love others unconditionally….even if they are slow moving sweaty enormous people who you would normally prefer to avoid, honk our car horns at, curse, run over, or judge in a prejudicial manner.  Namaste.  P.S. On the other hand, If these damn toothbrushes dont sing, vibrate, or do what they say they’re supposed to do I’m skipping right over the step of taking them back to Big Lots and driving over to Biebs crib and complaining directly to him until I get my dollar back. Word.


About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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