CaptCliff on Kvetchers: A Pirate-anical Public Service and For Profit Business


Kvetchers: The Business of Getting Things Done   by Cliff Mazer, Ph.D., aka CaptCliff
A Pirate-anical approach to helping people. We’re a little like the pros on Hoarders but we carry swords and curse occasionally (sometimes in Yiddish).



1) Has anyone ever referred to you fondly as a “big mess”?                                   Y/N
2) Do you have piles of papers like reproducing ant hills in your home?            Y/N
3) Do you sometimes wish you could cordon off or condemn parts of your own house?     Y/N
4) Do you have unfinished, unread, or untouched  ”To Do” lists in various places?              Y/N
5) Do you ever watch Hoarders and think, “Well at least I’m not THAT bad!”                      Y/N
6) Do you have the same crap in your car from over a year ago?                                              Y/N
7) Are you full of shit about things you say you are going to do but dont?                              Y/N
If you answered Yes to three or more questions you need to get Kvetched.


intransitive verb \ˈkvech, ˈkfech\

Definition of KVETCH

: to complain habitually : gripe
— kvetch·er noun

Examples of KVETCH

  1. They’re always kvetching about something.

Origin of KVETCH

Yiddish kvetshn, literally, to squeeze, pinch, from Middle High German quetschen

First Known Use: circa 1952

Related to KVETCH

beefbellyachebitchbleatcarpcaterwaulcrabcroak,fussgripegrizzlegrouchgrousegrowlgrumble,grumphollerinveighkeenkickcomplainmaunder[chiefly British], moanmurmurmutternagrepine,screamsquawksquealwailwhimperwhinewhinge[British], yammeryawp (or yaup), yowl
crow, delightrejoice

Idea: Kvetchers: A website, a phone service and a private pay consultation business with the intention of helping people get anything done

Motto: Pay a little. Get Alot Done

Introduction:  I used to get paid a substantial amount of money as a Clinical Psychologist and licensed psychotherapist to listen to people express themselves and their feelings but not necessarily change their behavior or get anything done. After a while I started to feel sort of like an emotional prostitute. They paid me and I helped them not feel so bad…sometimes about not getting off their ass and making necessary changes in their lives. A common complaint of many clients had to do with their loss of motivation and failure to keep up with life tasks. Ironically I have ADHD myself and have many areas of my own life where I tend to procrastinate, put off, avoid, and not finish what I started. It became clear to me that without accountability (to another person) or consequences, I wasn’t likely to change. I wanted to…I really did, but there just wasn’t anyone smart enough, dogged enough, skilled enough, or forceful enough to get me actually off the dime.  Some of the things I wanted to do I actually needed help with to figure out (the problem and the solution) and many other things were written off as unfinished due to pure laziness on my part. Being somewhat rebellious and independent minded, I even avoided taking the initiative to get another persons input, help and/or consultation. Anytime I did happen to get over myself and hired someone, no matter what the task might be, I noticed I made considerable progress. Kvetchers takes this idea a step further by having trained staff both on call by phone, by Skype and in person who know how to be both understanding and supportive but also smart and strong enough to assist clients to overcome their psychological and physical inertia and cross the “finish line”. Tasks to be prioritized and completed are individually determined, no matter if it is a professional resume, a job application, a yard clean up, a bathroom remodel, a house painting, a tax return, a telephone call to Comcast, a car repair, a cat declawing, a dog neutering, a husband’s vasectomy, a psychiatrist appointment, or at worst… ripping useless bits of trash and junk out of the hands of crazy obsessive people and driving it away in a truck faster than they, the client, can run. It doesn’t matter what it is. We all have something we havent gotten done and we KNOW we should do it, but just dont. Many people end up feeling horrible about not taking care of simple tasks or have unfinished symphonies that end up languishing like a dried up ficus tree in the corner of the master bedroom or a 2009 State income tax return under a pile of papers that we defend ferociously against all intruders (or our loving partner’s preying eyes) as if it were radioactive, ie. “Dont touch that pile!  I have it all in a very particular order!!”  That’s the thing. We arent like the certified addictionologists, OCD experts and  specialized Ph.D. therapists on TV (yeah, I got one of those too…). We realize that alot of times its the small little things that matter and you dont have to have a house full of cat feces, cardboard boxes and expired food items to feel crappy about it. We’ve got your number and we know how you roll. Most of all, we want you to succeed and get it done. We dont need to talk to your well meaning but enabling family members, angry or shell-shocked spouses, or acting out teenagers. We are here for you and hired by you to get something done…completely done. Period. Correction: You get it done and we professionally kvetch until you do it.


There are four critical steps to the Kvetchers approach (see Kvetchers training manual and website) that acknowledge the problem and shared humanity in being individuals afflicted with the procrastination plague. We recognize how and why people make “To Do” lists on little scraps of paper and then typically NEVER get them done….and then lose the scraps.  Rather than feeling bad about it we help people move quickly through the four stages of treatment for their particular Kvetching Disorder:

1)  PERMISSION: being allowed to freely kvetch, complain and make illogical and irrational excuses.  Then being made fully aware that kvetching (by the minute) will cost you money and burn zero calories and not get a damn thing accomplished… kind of like Freudian Psychoanalysis  and people who “think” about working out…
2) ADMITTING our Powerlessness (by ourselves) to get things done, to make meticulous lists of reasonable tasks to accomplish, do them, and then cross them off the list with rainbow colored Sharpies like highly organized and motivated individuals….not.
3) ACCEPTING professional help in any and all areas of human need and functioning to establish, craft and organize lists of undone behaviors, discrete goals and tasks and then be cajoled, supported, humored, beaten, kvetched at and reinforced like a puppy dog with a big pig’s ear to get it done…
4) PAYING FOR IT: While most people would think “follow-up” is the most important and final dimension of such a labor-intensive human service business, they are wrong. The most important part is getting paid for having the skill and finesse to get normally lazy, irresponsible, sneaky and avoidant people of all races, creeds and colors to cross the finish-line and feel like a champ. Go ahead, do the Dirty Bird or any silly touchdown dance you want because you deserve the special feeling (see above antonym words, ie. crow, delight, rejoice, etc.) that goes with actual completion and closure and we, the Kvetchers team deserve to get the Benjamins and then get out of Dodge. It’s more fun being the Lone Ranger, Zorro, or Mighty Mouse than it is having to stick around and watch people remake a huge mess, like for example the ones in Iraq and Afghanistan……. Hopefully our clients learned something and wont do it again, but hey, if they do, that’s on them and they’ve got our number. P.S. We sometimes cleverly have clients write out a check to people and organizations they hate with a passion and would rather paint the garage then have us ever mail it, ie. the American Nazi Party, Neo-Cons for Cheney in 2016, Casey Anthony is, etc.

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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