CaptCliff Update: July 20, 2015

penny saved


CaptainCliff hasn’t written much in the past 6 months. Just as there are predictable shifts and swells in the vast open ocean and changing seasons of the year…. so too are the days of our lives. Actually, wasn’t that best said in the classic television soap opera, “Day of Our Lives”? Growing up in Highland Park, Illinois, I remember Pinkie, my family’s angelic housekeeper watching this daytime drama religiously right up until she passed away from lung cancer. Pinkie left this Earth looking like a beautiful androgynous deity, a transgendered mix of Queen Nefertiti of Egypt and the Dalai Lama. Not an easy thing to watch but a very important event to witness out of love and respect. More difficult still was when my father died while I held his still strong and athletic hands and repeated the Jewish Shema blessing, and when I sat with my ex-wife’s body before her funeral and had one of the best conversations with her that we ever had.  I will never forget these extraordinary life experiences just as I will never forget the birth of my three beautiful children, Ari, Eli and Benjamin.
Life and Death. In this virtual ocean voyage and treasure hunt called ones “lifetime” there are certain times that CaptCliff’s trusty feather quill pen is best stowed away to more fully absorb something truly important, even life changing. It isn’t something I can pre-plan or predict but is just something I feel I need to do instead of building more interesting (but probably unnecessary) rooms, creating found art pieces or writing witty stories about how crazy and precious life on planet Earth is.  On the other hand, I really like doing those other things too….. 🙂

I now have two married sons, two newly-converted Jewish daughter-in-laws, and a faithful rescue dog that wont stop scratching, shedding, and stealing food from the galley of the pirate ship and creativity portal I call home. In general there is a “nervous-content” feeling push-pulling on my heart.  A typical Cliff-ish paradox whittled out of what would seem more like an obvious oxymoron.  I say nervous because if you know me then you know that my mind/body is hopelessly entangled with neurotic fears, narcissistic fantasies, endless inner dialogue and random floating bits of Triscuits, malted milk balls and other carbohydrate and sugar rich flotsam and jetsam. Fiber, I have learned from my sister Leslie is all important. If I could eat the soft pulpy popsicle sticks along with all the popsicles I consume on a daily basis I probably would. As it is, my bedside table and bedroom floor often ends up looking like a game of 52 pick-up-sticks or some kindergarten craft class recreation of the Stupey Log cabin in Highland Park. 
More important, am I the only person who feels like the older they get the less willing one is to bend down and pick up things including dirty clothes and loose change on the ground?  I used to pick up every shiny penny for good luck or just logical necessity since almost every random bill, Starbucks tab or store purchase is $45.91 or $6.32 or $76.01. I swear they must do it on purpose and I end up with a sack of worthless coin in my pants pocket by nightfall. Now, however, I might spot nickels, dimes or even quarters on the floor or a sidewalk and I become suddenly philosophical and unusually circumspect. I pause to consider the “consequences” and long term “implications”. Is it really worth that much physical effort I ask myself? Am I  possibly “nickel and dime-ing” myself right into a more expensive set of chiropractor visits or a higher tax bracket?  More important, will I end up later in life seeing crisp dollar bills on the ground and blithely drive right over them in my Medicare hover chair due to rampant inflation or Wall-e like indifference? Frankly I doubt it since I’m a cheap bastard and in many ways my Jewish Pirate/buried treasure seeking tendencies are a peculiar form of exercise. “Stoop, Squint, Ponder” is my kind of calisthenics and personal training (see my past blog about the value of  “found objects”  below). Let’s just say I’m not a gambler. My last trip to Vegas (years ago) involved meticulously researching the best-bang-for-the-buck buffets and combing the casino floors for errant silver dollars and unclaimed poker chips.  Anyway, I thought I would provide a more serious and introspective update to my CaptCliff blog archive… especially since both of my loyal readers wondered what I was up to lately.

Finally, I must thank any and all friends and family, Facebook-wise or human beings actually inhabiting the same plane and physical dimension who (either) attended my son Benjamin’s wedding in Atlanta or now just have to put up with all the photos on social media sites, ie. “Oh God, not another shot of Ben and Megan cutting their wedding cake, looking cute together, frolicking in Tuscany on their honeymoon or getting pick-pocketed in Florence” (actually that was me and Ben’s mother Rona in 1982). Regardless, this season of joy, while truly joyous will inevitably be followed by future life trials and tribulations (as well as other very wonderful moments to remember) because…well, that’s how life rolls and I do love a good Tootsie Roll along with my sugar-free cherry popsicle. In general… through my ever-present sadness and nostalgia, false bravado, silly self-deprecating humor and raging narcissisism, I am trying to say, “Thank you all for being my friend”.

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Toilet Wars: Stardate 2015

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Lately I’ve been on a “Americans are pussies/These kids today cant fix ‘nuthin/Nobody wants to get their hands dirty/Mike Rowe-ish rant. My kids are frankly sick of it. My Facebook friends would rather me now complain about Obama or Newt Gingrich then go on ad infinitum about home improvement. When I go to Lowes or Home Depot (which is several times a day often for no apparent reason) I have this “strutting peacock” persona that comes over me as I electric slide my way down the various hardware aisles talking “Mr. Fix-it” jive to perky “sales associates” or nobody in particular. “Hey where y’all hiding the stainless European metric lugnuts? Oh yeah aisle 2, I knew that”  or  “Yeah, I’m here so often I bet you thought I was a damn vendor, didn’t you!” or the particularly gratuitous “frustrated contractor” banter, “Man if this rain dont stop I’m gonna have to tell the foreman to cut back the framing crew and push the subs back another week. This storm front is killin’ me!”  To be honest sometimes I am just there to try to return the 8000 things I have impulsively purchased over the last 10 years. If the return desk people dont see through my obvious ploy (ie., “Um, sorry but this Victorian weasel wrench hasn’t been in production since the first World War. We cant take it back, sir. Also, you were here yesterday.”) then the Karmic “Law of Bogus Returns” strikes which states in large capital letters:  IF YOU THINK IT’S FROM HOME DEPOT THEN IT’S FROM LOWES. IF YOU THINK ITS FROM LOWES ITS FROM HOME DEPOT. IF YOU THINK IT’S FROM ACE HARDWARE ITS FROM SEARS. IF YOU THINK ITS FROM SEARS IT IS BUT GOOD LUCK FINDING ONE THAT IS STILL OPEN OR THEIR PRODUCTS WHICH NO LONGER EXIST IN THIS SOLAR SYSTEM.

Anyway, I like to pretend I am Handy Andy with a Ph.D  I also like to think I am a man for all seasons and someone just about anybody can talk to by virtue of my “common man” Abe Lincoln blue collar roots…except that I was raised in Highland Park, Illinois among ridiculous extreme wealth and white privilege so extreme that I thought everyone on Planet Earth had a personal gardener and bi-weekly landscaping service. As far as I know, nobody knew how to fix anything when it broke because when it did you called somebody with a truck and lots of tools.

You probably want me to get to the point. Ok, I will.  Last week I fixed my son Eli’s kitchen faucet and I felt like a frickin’ champ. I considered the small callous I got on my right hand to be a kind of working man “badge of courage”. This week one of my toilets tried to get uppity with me and kept leaking and refilling itself over and over. What could be worse? I’m talking about a bad toilet that actually chose to overconsume water, our most precious natural resource!  AND THEN just like the Honey Badger, this master toilet  “just didnt give a shit”….or “flush a shit” to be more precise. This particular Kohler commode  became so rebellious and obstreperous that it ended up having THREE major issues at once, challenging my Star Trek engineering skills and stretching my “man with tools” self-image to it’s vertical limit. I even started talking out loud in Mr. Scott’s phony Star Trek-meets-Braveheart Scottish accent as I struggled mightily to replace a leaking rubber flapper while water began pouring out of the wall supply valve. Then, to my horror, it started dripping out of one of the dining room recessed ceiling lights a floor below.  “I cant change the Laws of Physics, dammit!, I protested from my yoga-twisted prone fetal position under the errant toilet.  “Aye, the haggis is on fire for sure, I called out to the only other imaginary Enterprise crew member present, Harmony the black Labrador. Finally after an hour of turning wrenches in every direction and pretending to know what I was doing the water stopped leaking. .. sort of a reverse biblical miracle. I also managed to extract the deformed old-as-the-hills flapper valve that not only ended up looking nothing like any red rubber flapper of this century but was an absolute dead ringer for the Starship Enterprise (attached by a tractor beam to a ginormous  space marshmallow ala Ghostbusters).

Dont’ believe me? Just scroll up and take a look at the photo above and next time you’re whining about how to fix something and you wonder if you might need to call some alcoholic tradesperson on Craigslist or speed dial your obnoxious cousin Louis who never stops talking… or text your next door neighbor’s opiate-addicted halfway house residing formerly licensed contractor (who is still on parole for trying to hawk a client’s antique silverware set at a local pawnshop) pause first and take a deep cleansing breath. Then go ahead and call them anyway because this shit is really hard to figure out and there’s a damn good chance the toilet I think i fixed is going to explode tonight…..dayenu!

Atlanta Electric Slide: https://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play?p=youtube+electric+slide&vid=77351a6b11b8bd9aa85c5e5aba1593de&l=4%3A03&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DVN.608014979887794892%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D-mOY2eWO2qw&tit=Marcia+Griffiths+-+Electric+Boogie+%28The+Electric+Slide%29+%28Promo%29+%28HQ%29&c=28&sigr=11b8tmt7k&sigt=124ftarej&sigi=11rbhm783&back=https%3A%2F%2Fsearch.yahoo.com%2Fyhs%2Fsearch%3Fp%3Dyoutube%2Belectric%2Bslide%26ei%3DUTF-8%26hsimp%3Dyhs-001%26hspart%3Dmozilla&sigb=1328shum2&ct=p&age=1273912004&fr2=p%3As%2Cv%3Av&hsimp=yhs-001&hspart=mozilla&tt=b

Hit That Hole Ya’ll:  https://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play?p=youtube+electric+slide&vid=42d89318412f99099d9323462dff17e6&l=2%3A15&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DVN.608046182826183480%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DlSMb6Tnd-q0&tit=L.T+Electric+Slide+*%5BHD%5D*&c=14&sigr=11b3rn036&sigt=10p1jb0mi&sigi=11rhsr18f&back=https%3A%2F%2Fsearch.yahoo.com%2Fyhs%2Fsearch%3Fp%3Dyoutube%2Belectric%2Bslide%26ei%3DUTF-8%26hsimp%3Dyhs-001%26hspart%3Dmozilla&sigb=1328shum2&ct=p&age=1263438211&fr2=p%3As%2Cv%3Av&hsimp=yhs-001&hspart=mozilla&tt=b

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Garfield Goose, Bozo and Me

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The other day it hit me that this coming year, 2015 it will have been 60 years since WGN-TV launched its wildly popular children’s show, Garfield Goose and Friends. As a  Baby Boomer and Clinical Psychologist it doesn’t take my Ph.D. to realize that Simon and Garfunkel were right to describe childhood in their  1968 song Bookends as “a time of innocence, a time of confidences long ago..” My time of innocence took place near Chicago, Illinois in the suburb of Highland Park.  Back then we were taught to believe in magical things like the tooth fairy and Santa Claus (unless you were Jewish) and instructed to trust and respect authority figures including meter maids, librarians and the President of the United States. It’s only much later in life that you realize there’s more going on behind the scene than meets the eye. For example, what appeared to be lighthearted TV entertainment in the late 1950’s -60’s turned out to also be an apropos metaphor for a postwar tug-of-war between opposing forces of various kinds.  This struggle for supremacy expressed itself in an ongoing battle between television sponsors over their best selling products, ie. Ovaltine versus Bosco, Coke versus Pepsi, etc.  After all, the Cold War was still going on and you never knew who might be a KGB spy, a secret agent with a cool shoe phone, or a brainwashed Korean war veteran programmed to liquidate somebody important at the very mention of some obscure phrase like, “Pop the Tang”.
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Fortunately, most of us suburbanized Baby Boomers grew up in a state of perpetual naivete, sitting transfixed and cross-legged in front of a black and white television watching campy Westerns like the Lone Ranger, perky adolescent Mouseketeers with budding breasts, or science fiction movies that regularly outdid William Shatner in overacting, ie. “This is the end of Flash Gordon!! Haha!!”
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Still, we tended to believe what we saw with our own eyes no matter how illogical and unlikely the stretch of the imagination. Case in point: the popular TV shows “Garfield Goose and Friends” and “Bozo’s Circus”. If you happened to grow up in Chicagoland circa 1960-1985, you would definitely remember this endearing and wholly impossible TV program starring a megalomaniac duck(Garfield Goose), a narcoleptic bloodhound (Beauregard Burnside III), and a vaguely asexual human host (Frazier Thomas) dressed in full military uniform. Today he might be diagnosed as delusional or be arrested for posing as a military veteran and end up stripped of his shiny medals and gold shoulder pads like Chuck Connors was in the television show “Branded”.
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Even as a kid in Highland Park, lazily stretched out after school on my parents black leather Eames chair, eating Twinkies and drinking ice cold milk (Sun Valley Dairy), I suspected there was another level of “reality” that was NOT being talked about on the shows “little theater screen”.  I somehow knew there was more to life than I could glean from my favorite cartoons and TV shows like Garfield Goose, Bozo’s Circus, Mighty Mouse, Beanie and Cecil, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Clutch Cargo, and The Magic Hands.
 
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While Frazier Thomas and friends lulled me into a false sense of security, Bozo’s Circus usually triggered my high anxiety. Certainly I reveled in the agony and the ecstasy of those young people brave enough (or fool enough) to actually GO ON THE AIR live with Bozo. At first I felt jealous of them and then later completely mortified and unreasonably angry towards the kids chosen by the “Magic Arrows” to play the Grand Prize Game (GPG). This was especially true for those hapless players who somehow flubbed the first or second toss of the ping pong ball into the Bozo buckets. I remember shrieking at the TV in the same exact manner my father did when his beloved Green Bay Packers dropped an easy pass or fumbled the pigskin.  “Are you kidding me?! All you had to do was let the ball go STRAIGHT DOWN to get a silver dollar!! Your life is ruined…get out of here you bum!!” I guess I perceived myself as the unofficial armchair quarterback or Vince Lombardi of the Grand Prize Game. My exaggerated frustration and anger no doubt masked my own trepidation and fear imagining myself blow the same easy “drop shot” due to over excitement, clammy hands or performance anxiety. If that happened I knew there was  NO WAY I could ever show my face in public school or Sunset Foods ever again. The psychological stakes felt that high to me and the potential self-loathing and never ending taint of failure on my soul even higher.  Regardless, this only served to reinforce the feeling that the larger story of life beyond Bozo’s Big Top was not being revealed to us. Of course, I hadn’t yet been exposed to the darker side of adulthood as portrayed in films like “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” or “Dr. Strangelove”. In time I would find out and Simon and Garfinkel’s sentimental lyrics would slowly begin to sink in right down to the bone.
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 I’m not saying I was ever smart enough as a kid to know about the complicated dualities of human nature. I just never suspected that our handsome and heroic leaders like John F Kennedy might have been popping pain pills, shtupping Marilyn Monroe and turning the White House swimming pool into a Roman bath house when he wasn’t busy saving the world.  I was too busy “ducking and covering” like everybody else at West Ridge School in District 112.  Similarly, I never thought that commercial airplanes would someday fly into the World Trade Towers or that grown men would wear their pants around their butts or ankles.  My trousers only do that now when I am using a public toilet or struggling to get them off before going to bed. Hence, I was protected from “over thinking” or excessive speculation of any kind by Highland Park’s sweet suburban embrace. Case example: Never once did I ever consider that the stop-action cartoon “Hardrock, Coco, and Joe” (see link below) shown around X-mas on Garfield Goose might (as some ancient alien theorists believe…) have been a prescient warning from extraterrestrials about the satanic pleasures of hard drugs like crystal meth, cocaine and heroin quietly waiting to enslave our country’s vulnerable youth in the not so distant future. Maybe I should have…Hard rock?  Like I said, I was still naive and virginal in my critical thinking like everyone else.  All I did know was that there had to be more to life and that Clutch Cargo’s creepy lips seemed oddly effeminate as well as completely out of synch with his manly dialogue.
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When I look back on it, I still question whether it’s right to keep kids from knowing more  or protect them so thoroughly from harsher realities downwind rather than just pulling back the velvet curtain to reveal the all-too-human Wizard of Oz. Now when I watch that famous and fanciful film starring Judy Garland, everyone on screen seems incredibly wide-eyed and hopelessly naive. I know I wouldn’t let my teenage daughter (if I had one) go skipping down some yellow brick road with a bunch of weird looking slackers. It’s as if the entire cast had ingested those poppy plants or spent the whole evening doing jello shots with the Munchkins.  In the “real world” of reality TV even Matt and Amy Roloff (Little People, Big World) are apparently getting divorced after 26 years of marriage. Realistically they will probably end up hating each others smaller-than-normal guts once the lawyers take their final cut. Real life can be pretty damn rough. Bottomline: Aren’t we all somewhat hurt and traumatized by the disappointments of life? Who didn’t suffer upon learning that the Tooth Fairy was really your parents, mere mortals who eventually tired of the mythological ruse and one day having run out of quarters (or dollar bills) confessed so that they could just write a check and go to bed? Maybe that’s what maturity is all about, honestly facing and accepting reality. I just know that part of me, like Peter Pan, never wanted to do it….”grow up” that is.
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Honestly I dont have all the answers. My so called higher education fails me at such times of quietude and sobering reflection. Maybe Simon and Garfunkel were also right to suggest that we just try to cherish the memories captured in those old Instamatic camera photos that are in many ways all that’s tangibly left of our precious childhoods. What I can say for sure is that I miss those glory days eating Twinkies, drinking cold milk out of tall glass dairy bottles, and yelling, “Hot dogs, hamburgers, spaghetti and meatballs!!” in an attempt to wake up a sleeping hound dog exactly where he chose to lie….in a much simpler time and place that I so fondly remember.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MHg1-mpcUY

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CaptCliff’s Post Thanksgiving Moment of Enlightenment

 

In my never ending search for truth and personal enlightenment I have come to realize the slow unfolding nature of wisdom. It is on a daily basis that our human folly is revealed. For example, ever since Thanksgiving my heartburn has been worse than usual. I shouldn’t be surprised given the mass quantities of turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole, noodle kugel, brisket, pumpkin pie and cheesecake that I consumed. Plus, with cousin Donna, the garlic and hot chili oil Dragon Woman visiting from Boca, we had been eating spicy stuff pretty much non-stop. And that’s not counting what we ate at the actual sit-down holiday meal and throughout the following several nights as we regularly circled the granite topped kitchen island like Jewish turkey vultures picking through leftovers in various sized tupperware containers. After she went to bed I would sometimes return to the kitchen like some crazed food zombie needing to feast on another fresh brain. By that time heating anything up or even using human utensils seemed unnecessary.  My main concern was being discovered in my gravy soiled bathrobe ravaging a brie en croute with fruit compote at 3AM. Regardless, my hearburn was worse than usual the next day. What a surprise…. Luckily, I had anticipated such a result and had taken an extra dose of OTC Zantac prophylactically each morning. It may have saved my life.

Here’s where the wisdom part comes in. By today, Sunday, I noticed my heartburn had not subsided which I surmised was due to the fact that nobody remembered to bake or eat the 4 rolls of flaky Pillsbury biscuits we bought on sale at Kroger….so I made them and ate them myself. What other choice did I have? The human ego has many ways to rationalize its gluttonous lower-self nature. I actually caught myself thinking that eating a dozen biscuits wouldn’t be so bad as long as I used the zero calorie “I Cant Believe It’s Not Butter” spray. Of course I eventually abandoned the use of the annoying spray top and commenced to pouring the liquified butter flavored chemical mixture directly onto the crispy oven-baked carbohydrate mass. Even my Black lab, Harmony, a known foodaholic and kleptomaniac looked at me aghast and seemed by her quizzical look and tipped head gesture to say, “You need help, dude.”

Bottomline: When “garbage in” does not equate to “garbage out”, it’s probably time to put on ones detective cap and reassess a situation using the trusty scientific method. About an hour ago I suddenly remembered I had not been wearing my high powered Walgreens reading glasses when I took the Zantac. Donna insisted on buying me the kind that have the built-in mini-halogen headlights. I think I permanently blinded a waiter using this gadget at a Chinese restaurant in an attempt to read the menu earlier in the week. Unfortunately, they were almost 12 feet away when I needed them and who wants to expend that kind of extra energy? Once I retrieved them under the pile of sugar-free popsicle sticks at my bedside I carefully reread the foil pack and discovered I had been taking Loperamide Hydrochloride tablets, a potent ANTI-DIARRHEA medicine and NOT the Zantac 150 heartburn tablets. An understandable mistake given the uncanny similarity of their foil packaging but also about as critical a boo-boo as failing to check the rubber O-rings on the ill-fated Space Shuttle launch. In that disaster the proud and noble space vehicle blew up right after its well-publicized launch.  In my case I may never launch properly again. The idea of blowing up or even out at this juncture would now be perceived as divine intervention and absolute proof of God’s great mercy. If enlightenment does result from a progression of tiny progressive insights that finally lead to releasing ones over-inflated ego, then I anxiously await with feverish anticipation any such release…of any spiritual or material kind really.

constipatedbuddha  Grumpy Constipated Buddha

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Turtle as Spirit Guide/Totem

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edited from various sources:

Turtle Spirit Animal
The turtle totem wisdom teaches us about walking our path in peace and sticking to it with determination and serenity. Slow moving on earth, yet often fast and agile in water, those who have the turtle as totem or spirit animal may, at times, be encouraged to take a break in their busy lives and look around or deep within themselves for more grounded, longer lasting solutions. Traditionally, the turtle is symbolic of the way of peace, whether it’s inviting us to cultivate peace of mind or a peaceful relationship with our fellow man and/or environment.

Turtle Symbolism
The turtle symbolism is characterized by the association with the Earth and earth symbols of groundedness and patience:
• Symbol of the world, of the Earth
• Ability to stay grounded, even in moments of disturbances and chaos
• Slowing down, pacing yourself
• Determination, persistence
• Emotional strength and understanding
• Ancient Wisdom, The turtle is also linked to the spirit of the water and the fluid as well as sometimes turbulent nature of emotions.

In general, the turtle totem symbolizes our peaceful walk on this earth. It represents the path we take as we embark on our journey through life.  In contrast to emotional or spiritual development occurring in bursts, the way of the turtle anchors our personal unfolding in a slower, more grounded series of steps and longer cycles of personal transformation.

The turtle is associated with our physical and embodied evolution on the earthly plane. Call this spirit animal for help to be more grounded over the long haul. You can also get help slowing down and pacing yourself, so you can take your next step with more confidence.

The turtle and ancient wisdom of the Earth
The American continent is referred to as “Turtle Island” in the Native American folklore. It is said that the Turtle carried the weight of the land of that continent on her back. This image is also present in Hindu and Chinese cultures, where the turtle is the animal literally carrying Mother Earth  and holding the world in balance.

Having the turtle as totem means that you have an affinity with the ancient wisdom of the earth. You are naturally tuned into the elements, land, plants, people and animals. You carry your home on your back figuratively speaking and feel at ease wherever you are. Home for you is where the heart is passionately attuned and in keeping with your highest principles. Home improvement and decoration means little to you unless it has deep personal meaning and resonance.

The turtle totem and determination
The wisdom of the turtle totem teaches us about determination and staying strong despite obstacles or distractions. This animal encourages those who have it as totem to listen deeply to their inner guidance and trust their path no matter what.
It is a great helper for those who need to provide a steady effort and persistence. You can call on the wisdom of the turtle when you need help to sustain your efforts and succeed in a long-lasting endeavor or one that is perceived as unpopular or “impossible” by others. By analogy with the biological attributes of this animal characterized by a long life, this spirit animal is also associated with longevity and ultimate success in the long run.
If you have the turtle as spirit animal, you may be inclined to base your decisions on a deliberate process of reviews and considerations. It may sometimes take you longer than others to make your big move or learn to stick with one thing (versus a million others) but when you do, the results tend to be long-lasting and solid.

The turtle and the way of peace
The turtle represents the way of peace – whether it’s external or internal. It is considered as the Peace-Maker in Native American traditions. This animal is also often associated with the feminine principle or feminine energy, which foster peace and harmony with all things. Women with the turtle animal totem are significant peace-makers in a world of strident differences and apparent conflict. Thus, they are human “bridge builders” who look towards finding shared perspectives and common ground, even among warring sides and hostile combatants.

Being inspired by the wisdom of the turtle totem, you can use your spirit animal to slow down when you feel you are getting overwhelmed by a situation or emotions and obtain rest (in a well protected space/shell) to gain a more grounded perspective. This spirit guide can assist you in taking time for yourself to better integrate all the aspects of a given situation or issue.

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Why CaptCliff Makes Peace Pipes

Kabuki Pipe
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The Peace Pipe and the Therapist
I first began making peace pipes as a part-time hobby sometime in the 90’s. Actually I dont quite remember anymore. It’s been so long and memory fades. Initially I was interested in the idea of the Native-American peace pipe, its use in sacred rituals as well as its visual and symbolic representation as a “peace offering”. As a result much of my pipe art has a “tribal” or primitive look. I later began giving away some of my handcrafted pipes as birthday gifts to certain friends and occasionally random other people either as “retro looking” smoking devices or as unique home decor/display items. My friends’ enthusiasm for my art encouraged me to improve upon my coarse 8th grade Edgewood Junior High School woodworking skills and I began to create more elaborate pipes and pipe stands made from colorful “found objects” and sustainable materials including bamboo from my backyard.

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Exactly why I give a certain pipe, pipe stand or sacred container/box to someone is not always clear to me. If I know the person’s favorite animal, spirit animal or animal “totem” then it’s a no-brainer. Other times it’s just part of some unspoken creative or spiritual process that seems to have developed and underlies my pipe fetish/hobby. While often tongue-in-cheek and consistent with my super sarcastic personality I also consider my pipes to be a semi-serious and sacred form of healing art. Therefore the recipients of each pipe are the chosen “holders” of the energy (both male and female) imbued in each pipe and I like to believe they connect me to their new owners in some positive and/or heart-centered way.

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As a creative process (a bit like “free association” in psychotherapy and psychoanalysis) I just let the pipe-making “come” to me as I make them. I listen to what my inner voice (who I sometimes refer to as my “Picasso Pooh” aspect of self) has to say about the pipe I’m working on and the manner in which I choose to “adorn” it. I usually know if it is coming out right by how the process flows and what materials seem to want to be included (versus what falls off much to my frustration and OCD-ish dismay). If I find myself struggling to make something work, it probably isn’t right. Either way I often end up with alot of glue, paint, and bits of fabric on my hands and finger nails by the end of the day….It’s not a good look unless you happen to work at Cirque du Soleil.

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In Kabbalah it says we “give by receiving” and we “receive by giving”. By giving someone something unique, “special” and meaningful I also receive something positive from the pipes “receiver”especially if they choose to think of it in the same kind of way. At the very same time I think of myself as enriching and improving my connection to God…one peace pipe at a time. I believe there are over 400 of them at the last counting. Dont judge me. The deeper meaning or personal significance that each pipe represents is sort of the metaphysical cherry on top. While the act of smoking with my pipes is optional (sort of like nudity at the right designated beach) they can also be used as purely symbolic elements in a personal ceremony or ritual like a wedding, a divorce or a funeral or just as a potent visual representation of something unusually important.

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Spiritually speaking, I believe we are here on Earth in this confusing, conflict-ridden and complicated world not just to survive, amass wealth and compete with one another for survival but rather to explore the “art of living” through increased compassion, greater love, more forgiveness and if possible radical transcendent understanding. Sometimes such lofty objectives are easier said than done. Marriage vows, for example, speak of a lifelong mutual commitment to love, cherish and “be there” for our chosen mate. At times, however, we forget and fail to keep such a sensible and fundamental agreement. My peace pipes are therefore also meant as an everpresent reminder to give and seek forgiveness and to remain present (mindful) and focused on our own goals and individual core values. Just as we are free to choose a profession or life path filled with meaning, inspiration and creativity, we can also choose the kind of art, music, and mythology to use in our personal healing, recovery, and continual growth.

Cliff Mazer, Ph.D.

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CaptCliff on The Ghost and Mrs Muir Woods


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Sometimes ones very best days are also their worst. It may have something to do with that annoying “dialectic” in life that really smart people and Zen Buddhists talk about. You know what I’m talking about. It’s the whole “light and dark”, “good and evil”, “two sides of the coin” opposites attract thing. Here’s a recent example.


Picture me in Paradise on a 10-day vacation, otherwise known as being in San Francisco, California. I’ve already stuffed myself to the brim with the “perfect” sushi meal in Japantown, the perfect dim sum in Chinatown, the perfect butter croissant in Berkeley, and a frothy near perfect Cappuccino in North Beach that by rights should make every Starbucks barista in the world turn in their apron and espresso machine and admit defeat. Thus I am riding a wave of peak number “10” culinary experiences and synchronicity that also included creating impossible-to-get parking spaces near the Ferry Building at the Embarcadero and controlling the weather. The sun is shining and the temperature is 73 degrees unless I chose it otherwise. The success of the San Francisco Giants in the World Series was possibly another small example of a baseball team riding my self-centered tsunami wave of good vibes, good food and “high-end” manifesting of the very best there is in the Bay area. Dont get me started about legal pot in California either as it was easier to score good weed in SF than it was in Colorado where they direct airport buses in Denver right to their ubiquitous medical dispensaries and sophisticated cannabis-based economic infrastructure. In contrast, we walked to Haight-Ashbury and before I could pass the McDonalds on Stanyan Street and Haight Street I was already hooked up by a business-minded hippie named Steve who was not only highly efficient but also didn’t require a picture ID or phony baloney medical card.

Anyway, picture me and the gf sallying forth one day to beautiful Muir Woods in Marin County to commune with nature and the giant Sequoia trees. It’s a perfect day…as usual. We then decided to take a 3-4 mile hike on the “Ocean View” Trail. The idea was to have an amazingly gorgeous yet reasonable little trek through the forest floor and then experience the majesty of the Pacific Ocean trailhead as we emerged triumphant into the sun-drenched eucalyptis-scented hills above Mill Valley. Of course thousands of other out-of-shape tourists do this every single day there so what could possibly go wrong?  Short Answer: My prostate gland.
Here’s what happened in a nutshell:  After 2 miles we both had to pee really bad.  After 3 miles we were both doing that squish-your-legs-together thing. At 3.5 miles I gave into temptation and decided to take a surreptitious whiz off-trail by carefully spacing myself between the Japanese couple behind us and the South American family of five far ahead. The plan involved using my gf as bait and primary “lookout”. My simple instructions to her were as follows: “Fall back to within sight of the Japanese and when I yell “GO” observe their progress and ONLY yell if they are coming around the bend. Keep in mind that my 60+ year old bladder was by this time more swollen and engorged than the Goodyear blimp seen flying over San Francisco’s AT&T Stadium. Fortunately, my pee-plan went flawlessly…until it didn’t and basically blew up just like the Hindenburg.  EXACTLY mid-pee, which every beer drinking man on the planet knows is the legendary “point of no return”, I heard a scream/guttural cry in the distance and immediately knew that meant there were “strangers in our midst” aka Asian tourists approaching near to my “mist”, so to speak. There was nothing I could do but accept the consequences of polyuria-interruptus. At that point I lost complete bladder control and ended up wetting my Docker safari shorts like an incontinent octogenarian or feral Siberian wolf-child. Dont believe me? You think I jest? Just check out the photos above. I know…..ewww.

Epilogue:   When the Japanese couple failed to materialize as expected I yelled back to my girlfriend, “What the hell happened? Where are the Japanese?”
She: “I dont know they sort of disappeared. Maybe they were ghosts.”
Me: “Then why the hell did you scream!?”
She: “Oh, that was a mistake. I just tripped on something while I was cropping a photo on my cellphone”. Riiiiiiight……….
Note to Self:  Come up with better safe words and nuclear pee codes….even in Paradise
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CaptCliff on Thieves of Bagdad Themepark

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Masters of decapitation and Hollywood-style marketing, ISIS, the marauding band of black-clad Jihadists are said to be in high level talks with Disney execs regarding plans to partner in a one-of-a-kind theme park joint venture near Bagdad. Negotiations continue while ISIL troops mass on the outskirts of the Holy city and deploy heavy artillery and mortar fire. The theme park is tentatively to be called “Jaffar: Bad-Ass Thieves of Bagdad”. Sales and marketing teams hired by the highly ambitious terrorist group have conducted numerous surveys and focus groups just prior to burning and beheading dozens of Kurdish militiamen, Syrian clerics and human rights workers.  Social media has also been utilized to identify the features target consumers associate with “Radical Islam”, “religious zealotry”, “ritual slaughter” and “evil incarnate”. So far a general vision for the entertainment facility involves an IMAX theater-sized depiction of ISIS brigades rising out of the desert sand to destroy the three-headed dragon of Capitalism, Zionism, and Obama.

ISIS reps and Disney production staff claim to be “100% committed to a full-scale digital domain and action arena”; one that will serve the comprehensive needs of their radicalized brethren and the many demented European tourists who will predictably romanticize brooding terrorists. Such grand Disney-esque aspirations not only inspire great fear and trembling among it’s imperialistic enemies but also considerable anticipation and excitement in young and impressionable schoolchildren as full-scale mock-ups of hand-to-hand urban fighting, mass killings, live beheadings and regularly scheduled raping and pillaging of secularized women is likely.  While still in the planning stages, a slew of Hollywood actors, agents, directors and social media specialists have already applied for information regarding future job openings. One applicant who wished to remain anonymous commented, “At first I wasn’t used to the core competency application questions like, “Have you ruthlessly and violently killed anyone before?” and “How often have you personally carved the turkey at Thanksgiving?”, but once I got the hang of what they were looking for it wasn’t so bad.”

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How ISIS and Ebola are changing the kind of questions that Americans are asking…..

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Is it true that ISIS and the growing Ebola health crisis are actually changing our routine social discourse with one another? Could our culture be significantly affected in a way that eclipses even 9/11 or Pearl Harbor? I wonder if this one random example from an online forum might help illustrate how fear and uncertainty certainly do influence and impact the kind of choices we make and the places we choose to travel.

Dear OnlineArchitect, I was wondering whether the upper cantilevered deck at Fallingwater could handle the additional weight of a 50 caliber gun mount taking into account additional load factors such as ammunition, gun crew (average weight 170 lbs), and vertical as well as horizontal recoil? I’m also thinking of using two 10 ft long 8″ by 8″ horizontal i-beams sitting on four additional RC columns resting on pad footings. I’ve heard that Frank Lloyd Wright sort of fudged the structural engineering data just to keep the aesthetics in keeping with his architectural vision but the sight of projectile vomiting Ebola zombies and ISIS brigades wading Bear Run creek in my direction makes me think I’m wiser to risk some major cracks in the hydraulic cement by dynamiting the reservoir upstream, jack hammering rifle and RPG ports straight through the stucco walls and blowing them all to Hell. Looking forward to your reply.   Thanks, Pennsylvania Guy

Dear Pennsylvania Guy,  It’s difficult to answer this question without knowing the material density of the reinforced concrete that Mr. Wright used. Some say it is 24kn/m3 but others argue it is only 23.56kn/m3. Either way you are a dead man if the virus goes airborne and/or if ISIS’s sleeper cells in Pittsburgh go active. Blowing up a historical monument designed by a real American hero like Frank Lloyd Wright would be high on their priority list and it wouldn’t take much to breach the waterfall at Bear Run as well as the west Terrace at Fallingwater which is heavily exposed not just to the elements, ie. mold and mildew, but to virus-infected American citizens and crazed Jihadists with tanks and serrated carving knives. I suggest you consult a licensed structural engineer and wire the entire building with C4 plastic explosive just in case. At least take a bunch of the crazy bastards with you!
Best of Luck, OnlineArchitect
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Livin’ in the USA…with Ebola

Some of you may have heard that the first non-isolated case of Ebola virus has been identified in Texas. Maybe you were too busy buying up shares of Alibaba, purposely bending your new iPhone6, or trying to outrun the rash of storms devastating both coastlines. It’s hard to concentrate with the polar ice caps melting and displaced species like wolves and bears wandering through gated communities looking for garbage and small pets to feed on. I know I’ve been distracted by ISIS and all the beheadings taking place in the Mideast and Oklahoma. It’s beginning to look like the backroom wall at Party City and early Halloween in Iraq with all the freakish heads propped on fenceposts and scattered in front of nicely tended public parks and government buildings.

Meanwhile, ISIL, the rag-tag group of homicidal Jihadists are apparently already on the outskirts of Baghdad with future plans to invade London, Paris, Atlanta and Detroit.  They can have Detroit but I really wish they would spare Atlanta and take Augusta instead. The place smells like a perpetual garbage dump and has only two existing weather patterns…driving rain and magma hot/humid. As a doctor of Psychology I feel it is my duty to inform the public, maintain calm, and attempt to preserve order in the midst of all this COMPLETE AND UTTER CHAOS!! Taking in a deep mindful cleansing breath and letting it out slowly I am suggesting at this point in time that we all….Run for our lives!! Save Yourself before it’s too late!! Leave the sick and injured, it’s too late for them!!

Ok, I’m just kidding. Seriously, there is no reason to panic (yet). Both the President and the CDC told us that Ebola is “very unlikely” to show up or spread to the United States and that “careful measures” have been taken to protect the American public.  Of course this is the same President who has a cadre of “dedicated and determined” Secret Service around him who it appears are dedicated and determined to KILL HIM or at least allow any lunatic within a stone (or shoe) throw of the Oval office to gut him like a fish with a rusty pocket knife and/or blow up the First Family by hopping a fence and sprinting like a rabid deer into the White House unmolested. Yes, I realize that today they are reporting another security “incident” at the CDC (of all places) where the Secret Service allowed a “disturbed man” on the elevator with the POTUS who happened to be “acting funny” and carrying a gun. At least it wasn’t a Bowie knife and a vial of Ebola……. Can you say “Grassy knoll”?


Let me end by describing simply what we can all do in the current state of madness and mass paranoia. There is no need to freak out. I’m going to show you how life with Ebola will not substantially change anything. I also have several photo illustrations below that appeal to our basic psychological need to “think positive”,”visualize the future” and “just know” we will be ok. Consider this a kind of subliminal survival slide-show that will helps us all to adjust to the “new normal” that is life with Ebola in 2014.
I actually hate that term “new normal” and wish whoever invented this particular lame-ass meme starts bleeding from every orifice. Ok now,  just relax and look at these color photos being careful to read the accompanying captions.
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The good news: No need for clothing. Everyone will wear Hazmat suits that circulate a mixture of Lysol, ammonia, and Bacitracin mist around your entire body 24/7. CPAP wearers can plug their machines into the extra intake opening. Another plus, evacuate anytime you please.

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Normal routines like cooking and sharing meals in the kitchen remain the same. Of course the refrigerator will need to be retrofitted with bank vault apparatus and Outbreak sterile chambers to prevent fatal contagion. I still recommend LG over Subzero or GE. Blending all meals including steak, ribs, and buttermilk pancakes into a puree mash so that they can slip seamlessly into the suit’s “stoma bag” will be, let’s just say “different” but hey, you can still maintain your “Paleo diet”!

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Shopping for the family is virtually unchanged. American ingenuity allows family traditions like taking college-bound kids to Ikea to go on as always. Here is IKEA’s prototype dormitory bunk bed called “Ebola-kklatu-barata-niktu”. It’s a beauty and the chance of infections (STDs or Ebola) is almost nil.   Good luck trying to put it together.

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Wondering about me? Will I continue to see clients and provide patients with supportive psychotherapy and empathic regard? Of course I will but only after they are fully strapped into this “safety” harness to prevent them from spitting on me or somehow transferring their infectious bodily fluids onto my new berber carpet or white noise machine. To be honest if their eyes start to roll (or go “zombie”) or their ears begin to bleed its going to be a much shorter session than 50 minutes and the last thing they will “remember” from their dream is the barrel of my shotgun pressed against their temple…..

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