Casey’s diary: Back to the Homeland

Casey’s Diary

Day Two: Back to the Homeland

 

Ok, things definitely did not work out in Attatabad, or whatever they call it. Pakistan is so stupid! All I did was sit around and do my nails (mortuary black with little white skulls) while the whole stupid country is busy planking on oriental carpets and chasing goats all day. My raisin bran tasted like puke with goat milk in it. Even in jail they had 2%…….Ewww. 

 

Also, have they never heard of deodorant? The women smell worse then the men, and the men smell like my car trunk. I told Chaney I would do him even better then Jose if he got me the frick out of here. He got me a gig back in Orlando at Splash Mountain on account of my previous “lifeguard” experience. Ha, but seriously, with the obesity epidemic among kids in the USA, dont you think there are gonna be tons (literally) of parents who would be better off without their whiny lard ass pre-diabetic toddlers?? Speaking of…I’d like to get my hands on Nancy Graces “sweet” little twins. That beatch has it coming to her. Anyway, they flew me back on a private jet. That was SO cool.

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CaptCliff’s Fancy Restaurant Review: Canoe

Canoe Restaurant Review

Rating 4 stars out of 5 (To get a 5 they have to be absolutely flawless, offer sexual amenities,  and/or free organ transplants)

 

After two weeks of exercising and eating healthy (ok, I was starving to death) in preparation for a high school reunion, I went to the very fancy and well respected dining establishment, Canoe for dinner with Becca and Ari. We went at the suggestion of my foodie son, Benjamin who plans to be a doctor, not only to heal the sick and the less fortunate, but also so that he can afford to patronize exceptional restaurants like this one. Amazing meal. We ate everything (the braised rabbit, the steak, the seared scallops, etc.) as well as the live chicken and a random restaurant worker named Jose I caught roaming free-range in the chef’s sustainable organic garden. I killed them both myself using a sharpened stick of red cedar salvaged responsibly from the tornado several weeks ago in Vinings. Delish. Talk about service and attention to detail. By the time the desserts came (the Chocolate Grotto and a flour less chocolate pudding with homemade mint ice cream) we practically needed to call the “Scooter Store” for assistance. I noticed on my son’s iPhone that I qualified for this senior perk by this time into our multi-course meal having both limited mobility and by being nearly unable to get up unassisted due to how incredibly full I was. This review fails to even mention the gigantic uber-fantastic bread tray (freshly baked sesame lavash flatbread, sour dough and cranberry raisin loaf all made on premises) that was offered to our table multiple times, mostly because I blocked the server from getting by with my chair until he coughed it up…again and again. Regardless, there was no way we werent going to finish in grand style, so we did. How full was I , you ask?  It is conceivable I had a small cardiac event or TIA in Canoe’s parking lot, but the valet/attendant was more than gracious and pointed me in the general direction of my home in Sandy Springs (and Northside Hospital). I look forward to visiting this culinary masterpiece on the river again as soon as my doctors deem me sufficiently recovered. Just kidding. It was super…..Four “arrggahs” out of Five

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Casey in Hiding: Day One

Casey’s Journal: Day One

Wow, I cant believe I am out!! It’s so weird to be able to just get up and do whatever I want! I also cant believe all these people sent me free money and checks. I dont even have to forge their signatures, lol!! Seriously, I do want to start over my life. I mean, its been 3 years behind bars and I havent partied since forever…..I want to get a Brazilian and maybe do a couple of Peruvians, ha!

Speaking of Peru, Joran Van der Sloot texted me congrats from jail last nite and asked me if liked to play strip poker …so random. He is kinda cute tho. He also said they allow conjugal visits there. I’m sorry but….ewww. If he was dumb enough to leave forensic evidence, let alone a DEAD BODY strewn around a hotel room, duh, then 1) I cant imagine how disgusting his solitary cell looks and smells and 2) he’s not a keeper as far as I’m concerned. Plus, Jose said there are other places I can go if things dont work out here in Pakistan. Can you believe this place is surrounded by pot gardens?? I’m so excited to start my new identity. I tried on the Burkha thingy and its so exotic. I always loved how I look in black but I’m definitely taking the hem up…and I mean WAY up! More later. They are killing a chicken right now and I want to watch how they do it. Peace Out!

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All the News Thats Fit To…..Blech

In my capacity as a certified sexologist, it has come to my attention that I sometimes exceed my mandate to inform the public about interesting sex related news articles, including the guy whose wife cut off his manhood (hood and all) and the animal lover who tends to take thing too far with horses. I fully appreciate these reader cautions, but continue to feel passionate about my primary mission to remind people just how sick and twisted our species really is.

On the other hand, there is always another side to life. There is good in the world. Normally I let my sisters and extremely nice friends like Joede point that out, while I,CaptCliff specialize in the dark shadow parts. However, in this case I must also acknowledge and salute our brave men and women in uniform, especially at these precarious times. In particular, in the “penis in the garbage disposal” story this is exactly the kind of human drama that makes you fully appreciate fireman and the police. Apparently one of them reached into the disposal and pulled out whatever was left so they could send it along with the over-circumsized guy in the ambulance to the hospital. They “werent sure” if reattachment was an option. What? After a run through the disposal they might consider reattachment? What kind of weird looking appendage would they have possibly gotten from that? What kind of nickname would you rather have, “stumpy” or “the shredder”?

As for the horse whisperer who whispers more then sweet nothings….I like and appreciate how first he fed them lovingly from a bucket and then used the bucket to gain more height for his, um… “hobby”. Very clever. For us shorter men we must always use our heads first to make up for what God didnt give us. In this case, he was making up for what God clearly DIDNT intend us to do in the first place. Double triple “ewww”. Oh well, like I always say……it’s a weird weird world. Next up….the guy who breeds and hoards gerbils….internally.   Just kidding. Stay tuned.

 

 

 

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Ode to Casey Anthony….especially on next Wed…..from the poem, “Casey at the Bat”

And now the wooden gavel came hurtling down through the air

And Casey stood awatching it in classic psychopathic glare

Close by the sturdy bailiffs stood, absolutely sure “Guilty” would be read

“That ain’t my duct tape or DNA”, said Casey

Not Guilty! the jury foreman read

 

From the benches full of gawking people there went up a muffled roar

Like the beating of the artificial waves on a close by Disney hotel shore

Kill her! Kill the lawyers! shouted someone, possibly Nancy Grace and friends

And its likely they would have killed her hadn’t Judge Perry raised his hand

 

Oh somewhere in this favored land, the sun is shining bright

A Beatles tribute band is playing in Vegas and somewhere hearts are light

And somewhere men are laughing and somewhere justice will prevail

But there is no joy in Orlando or on CNN

Crazy Casey just made bail

 

 

 

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How Casey Anthony Got Off

Dont be surprised about Casey Anthony. Just got back from Florida after driving 8 hours. I saw the real Florida, not Disneyworld or South Beach. I saw the side of the state with humongous highway signs that say, “We Got Strippers!!” followed by “Abortion Kills” and “Pain Clinic” (wink wink) ….There’s nuthin’ like stoppin off for a brewski , a prayer breakfast, a big handful of Oxys and a couple of toothless Floridian highway hoes……..No wonder they let Casey Anthony off….Everyone is high on Jesus and Vicodins. Very confusing.

 
 

 

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CaptCliff Blogs Off on the News: What is With the Germans and Eating People They Kidnap?

I like to keep up with current events. Today it was a tough choice between the article about the German Cannibal Killer below or one on AOL News entitled: Michelle Obama Shows Off in Vibrant Pantsuit……..That kind of threw me for a loop. This is news?  Where is Walter Cronkite when we need him….desperately.

 

Anyway, perhaps because of my personal interest in cannibals or perhaps because of my fondness for  southern barbecue (especially when I am trying to diet), I chose the former. Here are my random insights and reactions:

1) Jesus, the Germans really DO lack a sense of humor. 2) What is with Germans and homicidal killer-kidnapper-cannibals? Dont they have TakeOut over there??  3)  The better question is what to feed this guy in prison?  If he behaves in jail, he could choose off the Jeffrey Dahmer “Meat and Three” (assorted limbs) Menu. If he does not, and continues to behave badly, I would suggest organic veggies only…….That should really get to him…….  4)  I’m surprised his lawyer didnt just claim he has ADHD and repressed memories of being molested..by someone.  Arent the Europeans aware of this mental health scourge? I myself am much less likely to eat human flesh after taking my stimulant medicine. Well, for at least 8 hours or so…. Arrgh!!

 

GERMAN CANNIBAL KILLER SENTENCED TO LIFE

 

BERLIN — A 26-year-old German man dubbed the “cannibal killer” after he confessed to eating the flesh and drinking the blood of one of his teenage victims has been convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.

 

Jan O., whose last name was withheld in accordance with German privacy laws, was convicted in Goettingen state court of two counts of capital murder Monday for the November slayings of a 14-year-old girl and a 13-year-old boy.

 

During the trial the defendant confessed to licking blood from a wound of the girl and biting flesh from her neck. He killed the boy five days later.

 

DAPD news agency reports Presiding Judge Ralf Guenther says the murders showed an “almost unimaginable dimension of criminality.” An appeal for the defense is pending.

 

 

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Capt Cliff: Pirate Psychologist and Bottom-liner

My three sons, aged 21 to 25 often accuse me of “bottom-lining”. After conducting a futile google search, I realized I needed to ask them what they meant by that. Briefly, and I paraphrase, they meant I like to offer glib responses to current events, often but not always having to do with professional sports, that make it seem like I know more than I actually do. For example, last nite while cooking steaks and burgers on the griill for my assorted progeny and their gfs, I offered the following question/comment about the NBA finals between Dallas and Miami: “Well, it’s not like any one player is dominant so far, am I right?!!”  My sons, knowing my pitiful lack of basketball knowledge all rolled their eyes simultaneously and made a collective sigh that said volumes, but primarily meant, “Dad is such a poser! He doesnt know shit about B-ball. He’s bottom-lining again!!”   Ok, they were right…..this time. I am capable of engaging in man talk that is designed to: 1) keep interesting social dialogue going while I burn the barbecue and 2) cover for the fact that I sometimes dont know much about things others care alot about. So there it is, a public mea culpa….They should get a big kick out of that. 

 

However, now that I’ve got the confession part out for all to see, read and possibly use against me later, allow me to argue why cutting to the chase, or bottom-lining may not be a bad thing, especially when it comes to certain subjects, objects, persons and topics of interest. Let me also say one more thing about this bottom-lining label that I now own and wear with pride. Well, maybe not wear with pride, but also not exactly shlep around with like a scarlet B upon my chest either.

 

 In this complicated pluralistic world, I find it increasingly odd (and irritating) that people arent willing to say what they really think and stick to their opinion. On the other hand, i find it just as strange that so many folks arent willing to listen to reason and common sense, and if convinced otherwise, be amenable to changing their viewpoint, even if it means being initially WRONG.  Everybody loves to play the extremes by either being absolutely certain (as in “you cant change my mind”) or dont want to cut through the crap and say what is obviously the more obvious truth. This seems to be the real mental disease of the decade, along with the proliferation of psychiatric labels and Big Pharma drugs used to treat the plethora of popular new diseases, ie. bipolar, ADHD, love and sex addiction, borderline,etc.The very partisan nature of politics and professional life makes the situation even worse. As a licensed psychologist, alot of people expect me to use the in vogue labels and diagnostic categories, like Dr. Drew Pinsky does on TV. Let me cut to the chase and say this. I think Dr. Drew is a sham and a dickwad. He thinks everyone has an addiction and sees sex abuse behind every single case and corner like George Bush frantically looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMDs) under every Iraqi picnic table and behind the drapes at the White House or Saddams sleazy overdone palaces.

 

Why is it every new news event, whether it is Anthony Weiner’s weiner or Swartzenegger’s shlong gets turned into a political debate about party politics or a personality disorder?  I could bottom-line it and say its the fault of the highly polarized news media and the crazed TV talking heads like Dick Morris, Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Maher, etc.. who are trotted out like a matched set of Sesame Street characters on steroids to argue with each other and convince us that stupidity is highly correlated to ones voter registration card. Here’s another mea culpa for you.  I dont vote, and its not cuz I eschew the polarization of American political discourse. It’s because I dont want to get called to jury duty and have to waste my day waiting for my turn to convince someone that either I’m too crazy or too willing to vote GUILTY merely for WASTING MY TIME! They can keep the lousy 25 bucks cuz I think Casey Anthony is guilty as sin, Arnold is an Uber-groper, and Anthony Weiner loves himself and his cell phone way too much. There, I said it. I guess I am a bottom-liner….and slightly proud of it. I guess that’s why I call myself a Pirate Psychologist and my new viewpoint Pirate Psychotherapy. We all need to practice cutting to the chase and telling it like it is. If we mess up, or God forbid are wrong about something, we should be held accountable and own it fully….or walk the proverbial plank.  Arrgghh!!

 

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CaptCliff (Inspector Mazer) Crack Tot Mom Case

My theory is that Cindy Anthony ( a somewhat controlling and critical person who normally pretends like everything is normal, “fine” and in control) violently confronted Caycee Anthony on June 15th, ended up choking her and screaming about the stolen money from the grandparents nursing home funds and subequently threatened Caycee’s parental rights by accusing her of being an “unfit mother”. In retaliation, Caycee left the house with Caylee and something “snapped” in her sociopathic head that led her to act on violent fantasies and delusional beliefs she had already been having for several months (see internet searches), including the idea that she would rather see Caylee dead than have her in her parents primary care and custody. Underlying this thought was the subconscious notion that her life would be much easier and her social relationships (both romantic and with friends) better if she was unencumbered by her role as a single mother, a role she never really wanted at age 19 or 20. The info below describe her antisocial personality (psychopath) to a T. The most dangerous and insidious type of sociopath is the “malignant personality”.  They are the type of psychopath that have enough intelligence and social skills to exhibit a relatively normal yet superficial social facade. They are capable of violence when thwarted or publicly exposed, habitually lie, cheat, and steal and can adapt like chameleons to the social demands of the environment they live in. They spend a lifetime learning to be charming and talking their way in and out of problems, dilemmas, and sticky situations of their own making. Their pulse rate and blood pressure remain normal in situations that would typically stress the shit out of the rest of us. The father George’s role? Typically subservient to his understandably stressed out and controlling second wife, Cindy, he is a basically decent guy and a money grubbing shlub (who contributed to their mounting financial debts due to secretive internet gambling, a year long affair with one of the rescue workers, etc.) and who at times lies out of personal convenience and/or “fails to remember” things properly. His recollection of Caycee leaving with Caylee during the day on july 16th while he was watching a cooking show on tv is his most blatant lie, done to cover-up the significance of the kind of overt threats, and other incriminating things that were said between Cindy and Caycee the night before. Statements from Cindy like, “We will take Caylee away from you!” or outbursts from Caycee like, “You will never see Caylee again!!” would be the type of things that George would like very much to NOT remember and thus, was willing to lie about to protect himself, his wife and his daughter. Both he and Cindy refused to take lie detectors tests. The fact that he subsequently contemplated suicide is a strong sign of this internal conflict he carries. Now with Caycee’s charges of sexual abuse……he just adds it to his long suffering shlub plate. Now wait and watch brother Lee’s hair turn prematurely gray/silver just like his father George.  Sex abuse, while horrible, is not relevent to this case. Whether Caycee killed Caylee and knew it was wrong and criminal IS the point, and she DID. She is hugely disturbed, but is not crazy. Guilty as charged. Next case. Now can we please flash fry Dr. Drew for getting so out of his league and being such a cloying, pedantic sell-out. Go back to your spoiled celebrity narcissism rave and recovery spa. Please take Nancy Grace with you. She hasnt gotten over her own trauma. No, not her fiance’s death, I mean when she was a kid and someone yanked away her soap-on-a-rope microphone right out of her ham-handed little fists. She would have made a great MC at a lynching. I dont know whose devoted fans I hate more, hers or Glen Becks…..

 

 

Psychopath:    Whereas we might occasionally tell a white lie, a psychopath’s lying is compulsive. Most of us experience some degree of guilt about lying, preventing us from exhibiting such behavior on a regular basis. “Psychopaths don’t discriminate who it is they lie to or cheat,” says Seto. “There’s no distinction between friend, family and sucker.”

 

 

Psychopaths also tend to switch jobs as frequently as they switch partners, mainly because they don’t have the qualities to maintain a job for the long haul. Their performance is generally erratic, with chronic absences, misuse of company resources and failed commitments. Often they aren’t even qualified for the job and use fake credentials to get it. Seto talks of a sociopath patient who would regularly get marketing jobs based on his image; he was a presentable and charming man who layered his conversations with educational and occupational references. But it became evident that the man hadn’t a clue what he was talking about, and was unable to hold down a job.  

 

Psychopaths don’t seek therapy willingly, says Seto. Rather, they’re pushed into it by a desperate relative or by a court order. To a psychopath, a therapist is just one more person who must be conned, and the psychopath plays the part right until the therapist is convinced of his or her ‘rehabilitation.’

 

Even though we can’t treat psychopaths effectively with therapy, it doesn’t mean we can’t protect ourselves, writes Hare. Willson agrees, citing the most important factor in keeping psychopaths at bay is to know your vulnerabilities. We need to “realize our own potential and maximize our strengths” so that our insecurities don’t overcome us. Because, she says, a psychopath is a chameleon who becomes “an image of what you haven’t done for yourself.” Over time, she says, “their appearance of perfection will begin to crack,” but by that time you will have been emotionally and perhaps financially scathed. There comes a time when you realize there’s no point in searching for answers; the only thing is to move on.

 

Taken in part from MW — By Caroline Konrad — September 1999

 

THE MALIGNANT PERSONALITY:

 

These people are mentally ill and extremely dangerous! The following precautions will help to protect you from the destructive acts of which they are capable.

 

First, to recognize them, keep the following guidelines in mind.

 

(1) They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything.

 

(2) They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace.

 

(3) They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else’s fault.

 

(4) They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed.

 

(5) Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They have no empathy for others and are capable of violence. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social facade.

 
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On Weiner’s weiner

On Weiner’s weiner

I’ve been asked my professional opinion of the “weiner” scandal. I cant believe people are so immature and titillated by tweeted crotch shots (no, that wasn’t a pun). I will not lower myself to the b-anal level of the mass media and their talking heads….That wasn’t a cheap shot either. Apparently, the actual x-rated photo was “leaked” today, released by a couple of radio shock jocks short of common decency. I will now look at the offending photo…..OH MY GODD!!  If this reaches the level of criminal prosecution, I promise there will NOT be a hung jury. 

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