What if I told you I have been sick for a couple days and I am getting bored to tears with my own hacking, wheezing, lying in a prone position, checking my emails for non-existent fan mail, checking my Facebook forums for signs of intelligent life, getting up to eat more Wheat Thins, drinking Nyquil like it its Dasani water, and generally feeling like shit on a stick? I cant even bring myself to turn on the TV because I’ve seen every Law and Order already and even the Weather Channel seems like it’s playing reruns….What is with these tropical storms and their incessant formations in the Gulf of Mexico??  It’s like the weather now has a mind of its own and is toying with us!! Is it the Nyquil shots or did I see Osama Bin Ladens face in the eye of Hurricane Irene??  Ok, I know I need to get a grip and let the Klonopin wafer melt under my tongue, but I still think we are burning off some kind of bad karma with the latest jobs report (one new job for every mysterious death and unexplained suicide) and the report of booku billions of wasted taxpayer dollars in Iraq while Kim Kardashian’s psoriasis has now reached epidemic proportions (a third pustule was identified on Google Earth early this morning).

I know I should just go to sleep and dream of better times, like Boulder Colorado in the 70s, or Hawaii anytime minus the disco period, but I cant shake the feeling that there is something creepy going on that any ordinary Mayan with a calendar could explain. Too bad we killed them all, enslaved their children and forced them to renounce their silly Gods for our ….equally silly God. You cant even find a Mayan when you need one nowadays. At least our God doesnt play hoops with human heads and we’re civilized enough to not tear live beating hearts out of our enemy’s chest. We sign multiple consent forms and HIPPA notifications first and prefer waterboarding. Anyway. i digress…I’m sick.

Disclaimer: Because I actually do believe in God, and dont want any more bad karma…I hereby henceforth apologize for offending him/her/it in any way that would reflect poorly on my next incarnation. I really need the next one to be a smooth sweet ride with lots of good luck and please please no lactose intolerance….not again.