Token Older Guy Response to Tavi’s David Sedaris Interview in rookiemag.com:
I got some news for you, Tavi. David Sadaris, who is admittedly a very funny man and talented writer is not really that old. I realize to you guys (the rookie staff and readers) he’s absolutely ancient, as in the Ancient Mariner. That was an old poem the english teachers used to make us read in high school. I’m guessing both David and Amy and the entire Sedaris clan remember that. Even back then most of us just read the Cliff Notes. It was what they used to call “long and ponderous”. Sadaris, who happens to be one of my favorite writers is the exact opposite, He’s quick, witty, hilarious, and completely transparent. You dont have to sit around wondering what the albatross hanging around his neck might mean metaphorically. With David Sedaris you just know, and it makes you laugh. One thing he is not, however is old. In fact he’s three years younger than I am and he actually looks to be only about 40 or maybe 45 years old thanks to photoshop and very clever plastic surgery probably performed in Los Angeles or Beverly Hills, California.
In California you can really only get two kinds of cosmetic surgery. One kind is extremely subtle and refined, with almost no scars visible. The other kind makes you look like a space alien with permanently swollen lips and leads to a gig on a reality TV show. David may well have had the former and its the type of cosmetic work that when you go out in public at first you get really pissed off for spending so much money because not enough people notice a difference or they just say you look “sort of refreshed… or something”.
Even tho David Sedaris lives with his partner somewhere in England, either in an old castle or a completely restored farm house with shabby chic furniture (like everyone else in Great Britain) he is not your average “older guy”. First of all, David Sedaris openly admits to being gay and gay people are not only better looking than the rest of us, but also look much younger naturally. They probably live longer too because they care about what they eat. In contrast, I’m a genuinely older guy. I will be 60 years old in October and I am also Caucasian, straight, bald, live in Atlanta, Georgia and have zero interest in any music that occurred after the Beatles broke up. I am so old that I cant really remember when the Beatles actually did break up and I have to use Wikipedia and the Urban Dictionary on speed dial to survive more than five minutes in a conversation with anyone under 30. Really young kids like those who are 10-12 are fine because they often like the Beatles and possibly Led Zeppelin. Since I didn’t grow up with cellphones or computers, most of my conversations end quickly because I cant figure out how to use the “hold call and switch” function on my iPhone. I pay hundreds of dollars every month for premium cable and Pay per View movies but never use it because I cant work the Comcast remote (or anything that scrolls) without a visiting teenager. Otherwise I have to bribe my grown children to drive over to my house and help. Like feral cats and illegal alien construction workers they have all learned to demand more each time for their time, trouble, and feeding. Hamburguesas con queso?
So, what’s my point? My point is you dont just need to interview a few token famous older guys for “balance and perspective”, like David Sedaris, but you need to have someone on your website staff who looks older than 15 and a sophomore in some charter high school. Yes, I know, i know….your website and content is aimed specifically at female teenagers and artistically inclined emos, fashionistas, bloggers, writers and graphic designer types. I notice that just about everyone who works for rookie.com or contributes to it lives either in New York City, Brooklyn, Seattle, LA or Tokyo, but where is your minority viewpoint? By that I obviously mean where is your crotchety old white man dude who cannot believe the world is now run by people with pimples, skinny jeans, and Little Kitty pen and pencil sets in their top desk drawer.
I know I have already said too much, used too many big words and not enough splashy graphics and instagram photos and video links. I didn’t tweet or hashtag a damn thing because I dont want to. I imagine the person who reads this is about to go use one of those bullet blenders their parents got them on Amazon to make a vegetable and wheatgrass smoothie for lunch. After that they will skype with their best friend in Seattle and have a short conference call with a really young venture capital and hedge fund manager who thinks Google might be interested in making an offer for your e-zine this year because they think it’s “fresh, real, new and plus they just like to swallow up anything and everything they can that might someday compete with them”.
Here’s what I say. I say you should think about allowing me to write something or be interviewed. You want March mystery, secrets and hidden treasure? I’m a pirate with a Ph.D.! I’ll tell you all the dirty secrets your parents and your parent’s parents dont tell you, including how they all have hidden fantasies that you all get carpal tunnel syndrome and lose your laptop data and music files in a meteor shower or electronic pulse event and solar flare-up. It’s not that were all just jealous, crabby older people and parents who envy your pre-pubescent professional success, your young supple bodies, your flat abs and total lack of wrinkles, and amazingly dexterous opposable thumbs. It’s just that we cant remember our own names and phone numbers let alone all the new acronyms, emoticons and slang terms you and your generation have created to replace normal social intercourse, the human language and classic literature. Ok, I said it…we feel left out and we want a piece of your wicked awesomeness. Peace Out….or is that even used anymore? See what I mean??