Robot Hand Jobs

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The fundamental “Law of Robotics” (especially in sci-fi movies) is “Robots must obey humans and follow their commands. They must never harm or go against their human creators.” Anyone who has ever been in a relationship of any length knows how good that sounds….like music to their ears.  Unlike machines, most people don’t like to follow orders or be told what to do and the closer the other person is to you the LESS likely they are to listen or carry out your so-called “command”. That may explain why we love our dogs so much and have very mixed emotions about cats. Dogs love to listen, pay attention, and have an almost perverse need for love and approval (not to mention bacon and doggie treats). Cats, on the other hand, are like 14 year old girls who just look up at you and think, “Leave me alone. Omg, what!???”
 
On Happy Endings With Robots
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Since the world is insane and insanity is just one way to cope with an absurd reality, I shall revisit the topic of sex with robots. Of course I’ve reported on this “engaging” subject before on account of the fact that men obsess about the possibility and secretly care more about it than whether NASA EVER lands men on Mars or if there’s a good phone app for their Roomba vacuum cleaner. Naturally, very few guys will admit this publicly and by mentioning it here on my CaptCliff blog I have just broken the Manly Code of Sexual Secrecy (MCSS). I’m a dead man walking….
Ever since AOL chat rooms allowed users to dial up (“You got mail!!”) and talk dirty with nameless/faceless strangers (often morbidly obese women in Omaha and strange kooky guys in Ohio or Florida) guys have waited patiently for the advanced robotics and innovative Sci-fi technology necessary to enable them to have real sex ….with fake people.
 
Truth be told, the fantasy of sexing it up with androids has been around much longer than AOL. Those of us brought up in the late 50′s and 60′s (and later) will remember sexy robots in science fiction movies and TV shows such as Star Trek, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, Blade Runner, AI, etc. The killer robotic Terminator chick doesn’t really count because she was too likely to turn her hand into a long razor sharp ninja sword and plunge it into your naive as shit head. That’s just not sexy. Our male robot fantasies were often preceded by innocent encounters in early childhood with animatronic figures at Disneyland, several World Fairs and a handful (so to speak) of futuristic exhibits at science museums. I know its hard (so to speak) for the average reader to imagine how a talking parrot at the Enchanted Tiki Room at Disneyland or the cast of characters at Mr Lincolns Hall of Presidents or even the obnoxious and mind numbing Chuck-e-Cheese dancing/singing props could give rise (so to speak) to florid sexual fantasies but that would take a lengthy discussion about hormones, puberty, and temporary insanity. I will even guess that many of my female readers (or both of them) will be left thinking , “EWWW!! …are you freakin’ kidding me??” Trust me on this, yes.  Like pitch dark outer space and treacherous snow-covered mountains in Nepal or Tibet…man contemplates going sexually where no other man or horny 16 year old teenager has gone before. According to extensive sex research that also includes farm animals, kitchen appliances, soft furniture, various household pets, and God only knows what else……If you don’t believe me read the original Kinsey Sex report. I did during my clinical sex therapy internship and half the time I wanted to throw up.
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Bottomline: The future is now and some sick bastard research scientist and Artificial Intelligence software engineer (usually  a nerdy Japanese or German guy ) have finally figured out how to make a robot that gives a proper hand job (see web link below). A beta version looks more like something at an old Dave and Busters video arcade that you drop a coin in the slot and then cautiously “belly up” to the bar…so to speak.  Talk about a serious industrial accident waiting to happen…
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Personally I think I’ll put off buying this particular Christmas or Thanksgiving Doorbuster item until they get all the electronic bugs out of the operating system and make it look less like Arnold Schwartzeneeger’s robotic limb attached to what appears to be a As Seen on TV “shake weight” or my Ronco plastic egg beater device. I realize I may greatly regret that decision later on. On the other hand (so to speak) I cant wait for the live infomercial with the manic dude with ADHD selling this contraption like hotcakes on QVC.
P,S.>  HOLY CRAP I WAS ONLY HALF-SERIOUS. THESE PEOPLE ARE FOR REAL: http://yunchtime.net/?p=780

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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