I just finished watching another Shark week episode, which has pretty much convinced me to stay pool side next week when I take my once a year (if I’m lucky) vacation to Longboat Key, Florida. In fact, I may carry an automatic weapon INTO the swimming pool on account of Great White sharks and their superior intelligence as well as unrivaled capacity for surprise attacks. There is NO WAY I’m going to be taken by surprise while casually shelling on the pristine white sand beaches of either Longboat or Siesta Key by a bull shark dressed as a life guard who attempts to drag me behind a sand dune and have his way with me.
At my mid Baby Boomer age I dont have the stamina or physical strength of those buff young Aussie surfers in the TV series who manage to fend off Jaws sized sharks, killer jellyfish and man-eating crocodiles (before going out later to drink beer with their mates and eat shrimp on the barbie). The loss of a limb or two may be a “badge of courage” in Perth, but it’s a distinct disadvantage in the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia.
Instead, we, the rapidly aging, must rely on our wits and stealth. For example I noticed at Starbucks this morning that I was absolutely invisible to any woman under the age of 40. Perhaps this camouflage technique could be put to good use on my upcoming beach vacation, like when it’s time to pay the bill in Florida for my perennially overpriced crab dinner at Moore’s Stone Crab Restaurant, or after stuffing my face with the last gooey remnants of my exquisite pan seared duck and garlicky Caesar salad at Euphemia Haye. Unfortunately, even if I manage to blend in like a stealthy ocean floor Cephalopod, the servers will no doubt still smell my garlic breath and unmistakable hints of “oak, berries and leather” from the house Cabernet on my invisible beard. So I will willingly surrender my AMEX card and not be offended when my AARP membership (as usual) gets me nothing off the bill.
Oh well, it’s “all good” as they say…. Plus, I just saw a brief You Tube video about a “Total Body Lift” procedure (see absurd link below). Apparently, it wont matter how much you eat in the near future. They can just take out whole gaping sections of your body and staple you back up, thus defying advancing age, gravity, sloth and my personal favorite total gluttony. To be honest, the video looks an awful lot like what the Great White Sharks do to surfers and other idiots wearing black rubber wet suits bearing an invisible sign that says, “I look just like a yummy Seal! Bite me.” I think I’ll just stick to being stealthy at Starbucks and gnawing on my fancy duck dinner in Longboat. Feel free to call me chicken.