Australians, The Honey Badger of Human Beings
Simply put, this essay is one mans attempt to praise those plucky Australians, otherwise known as Aussies. They are without doubt the bravest people on Earth. How do I know this? Because I watch Animal Planet….quite often. Nearly every episode is about the plethora of poisonous species that inhabit Australia. Other shows about the “most dangerous” animals and the creatures “most likely” to tear you limb from limb are also more often then not unique to the dusty continent Down Under. Speaking of dust, they apparently only have two weather patterns in Australia; Biblical Flood-Deluge and Mad Max Apocalyptic Drought-Famine. I learned this on the Weather Channel. When it rains in Australia there are crocodiles and Great White Sharks circling the Opera House in Sydney and when its bone dry there are hordes of rabbits and koala bears soliciting Japanese tourists for bottled water and bento boxes. It’s that bad. How they even manage to still scoop up shrimp for the barbies without losing a hand is beyond me. I’m not done. Even the shrimp are vicious and are called “tiger” shrimp because of their large teeth and predatory nature. Luckily, by the time they get to us they are already defanged as well as deveined and frozen in plastic bags
As a result of their god forsaken, unforgiving geography the people of Australia have evolved over time to a kind of super race of humans. The average Aussie male looks like Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV and the average female is Kate Upton or Miranda Kerr. The ugly ones either get eaten by wild beasts or become politicians. I know what you are thinking. You think I am exaggerating. I’m not. These are tough people. They are so tough they apparently wash their kids clothes while the tykes are still fully dressed. That’s why they are such amazing swimmers. Regarding two recent stories out of Australia, one about a baby in a washing machine and the other about zillions of wolf spiders in Wagawaga and in the flood ravaged area known as……….(no frickin’ way I can pronounce it): 1) wtf?, I have misplaced my keys and wallet many times but that’s ridiculous and 2) are you kidding me? How do you even leave your home without putting on full body armor and a beekeepers helmet? The Aussies are a special breed indeed. Nothing seems to stop them from living their life of eating those gigantic man eating shrimp and drinking themselves into oblivion by hoisting oversized bottles of Foster’s lager beer followed by a brisk swim in shark infested water. Apparently living and working among man eating amphibians, deadly jellyfish and dozens of poisonous snakes and other yucky creatures that breed incessantly is part and parcel of Australia’s appeal to its hardy inhabitants.
Normally daily news about dust storms, record breaking floods and forced evacuations would be enough to make many residents breakdown in a puddle of tears and move en masse to safer environs, say like Baltimore or Boca Raton, but these blokes laugh in the face of danger and smile bravely as their snake and spider bitten legs blow up to twice their normal size and then are forcibly yanked from their socket by a monster sized crocodile performing a death roll. The Aussies, much like the Honey Badger just dont care. The rest of us can only admire such a plucky race of men and women who by all accounts are 95% blond and blue eyed and prone to wearing safari gear when they arent spearfishing among Great Whites. Many Australians continue to smoke cigarettes…. while scuba diving. Let the rest of us take an important lesson from these modern day Titans among men, as their strength and resilience in the face of utter hopelessness seems legendary and sets the bar quite high for far wimpier cultures, such as our own. Sure we can indiscriminately drop a couple of nuclear weapons on civilians and send a smart bomb into a terrorist’s Mercedes with our remote controlled Predator drones but none of us look anything but ridiculous holding Crocodile Dundee’s hat and hunting knife. Even the few Americans who may look the part end up whimpering in despair like Indiana Jones, “Snakes, why did it have to be snakes??”
Sample image: Average looking Australians out for their morning walk. Their dog, a wild dingo raised from a pup by Steve Irwin was snatched away by a 20 ft. crocodile right as it was preparing to do it’s business. They barely managed to dodge a herd of wild rabbits, a plague of cane toads full of bufotoxins and several MMA trained kangaroos in boxing gloves. Even tho they are in an understandably dour mood, they will still proceed to a pub and drink a 12 pack of Foster’s Lager followed by several sets of tennis….on grass….with vintage wood racquets.
Just one more example of those bold and brass Aussies and their “can do” (without limbs) national persona. By one US report, nearly half of Australians under 35 years of age have lost an arm or leg to either a shark, crocodile, poisonous snake or rabid marsupial. Amputations are nearly as common as permanent make-up. As this video clip shows, Aussies carry on and continue to perform and excel no matter what they do, altho for most of them that simply means excessive drinking, engaging in race riots, and dressing up as Santa while intoxicated and cursing the police.