Captain Cliff rants on: Charlie Sheen’s kitchen and what if

What If



What if Charlie Sheen isn’t really that crazy?….Yes, I am talking about Charlie Sheen the motor mouthed purveyor of tiger blood and warlock fangs, the Twitter King, Master of the manic spiel, owner of Sober Valley Ranch and the two goddesses/no cup (of alcohol) Beverly Hills household, and originator of the “I dare u to give me a urine test” drug rehab challenge… Furthermore, what if deep down, under the media fueled bonfire of his vanities he is just a talented actor and a basically decent, albeit flawed human being, or maybe even just a rich and famous individual who is under considerable stress and strain? To put it another way, what if some small fraction of his self destructive, addict/poet rantings and plus size personality disorder observations have a certain amount of merit (for him), a basis in reality, maybe even a smidgen of “truth”? For that matter, perhaps its not any of our damn business.


Sure, everybody can pretty much agree that Charlie Sheen is now imploding like a dwarf sun under the pressure of his own cosmically inflated self-image, lack of any repeated or restful sleep, and a not exactly totally paranoid belief that everyone ( ie., his ex wife, her lawyer, ex boss, his lawyer, and every other affiliated news network, legal team, psychiatric unit, rehab organization, witches coven, and disgruntled cast member from his last sitcom) is out to get him and take his money, his job, his kids, his fame and possibly his scalp. I mean, dont you think paranoid is probably what Saddam Hussein felt like when he found out that George Bush and the United States had decided to blame him for everything wrong on the planet and thought it might be a great idea to go on a holy crusade(get revenge) by bombing the crap out of his capital city and hunting him down like a rabid dog??? I cant say the same for certain other notorious personalities like Muammar Ghadaffi , especially given the fact that Ghadaffi clearly does appear to be out of his mind, as well as very badly in need of a new wardrobe. Ghadaffi makes Javier Bardem from No Country for Old Men look like a reasonably nice guy who just happens to be a homicidal maniac (say more like John Cusack in Gross Point Blank). I mean, it would take an awful lot of money, like several gazillion bucks, and a super sized pile of “uber” self-confidence to be in Charlie Sheen’s shoes and NOT feel the mounting pressure of his own self promotion blitzkrieg, particularly as it applies to the one of a kind product he is hawking… himself and presumably the mind altering drug called Charlie Sheen. I’ll tell you one thing, from the looks of Charlie lately, it seems safe to assume that this particular drug does not cause unwanted weight gain like so many of the other magical cures and pharmaceutical treatments out there. However, with all the media’s pointless debate, inane panel discussions and tabloid worthy “discourse” occurring (among what must be an exceptionally fertile breeding colony of talking heads with JDs, MD’s, Ph.D.’s after their names) the blather seems inordinately small-minded and even cruel, like whether or not Sheen is certifiably insane, suicidal, a psycho,homicidal, dry drunk alcoholic, crack junkie and to what degree he is just “crazy as a loonbird”. The 24/7 feeding frenzy about Sheen strays slightly into science only to consider what multi-axial diagnostic category and DSM diagnosis he best fits in, ie. bipolar, Narcissistic personality disorder, addict withdrawal syndrome, or even paranoid schizophrenia, etc.


If anything, Charlie Sheen could probably already land a job and a big paycheck starring in a cable TV reality show called, Name that Diagnosis in which guest shrinks come on the show to try to nail down his exact medical and mental illness. It could be just like Top Chef, but with promising young Psychiatry residents as contestants. All earnest young head doctors with impeccable academic backgrounds, but still relatively untested clinicians under fire in the combat like pressure- cooker environment of live television. I realize Dr. Laura and Phil McGraw have already been doing this for many network programming seasons, but they had the benefit of years of showbiz experience to hone their diagnostic chops and create their self- inflated personas as nationally recognized professional therapists who are never wrong and infrequently listen to their clients. Ok, so u still may wonder what the point of this psychologist’s ramble is. it’s just this. Why do we presume to know anything about anybody we dont know well on a personal basis and, why do we think its productive or even nice to publicly dissect the personality and psyche of someone who is obviously under exceptional life stress? In addition, why in good conscience would we ever consider the opinions of television commentators, internet bloggers or even TV network news personalities who are paid to boost ratings and increase website traffic by providing lurid over sensationalized entertainment? Let me put it into perspective. Somewhere,right now, there are people twittering their thumbs off, feverishly downloading Sheen videos, and reporting breathlessly about the latest wheel to fall off Charlie’s mental status bus, while at the very same time there is the distinct possibility of multiple nuclear reactor meltdowns in Japan. Thousands are dead, missing, and homeless. Too far away to worry about? Closer to home, in our own neighborhood, people are struggling to pay their bills, desperate to find jobs, and trying to recover from a life threatening illness or cancer surgery. How sane is that?? Maybe we should all consider taking in a cleansing breath, channeling the Dalai Lama and cutting Charlie Sheen some compassion slack. Not only are there bigger global fish to fry but there are undoubtably more urgent concerns at hand for the human race. Personally I am more concerned about the possible meltdown in Japan than the one that may or may not be taking place in Charlie Sheen’s kitchen.


About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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