Telling the Toilet Truth

I’ve been warned to stay away from potty humor and toilet type news in my blog. They say it degrades my profession, disgraces my doctoral degree, and reduces the power and “flow” of my heady form of scholarship, but………I FRICKIN’ CANT HELP MYSELF!!  Everything reminds me of bathrooms, toilets, pooping, and the holy grail of toiletry, the all important flush. Practically every story I read is rife with bathroom related vocabulary and crappy metaphors that mesmerize my soul and stimulate my silly bone. Have you never been fixated on fixtures? Does hearing, reading, or thinking about the Biblical flood make you want to tinkle? Does a random building sign about EVACUATION PLANNING mean something quite different to you then just a mad stampede to the stair wells?

By the way, do you realize just how important it is to move your bowels on a regular basis, otherwise known as being “regular” ? Who cares about being “normal” as long as one can remain regular, intestinally speaking. My mother made a big deal about it. Would I rather be schizophrenic or severely constipated, you ask? Please dont force me to choose, dammit! That’s a Sophie’s Choice question if there ever was one. Plus, aren’t you the least bit interested in where idiomatic phrases like “move your bowels” come from? What about all the water we waste and all the parched Sudanese and Biafrans who would be delighted to chug our overflowing toilet bowls and tanks just to quench their thirst and wet their perpetually chapped and sunburnt lips?

We waste our water and flush our toilets like there is no tomorrow. Water conservation is a joke to many people. We flush like a busload of overweight widows playing slot machines in Vegas, with or without a big bucket of silver dollars. We cant NOT flush. Leaving even one stray square of toilet paper in the toilet is nearly a “capital crime” in our Germanic Mr. Clean obsessed American culture. God forbid someone would go to the bathroom stall after us and find yellow water. People have practically barfed or repeatedly called 911 over such miniscule sanitation mistakes. I admit it. In the past I’ve been part of the problem, not the solution. I have cruised Big Lots and WalMart looking for flushable baby wipes, inky toilet bowl cleaners, and ginormous packs of 18 double roll, triple-ply toilet paper. One time at Costco I actually thought of strapping two of them on the roof of my overstuffed Ford Expedition.

Try to hear what I am saying. If Sigmund Freud had not turned his attention to cocaine and other forms of oral and genital stimulation, ie. pipes, chewing tobacco, penises, Egyptian obelisks, etc., he might well have posited a different theoretical framework and psycho-developmental model, one based on…well, what swirling black holes in the galaxy really remind me of, rather then assuming every parent unconsciously wants to have sex with their offspring and visa versa. Me thinks he was projecting too much….. Anyway, have I lost you on the way to the Porto-potty? This shit is important and SOMEBODY has to finally stand up, pull their trousers down, and do their duty.

A really cool energy efficient dual flush retrofit kit:

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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One Response to Telling the Toilet Truth

  1. captaincliff says:

    Addendum: An alert reader asks, “CaptCliff, what do you think of auto-flush toilets? Personally, I hate them”.

    Response from CaptCliff: Of course I hate them. Part of the Joy of Crapping is the sense of control and self-mastery a good doo-doo or pee-pee affords. Autoflushers rob the ceramic rider of such important dimensions of shitology. They also scare the crap out me and can lead to PTSD (Post-Traumatic Shit Disorder).

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