CaptCliff’s Cognitive Therapy

Today I introduce you to a new and highly effective form of cognitive therapy. Yes, that’s right. You, my 12 Facebook friends are the lucky first recipients of this cosmic knowledge. I know your attention spans are short and my penchant for rambling quite long, so let’s get right to it. Most people suffer from some form of low self-esteem. Dont let my colleagues in Clinical Psych and Psychiatry fool you. They have nothing to do all day except make up new diagnoses and personality disorders. Alot of time they are high on caffeinated Expresso drinks and their own medicine when they get in these moods and decide to create another syndrome to describe someone who:  cant match up their socks after taking them out of the dryer (symptom one) and/or  feels irritated/irked to find the toilet paper roll put on backwards (symptom two). Finding the toilet paper roll completely empty after your adult children and extended family have visited for another free dinner is apparently the confirmatory diagnostic marker. Of course that’s 78% of the total population, but hey, now we can add two more new pages to the DSM manual and these guys can adjourn the panel discussion and still make that 7:00 PM reservation at Morton’s Steak House.

The point is that the real problem, psychologically speaking, is low self-worth otherwise known as thinking one is a piece of poop in a society of high achieving, Audi sportcar driving software engineers and Kardashian wannabes with fake boobs and dental implants. Of course your Facebook friends with their relentless and obsessive postings of positive news and life coach inspired slogans, ie. “Today Be All You Can Be!”, etc., just reaffirms what a douche-bag you are by comparison.

So what’s the magic cure you are by now wanting to know from CaptCliff, the rogue-ish alter-ego of the more boring and less effusive therapist known as Dr. Cliff, a man who dwells with one foot in the conventional world of Clinical Psychology and the other foot firmly planted in a pile of dog crap acquired in his son’s backyard (they mow it only on important Jewish holidays)? The cure, plain and simple, is to compare yourself to fools and idiots and become better at discerning just how many people meet THAT particular diagnostic criteria. Just now I saw a cable tv show about venomous snakes in Florida. By the way (by my count) Florida is comprised of 86% fools and idiots. If you dont believe me just watch any of those TruTV programs or YouTubes on “Dumbest Anything and Everything”. Florida has the Dumbest of the Dumb and they truly capture the look and feel of stupidity when they talk, when they fight (see my son’s viral video below), when they attempt to elude the police drunk and when they are finally apprehended and are asked to do difficult tasks like walk straight. I know many of these Florida residents are high on home-made meth, crack, glue, and synthetic marijuana and that the absence of teeth in their mouths may be related to poor nutrition, the absence of dental hygiene and the daily ingestion of Oxycodone.

Still, nobody does a better job or gives a more dramatic illustration of “dumb as a door knob” as somebody from Florida. OK, I did that thing again where I ramble and digress….I was telling you about the dummy in South Florida and venomous snakes, so that you could feel like Albert Einstein in comparison. So this lady and her family are barbecuing in the backyard and the kids find a small snake. Normally there is a right thing to do and a wrong thing to do. The right thing to do is to find something long and sturdy like a shovel or a shotgun and either mercilessly beat it (the snake) to death and not stop until it looks like a rainbow roll at the local sushi bar or blow its head off and then use the shovel to do the aforementioned “Benihana teppanyaki chef on coke” routine on the slimy intruder. The wrong and obviously stupid thing to do is to assume the snake is small and non-venomous even tho you have never taken a single college course in anything, let alone Herpetology and put it in a cardboard shoebox as a temporary pet. Long story short: the lady opened the box to touch the snake and was bitten on the hand by a baby water moccasin. Of course she had to go to the hospital and get the whole anti-venom treatment with the prolonged dialogue with the doctor about whether they would have to amputate her arm or not. I personally didn’t need to see the ending, because I felt better about myself immediately, wouldn’t you?

Do you see the principle involved here? We can liberate ourselves together by purposely having Days of Stupidity. We can request that news channels and radio programs, even the few smart, educational ones like NPR have dedicated programming that focuses on the unwise, the unhealthy and especially the ungodly ridiculously stupid. However, here’s the rub. The cognitive rewiring of our brains, due to the miracle of neuroplasticity (dont ask) will NOT work unless we consciously are focusing and feeling ourselves to be much better by comparison. This, by the way, is one of the secrets of narcissism and people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, like Donald Trump. Guys like Trump are able to proceed with foolish and illogical endeavors, like believing that President Obama is really a Muslim cleric born in the Congo and raised by Osama bin Ladin, while still maintaining a supremely high self-esteem. Trump even can look in the mirror and say he likes his absurd comb over hair!  He has trained himself through this same cognitive method, now revealed by me to you. I include an oldie but goodie video (previously discussed on my blog) of some scum bag Florida residents arguing with each other with extreme stupidity to help get your self-esteem therapy started. More to follow. Good luck to you.  Captcliff   PS  If you really care, it turned out they didn’t have to cut off the idiot lady’s arm, even tho I was tempted to meet her at the hospital with the shovel and do it for her, thus saving the taxpayers alot of money. The narcissistic politicians with high self-esteem all agree that we need to find creative ways to cut back on our nation’s health care costs.

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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2 Responses to CaptCliff’s Cognitive Therapy

  1. As I am quiet new in Jewish, looking around for some Jewish information> Got something important here. Nice to get it.
    This piece of video helped me forgive and let go of my frustration.

    • captaincliff says:

      Um……ok. You’re “quiet new in Jewish”? Riiight. You’re a little new to English too, Jenifa and that’s an interesting FB profile pic too. Kind of a nice graphic art touch with the black and white and the Shindler’s List-ish red object in your hand for contrast and photographic depth. Is that by any chance a human heart you are holding in your hand?

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