Idea for iPhone Man App
Gentlemen let’s get right to the point ( unlike the chicks we are in a relationship with). We love them but they talk too much and wont stop texting. This whole social media phenomena plays RIGHT into their hands and their existing skill sets way more than it does ours. With the exception of Gaming, Pandora and Mapquest we get little or no added value from having a sweaty, brain tumor causing iPhone and microscopic keyboard attached to our heads and thumbs 24/7. Women, Israelis, and most gay men living in Los Angeles love it and wouldn’t mind having the whole shebang surgically implanted like pacemakers to allow easy hands-free access and a constant hi-fi signal while they shop, remotely launch Drone attacks on suspected terrorists in the Gaza strip, and talk to their Hollywood publicity agents, respectively.
Dont get me wrong, each of the groups mentioned has a legitimate reason to be perpetually connected. However, most guys in this country do not. In fact, there seems to be an undocumented Law of Physics that states the following: Girlfriends and wives tend to text and call MOST when it is MOST inconvenient. Taking a crap and looking for a little peace and quiet? They call. Manage to just finish doing your “business” on the John and getting ready to wipe? They text. Cutting up a raw chicken with probable salmonella or e-coli bacteria all over your hands? They call or text and our phone is always DEEPLY HIDDEN in our pants pocket. This INSURES that our trousers or shorts will be radioactively infected with deadly microbes very likely to cause an outbreak requiring the CDC to make a home visit in full HazMat suits.The wives and gfs wont care and will only ask more questions like, “Who’s there? I hear voices. Are you with someone??” Speaking of drones, I dont want to drone on like an old lady about this and am way more interested in a manly solution to the problem.
If technology is the source of the problem then it can also be the key to the solution. We need an algorithm, bros. We need to put the greatest masculine minds of the 21st century onto developing a mathematical model and super sensitive computer program that can generate automatic responses that are gender sensitive and so artificially intelligent that women cant tell we are still on the golf course, watching the game, drinking beer with buddies they despise, or more likely, just avoiding the all around too much talking and texting about stuff we dont care about. If IBM’s Big Blue the computer can plan multiple chess moves that beat the Grandmaster Chess Champion of the world, then we can build an iPhone app that responds appropriately to absurd questions and inane comments that over time make gaping holes in our head and are possibly lowering our sperm count. We have to set the bar high on this one because women are crafty and have very sensitive b.s. radar. You can only respond to stupid texts with, “lol!”, “loveu2”, “exactly”, and “good point” for so long before they counter with, “is this Cliff?” and “I can tell you’re really not listening to me. Dont u even care?” As a guy you probably know that awkward moment and bad feeling when you know your woman knows you dont give a flying fuck and our emotional-reptile man brain is thinking, “should I avoid, apologize or just leap over the railing of the 300 ft bridge I am jogging on?”
We can do better then mere “flight or fight”. We can employ technology that will respond masterfully to complex questions like, “What are you doing?”, “thinking about u, what are u thinking about?”, ” Kim Kardashian is such a whore!”, “I love Brittany, the conjoint twin best….”, and the dreaded “I called you 4 times. It’s not your new phone. What is your problem?” It’s Band of Brothers time. Big Blue and a couple dozen super computers need to synch up and derive a perfect solution to every permutation of possible she-text and respond back with utmost sensitivity, empathy, patience, and extreme unremitting interest. You know, all the stuff we hate to do.