The Balinese people are a sweet, kind, artistically inclined populace. They paint, sculpt, carve wood, dance, and mass produce thousands of colorfully decorated penises for the tourist trade. Yes I said penises. I cant say I know the cultural or religious significance of these ubiquitous phallic symbols. Nor do I really know why foreign visitors need so many cock shaped bottle openers in various sizes and colors but nevertheless they hang prominently and quite realistically in the markets and make-shift stalls of many venders throughout the countryside. Maybe it’s a fertility thing or maybe like in Imperial Rome they’re meant to ward off bad luck and counter the “evil eye”, Kinnehora! Either way it’s a startling sight seeing pasty white tourists in beachwear and sunburned middle-aged Aussies shlepping down the streets of Benspasar carrying a bottle of SPF50 sunscreen in one hand and a bag of Balinese wood dicks in the other.
Of course, CaptCliff with his non-stop creativity compulsion, custom pipe craftsmanship and entrepreneurial spirit couldn’t help but see a unique business opportunity. I decided to engage in peace pipe “alchemy”. I would turn lewd Balinese bottle openers into one-of-a kind penis pipes for my growing pipe art collection in Atlanta. While the other foreigners and hotel guests were being relentlessly accosted by street vendors and hassled to buy novelty items and tourist crap they really don’t need or want, I would accost the same Balinese vendors and sell them the Chinese fidget spinners I bought for $5 at a Sandy Springs garage sale the week before…and guess what? Mission accomplished! For 12 zillion rupiah ($35) I closed the deal with the first stall vendor I spoke with. I told him and sold him my “one-of-a-kind” American fidget spinners even tho there were 6 of them all exactly the same and all bearing “Made in Hong Kong” stickers on the bottom of each box. My Australian muse/partner in crime Debbie preferred the word “bamboozled” or “swindled” to “sold” but whatever….Then I bought a “sample pack” of small Balinese bottle opener penises from the same guy including a much larger anatomically correct black wood penis which I made him throw in for free at the end just to sweeten the deal. My idea was to take my bag of Balinese dicks back to the resort hotel and figure out how to extract the cheap but firmly installed metal bottle opener part off the balls (“berry”) end of the twig and berries item without causing a catastrophic injury to the wooden shaft. Breaking the shaft would have been somewhat akin to what can and does occur occasionally when acrobatically-inclined young people engage in excessively vigorous sex acts including the notorious “reverse cowboy” sexual intercourse position. Being a sex therapist as well as a legendary artiste ( solely in my own mind) I know that penises don’t actually break in two but wooden reproductions very possibly could. Luckily this is not my first rodeo in either arena so I knew what had to be done. Plus I am also a vasectomy survivor who went through the surgical procedure many years ago and suffered no ill effects besides recurrent PTSD nightmares involving my testicles and some guy with ginormous landscaping shears from Home Depot.. Paging Sigmund Freud….. Unfortunately I hadn’t thought to bring any of my specialized wooden penis bottle opener extractors or Black and Decker power tools on vacation with me. On the other hand, the housekeeping staff at the hotel have a standard policy of always asking guests, “Is there anything I can do to help you, sir?” I admit to hesitating for only three seconds before “plunging in” so to speak. The irony and “bent” humor of having some sweet young Balinese boy and wholesome housekeeper (named Saran) fetch a pair of pliers and do bound and determined battle with the metal bottle opener end of a large wooden dick in front of the resort swimming pool and health spa was almost too much for me… so naturally I filmed the whole thing for posterity.
Here it is: