CaptCliff on The Ghost and Mrs Muir Woods

Sometimes ones best days are also their worst. It may have something to do with that annoying “dialectic” that really smart people and Buddhists talk about. You know what I’m talking about. It’s the whole “light and dark”, “good and evil”, “two sides of the coin” thing. Here’s a recent example.

Picture me in “Nirvana” on a 10-day vacation, otherwise known as being in San Francisco, California. I’ve already stuffed myself to the brim with the “perfect” sushi meal in Japantown, the “perfect” dim sum in Chinatown, the “perfect” butter croissant in Berkeley, and a frothy Cappuccino in North Beach that by rights should make every Starbucks barista in the world turn in their badge, apron and espresso machine and admit defeat. Thus I am riding a wave of perfect number “10” culinary experiences and ESP-infused synchronicity that also included creating impossible-to-get parking spaces near the Ferry Building and controlling the weather. The sun is shining and the temperature is 73 degrees unless I chose to will it otherwise. The success of the San Francisco Giants in the World Series was quite possibly just another small example of a baseball team riding my tsunami wave of good vibes, good food and “high-end” manifesting of the “best” there is in the Bay area. Dont get me started about legal pot either as it was easier to score good weed in SF than it was in Colorado where they direct you to their efficient medical dispensary/clinics and sophisticated cannabis-based infrastructure. In contrast, we walked to Haight-Ashbury and before I could pass the McDonalds on Stanyan Street I was already hooked up by a hippie named Steve who was not only efficient but also didn’t require a picture ID or phony baloney medical card.

Anyway, picture me and the gf sallying forth one day to beautiful  Muir Woods in Marin County to commune with nature and the giant Sequoia trees. It’s a perfect day…as usual. We decided to take a 3-4 mile hike on the “Ocean View” Trail. The idea was to have an amazingly gorgeous yet reasonable little trek through the forest floor and then experience the majesty of the Pacific Ocean as we emerged into the sun-drenched eucalyptis-scented hills above Mill Valley. Of course thousands of other out-of-shape tourists do this every single day there so what could possibly go wrong?  Short Answer: My prostate gland.
Here’s what happened in a nutshell:  After 2 miles we both had to pee really bad.  After 3 miles we were both doing that squish-your-legs-together thing. At 3.5 miles I gave into temptation and decided to plan a surreptitious whiz off-trail by carefully spacing myself between the Japanese couple well behind us and the South American family of five far ahead. The plan involved using my gf as bait and primary “lookout”. My simple instructions to her were as follows: “Fall back to within sight of the Japanese and when I yell “GO” observe their progress and ONLY yell if they are coming around the bend. Keep in mind that my 60+ year old bladder was by this time more swollen and engorged than the Goodyear blimp flying over San Francisco’s AT&T Stadium. Fortunately, my pee-plan went flawlessly…until it didn’t and basically blew up like the Hindenburg.  EXACTLY mid-pee, which everyone knows is the legendary “point of no return”, I heard a scream/guttural cry in the distance and immediately knew that meant there were “strangers in our midst” or Asian tourists approaching my “mist”, so to speak. There was nothing I could do but accept the consequences of polyuria-interruptus. At that point I lost complete control and ended up wetting my Docker safari shorts like an incontinent octogenarian or feral Siberian wolf-child. Dont believe me? You think I jest? Just check out the photos above. I know…..ewww.

Epilogue:   When the Japanese couple failed to materialize I yelled back to my girlfriend, “What the hell happened?” “Where are the Japanese?”
She: “I dont know they sort of disappeared. Maybe they were ghosts.”
Me: “Then why did you scream!?”
She: “Oh, that was a mistake. I just tripped on something while I was cropping a photo on my cellphone”. Riiiiiiight…..

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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