Cannibalism: Latest European Food Fad

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 Among the European nations, Germany is apparently the world leader in “people who eat people” (cue Barbara Streisand music).

That’s right, you heard me correctly. I’m not referring to zombies or roving bands of Game of Thrones-like Teutonic barbarians chanting pagan blood rituals. I’m referring to average German citizens living ordinary lives as policemen, office clerks, computer programmers and architects. The only difference is that they’ve somehow developed a persistent preference for eating one another. I suppose they could be considered Euro-cannibals. I know Germans can get pretty kinky and adore electronic music,  their fancy automobiles, and homemade sausages and meat pies but I had no idea that a growing portion of the populace was now engaging in both individual and flash mob renditions of Sweeney Todd.

By utilizing social media platforms these culinary “outliers” are able to locate one other and meet (meat?) in a civilized fashion before chowing down on each others liver with fava beans and a bottle of good Chianti. By talking first online or meeting informally for cappuccino mit schlog these contemporary cannibals are able to “smell each other out” and come to mutually agreeable terms. It’s kind of like a first date on Match.com but far more permanent. Maybe there’s even a phone app for it now like Tinder. Swipe right to roast. Left to ghost……
Simple “nibblers” or those only interested in “finger foods” can be distinguished from hardcore Man-eaters who tend to comply with their parents admonishments to finish everything on their plate. Other “trophy taker” types typically enjoy keeping select body parts on ice in the garage freezer. Finally, the Hannibal Lector intellectually oriented gourmands who want the full foodie tasting menu with seasonal smorgasbord of fresh internal organs are now able to obtain a veritable “Murder to Morgue” feast to which they are accustomed.  Amazingly, a small number of these extreme eating enthusiasts are nice enough to prefer to only BE eaten rather than consuming others thus lowering their carbon footprint on Earth to absolute zero. How noble! Come to think of it, if more people donated their bodies to a bistro rather than to medical science we might reduce overpopulation AND have a viable alternative food source that is nutritious, protein rich and beats the heck out of those disgusting bugs Andrew Zimmern consumes like pumpkin seeds on “Bizarre Foods”. Summary: Soylent Green may in fact have it’s day in the sun as I for one never thought the food science geeks would develop a soy product that tastes “exactly like a filet mignon”. No fricken’way.  Human beings on the other hand may just be the next thing on the global gourmet menu, ie., wagyu wrist tartare, chargrilled human hanger steak au poivre, etc. Along with this trend in Deutschland aimed less towards traditional fattening Bavarian fare and more towards lean cuts of carefully cannibalized customers, American chefs/ grill masters like Bobby Flay might want to zip up their pants and pay attention. Heck, if Bobby Flay ever chose to spark up the grill and try out this uber “hip” new trend he might actually get a chance to live up to his name…literally.
Upper photo:  Wagyu Tartare, Blackbird, Chicago Illinois

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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