Testosterone: Man Medicine or Big Pharma Sex Scheme by Cliff Mazer, Ph.D.

I’m not great at math, but according to the TV commercial I just
watched, I may have little or no “natural” testosterone left in my aging
body. It mentioned something about how testosterone levels begin to go down
after age 30 and plummet after age 50. I mean who likes to hear you are very
possibly “half the man” you used to be? Does it really matter which half  is left?

After watching that particular commercial play over and over every 10 minutes, I was somewhat surprised I could even get out of bed, let alone brush my teeth
without assistance. Forget sexual desire, performance, libido, skin tone, vitality,
or anything vaguely masculine or muscular in nature. Without these new
medicines I am apparently doomed within five years to turn into some kind of gelatinous
blob with reproductive organs as useless as a vestigial tailbone or micro-penis
…..and a rather small one at that. The testosterone containing product called AndroGel
can be rubbed on your body or used under your arms, but instead of having a
pleasant anti-perspirant effect and smelling like tropical fruit, lavender and lace,
you wake up with large pectoral muscles, flat abs, and the desire to
copulate with anything that moves. Of course there are a few untoward negative
side effects like instant prostate cancer, acne, hairy palms, and if by chance
your five or six year old daughter or grandkid happens to get a hold of the stuff accidentally she could reach puberty and become a moody, angry teenager
with bad acne overnite. That would really suck. Why cant I just rub it on my
bald head or why cant I look like that 65 year old guy in the Sky Mall
magazine who has the body of Lou Ferrigno and the head of Dick Cheney?
Actually never mind about that. I wouldn’t want to have the man stuff  go to
my head and end up starting another hair-brained war on foreign soil. We cant even afford the current ones and those countries are filled with guys high on natural testosterone and adrenaline.

At my age, I admit it’s tempting to consider trying the herbal or
pharmaceutical Macho Man medicine. Still, one has to be circumspect about
anything that offers instant solutions to complex problems. I remember
the first time I received a test sample of Viagra from Pfizer as a
special promotion to certain sex therapists. I felt it my obligation
to administer it to myself as the initial guinea pig before recommending
it to others in my private practice. My physical reaction after twenty
minutes exceeded my clinical expectations. In fact I was so impressed I
became somewhat giddy and “swollen” with false pride and power. I
vaguely remember calling my internist, Dr. Kraus and telling him I
“felt like a God” (probably the Roman God Priapus) and that if he
didn’t hear from me in four hours not to worry because I definitely
would NOT be seeking medical assistance. Who would predict that
women clients would later complain to their therapists about their
formerly flaccid male partners who were now relentless werewolf-like
creatures seeking sexual gratification “too often” and interfering
with their exhausted spouses need for rest and uninterrupted sleep.

True, I dont feel so very manly lately and the guy in the mirror seems
more great grandpa than great Gatsby. The mere idea of something that
turns back the hands of time and allows one to relive long ago feelings
of youthful vitality and verve (not to mention intact cognitions and normal
memory) are understandable. Maybe I should first get back to the gym
and the treadmill I’ve been avoiding for two weeks, throw out the loaf of white
bread I got on sale at Krogers, and actually practice engaging in the so-called
“healthy lifestyle” I advise others to establish. Maybe then it wont take
me so long to bend down to pick up the toast crumbs on the kitchen floor and I wont have worry about having hairy hands and hirsute palms, or at least any more then they already are. But that’s a whole ‘nother story……….By the way, I still have a office drawer full of herbal pills and Chinese remedies containing Horny Goat Weed that various manufacturers and entrepreneurs  sent me as free samples if anyones interested.

Roman God Priapus or ancient design for robe/toga hook:   http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c8/Mercurius-Priapus_MAN_Napoli_SN.jpg&imgrefurl=http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Mercurius-Priapus_MAN_Napoli_SN.jpg&h=3159&w=3500&sz=10240&tbnid=XeuNXo2ut9HryM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=100&prev=/search%3Fq%3DPriapus,wiki%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=Priapus,wiki&usg=__xmCAuwcPEhHKL6PDx17J49w50mo=&sa=X&ei=rPRuUdmWM4e08QTfwIHgBA&ved=0CDgQ9QEwCA