Due to the ubiquitous presence of completely insignificant information on the internet, I have ascertained a strange recent phenomena involving a connection between crime, violence and eating Cheetos. As a Cheetos lover (addict) myself, I was, of course, compelled to investigate further.
Two prominent news stories indicate that eating Cheetos can in fact lead to your death, mostly because someone else gets so pissed off about it they either stab you or try to beat you to into unconsciousness. Maybe its the way it makes your clothes, mouth, lips and tongue bright orange. Perhaps its the irritating manner in which Cheetos eaters talk in an unintelligible language of grunts, groans and airway clogged consonants like, “Wa Ya sayin? Aga toomaen ma moud..”. It could even be the chemical preservatives and food additives that today extend the average shelf-life of a bag of Cheetos to between 12 months and 3000 years. Yes, the remnant of Cheetos-like substances have been found in archeological excavations in Ancient pre-semitic Israel as well as Paleolithic Cave drawings in the south of France. One scholar has suggested that Early man may have even used a naturally occurring unprocessed form of Cheetos for multiple purposes including loincloths, clothing, packing material, hair dye, wall chalk, bedding, and edible jewelry.
Regardless of its functionality and unusual versatility, few researchers deny that the physiological consequences and side effects of eating too many Cheetos can lead to violence, psychosis and the need for even more empty calories and carbohydrates. The fact that two men in a skeevy part of St. Louis (see link below) were willing to fight and die for Cheetos is lesson enough for the rest of us. Certain things like marijuana probably should be legal. Other things, like Cheetos (original, not those crunchy gluten free imposters) should be more carefully controlled and regulated by lawmakers and at least one large, inefficient government agency composed of all middle managers and upper level bureaucrats. Finally, the combination of psychoactive substances like pot and Cheetos is an important area of ongoing clinical research and something that I, CaptCliff have boldly offered myself and my orange stained bloated body to science. Send all free samples to CaptCliff, Box 134%$#@, Atlanta, Ga. 30328.
I know it can Cliff, and that’s why I stopped!