Well I was there, in Tulum Mexico today, EXACTLY on the day and time (plus or minus 2 hours) of the so called Mayan Apocalypse. The 97 tourists a certain HuffPost journalist talked about “behaving badly” on sacred Mayan ground was more like 9700 this morning. Nothing apocalyptic happened (like a comet or super volcano eruption) so people just swam in the sea, lounged on the beach below the main temple structure, swabbed on gobs of SPF 50 sunscreen and fed sugar addicted rock iguanas who, due to ingesting human junk food and chemical preservatives have become some kind of mutant dinosaur-lizard species. I saw a Frenchman lying on his back feeding a massive iguana an Oreo off his hairless naked chest.  In “jest” I moved the half-eaten snack directly onto his Speedo bathing suit bottom. The crowd giggled at my PETA inspired intervention but unfortunately the sugar crazed beast wasn’t interested in French food or human protein of any kind.

Before catching the air conditioned buses back to the mega all- inclusive resorts, we/they stuffed our tourist gullets with “Mayan” Subway sandwiches with “Maya-naise”, and were encouraged to buy Mayan inspired trinkets that appeared on closer examination to be mass produced in China. The problem with day one of the “dawning new era” (as mentioned by our tour guide Ernesto and precisely calculated by this proud extinct civilization) is simply this: what we call “civilized” (ourselves) is really nothing more than bloated sunburned modern day versions of Hernando Cortez… Caucasian Conquistadors carrying fat wallets and smart phones and lacking any real appreciation of indigenous cultures. Luckily the modern Maya were pretty nice about the whole thing and take American Express almost everywhere.

Addendum from the Jewish book of Travel:  I enjoyed my 50 minute Holistic massage, manicure and pedicure yesterday at the Beach Palace resort and all-inclusive. I felt incredibly relaxed except for a moment of sheer panic when I realized I might not use up my $1500 in free “resort credits” by Monday. My mind began to calculate all 12,542 possible permutations of last minute spending that I could utilize and still not go one nickel over. Tomorrow is the Jungle tour and the Swimming with Dolphins excursion. Thanks to You Tube I have a fear of sexually aggressive bisexual dolphins in heat, but I need to use up the credits and Cancun “Wet and Wild” is fully booked, especially the Apocalypto Pyramid ride and the Colonel Kurtz- Zetas Drug Cartel sponsored Ritual Human Sacrifice at 1, 3 and 5 PM. I kinda wanted to see if heads really do roll around here……..More later.