Human Error and Why Shit Happens: Part 2

Posted on August 9, 2016 by captaincliff

PompeiiPompeii People

Everest Dead

The Shining

“Shit happens” is a common colloquial expression that many people intuitively understand and can relate to. However, far fewer people go on to inquire, “well, why did that particular shit happen?” Bear with me on this question because I suspect this will not be real easy to explain. To some extent, bad shit like major disasters, catastrophes, and fatal accidents continue to remain shrouded in mystery and myth for many people. Especially in the past (but sometimes even today) God, superstition, rumor and outright confabulation somehow become part and parcel of the disaster narrative and end up confusing the scientific analysis and rational explanations.  In other words, what we think we know is usually not completely true and we often continue to assume its truth/veracity based on ignorance, cognitive rigidity and consensual agreement with other misinformed souls.

For example, I happened to recently watch a documentary about Pompeii on TV and realized for the very first time that the perfectly preserved remains of the townspeople caught in the violent volcanic eruption of Mt. Vesuvius were actually (for the most part) not “bodies” or complete skeletal remains but reinforced casts (like a plaster mold) made by a certain individual in the late 1800s. So much for my childhood fascination with 2000 year old dead Romans buried alive in volcanic ash and frozen in their contorted death agony for all eternity… Somewhat related is the longstanding and relatively common assumption that when REALLY BAD SHIT happens like a biblical flood or giant plague of locusts, etc., it likely involves supernatural causes that are basically inconceivable and unknowable. To “know” or understand such cosmic or divine proportion events is usually reduced to believing what the BIG BOOK (or Pat Robertson) tells us…otherwise we too might get turned into a pillar of salt. While such interpretations of why shit happens often fall under the basket category of, “God did it so dont ask for a repeat performance” they also may inspire a kind of scientific laziness, learned helplessness and general surrender to the “mysteries of the universe”.

 Second, it is a fact that when shit happens it often involves complex reasons and multiple interacting variables that are difficult to assess. Large airplanes are known to disappear off radar screens never to be seen or heard again….right? Nevertheless, human beings very often need and want simple answers in their pursuit of what they erroneously perceive as “closure”. Let’s face it. Hitler alone did not cause (or carry out) the Holocaust. As a result, those desperately in need of answers are sometimes willing to entertain highly unusual or unlikely simplistic explanations… like UFO’s, the Bermuda Triangle, and various other creative or nefarious conspiracy theories.  I call this the “Alien Meets Big Foot Syndrome”. It’s more difficult to acknowledge that many answers to unexplained or catastrophic events are not easily obtained due to the difficulty and expense involved. Identifying reasonable primary determining factors and teasing out spurious or confusing interaction effects, hidden or confounding secondary variables is arduous and challenging at best. The additional presence of changing/dynamic conditions that alter statistical equations, prediction models or forecasts make scientific investigation even more difficult to conduct, calculate and control. That’s one reason why pharmaceutical companies can get away with a lot of their rather weak clinical data “proving” their drugs effectiveness even tho the placebo effect is often almost as good. Things tend to change and replication studies are rare.

Recently, I was able to come to a better personal understanding of this “why shit happens” topic after watching the movie “Everest” on cable television and then reading a journal article about this same event.  Somehow it helped me (both practically and metaphorically) to first view a dramatic recreation of this literal shit storm involving two professional climbing expeditions that met disaster on Mt Everest in May of 1996. Through watching the dramatic story along with the unfolding sequence of related events I was better able to grasp the unique context involved as well as the interplay of multiple determining factors, both human and otherwise. In any catastrophe or major disaster, whether it is the sinking of the Titanic, the Challenger Space Shuttle explosion, or the more recent mass shooting of innocents in a gay nightclub in Orlando there is an unseen “flamenco dance” of contributing factors, mathematical probabilities, dumb luck (or lack of) and Final Destination-like fate/destiny playing out in real time and space. In other words there apparently is such a thing as being in a really bad place at the very wrong time. Such a high stakes poker game, vibrating quantum wave and probabilistic “roll of the dice” (for or against life, death, and survival) is not unlike that which Albert Einstein referred to in his famous (but often totally misinterpreted) quote, “God doesn’t play dice with the universe…” Einstein might have fallen a bit short on the quantum mechanics and spiritual aspects involved in why good and bad things happen but at least he got gravity right. However, messing up with gravity and the need to maintain stability at high altitude/steep descent circumstances can get yourself killed …as was shown on Mt. Everest and more recently demonstrated in the “freak” water slide accident in Kansas City.

The journal article I read (see below) about the Mt. Everest disaster, while somewhat dry and wholly lacking in the aforementioned cinematic suspense, was really the best available scientific analysis of why and how “shit happens” in certain high risk situations. I’ve always been obsessed with survival and “fate” and tried to look at such complex issues from multiple perspectives using various human lenses that include wearing my spiritual and gut intuition glasses as well as my rational and scientific spectacles.Of course it’s important to not get ones viewpoint mixed up.  As an example, my ex-wife Rona’s fateful dream several months before she died from Stage4 lung cancer (the one about a wild cat that approached her and needing to make it to “Gate 30” at the airport on time) represented a prophetic and symbolic story line and one that lent itself better to a personal and/or spiritual rather than scientific interpretation. Still, as dreams go it was pretty amazing….

As stated, “shit happens” in life not just for a single reason but for a host of interrelated reasons and explanatory factors. What we call “good luck” or “bad luck” is often just the compounding of many positive and/or negative factors that people are either previously unaware of, somewhat aware of, or completely blind, deaf, and dumb towards. It’s not just that human beings (unlike computers) cant compute or fathom the multivariate nature of complex mathematical probability models, predictive analytics or practical risk factors. It’s also that computers are lousy at utilizing spiritual or intuitive information and tend to filter out what is perceived to be “extraneous” or superfluous data. God (the Universe) on the other hand is apparently capable of factoring in everything and nothing is seen as total garbage. Our limited human minds and egos, somewhat like computers, also have built-in filtering mechanisms (like psychological defense mechanisms, cognitive schemas, fuzzy logic, self-serving report biases and errors in judgement and attribution). Because we are human beings with strong emotional processing systems (rather than purely objective computer systems based on binary coding) there is a general tendency to “drift” toward non-objective thinking, again often in service to our fundamentally hard-wired emotional needs, fantasies, wishes, etc.  That’s probably at least one aspect that Sigmund Freud got right abut human learning and behavior (clearly NOT counting the whole penis envy/castration complex thing) . 

It’s worth mentioning that it’s probably true that many people live their lives too often in a kind of sub-clinical “flight or fight” mode and somewhat understandably cant seem to stay sufficiently balanced between the need/requirement to initiate change, move, adapt, and take calculated risks with the simultaneous need to stay safe, hunker down, and remain cautious. Essentially we either under or overreact as a result of anxiety and perceived risk (overcorrect) or we fall asleep at the wheel and fail to take adequate precaution, so to speak. On top of all this, as mentioned, the many variables that determine and explain bad accidents and disasters are a moving target of predictable and seemingly unpredictable factors like fast moving ice storms on Mt. Everest or in the case of the kind of “weird news” I report on in my web blog, some totally wacked out crazy person randomly deciding to slit a strangers throat in a grocery store for no apparent reason ( I know, “WTF?”). Talk about bad luck. Either way, such unforeseen events would throw off the careful, all-inclusive multivariate regression and subconscious risk factor analysis going on in our head that is normally programmed towards insuring personal survival. You just dont expect some nut job to kill you while you are testing the avocados for ripeness in the produce aisle.

In the end, more often than not (as amply demonstrated in one of my favorite TV shows “Air Disasters”……(FYI: NOT a great program to watch right before flying somewhere on vacation) it is usually human (pilot) error, mental/emotional factors or excessive stress/fatigue that triggers the subsequent “cascade” of faulty decisions and even mechanical failures that directly lead to bad shit happening like airplane crashes or freezing to death on Mt. Everest. My guess is that Stephen Hawking’s recently publicized  “down grade” of humanity’s probable chance for long term survival as a species is at least partially based on his realistic calculation of human error related global extinction events occurring sometime in the near future like climate change, Trump being elected as POTUS or ISIS getting their fanatical hands on tactical nuclear weapons. Black holes arent the only things in spacetime that contain within their basic structure a certain end point that represents the statistical point of no return or “event horizon” as far as survival is concerned.

Bottomline: “Survival” is an interesting “board game” and something we all “play” on a daily basis whether we realize it or not.  In an earlier web blog I wrote about my near obsession as a small boy playing with plastic army men. I didnt just play “War” in my backyard or basement like I imagine most kids do or did (altho i really liked blowing stuff up and lighting them on fire) but I would set up “fateful” life or death situations and scenarios with blocks, Lincoln logs, etc. I would carefully place all these little plastic warriors in the various structures and then bomb the living shit out of them with heavy objects. That’s right. I was the Angel of Death, Mt. Vesuvius, Godzilla, the Luftwaffe, Gorgo, the Enola Gay Hiroshima bomber, Robert Oppenheimer, Hurricane Inez, Dr. Mengele, and the deadly Passover Plagues all combined.  It sounds morbid, maybe even somewhat disturbed, but I just wanted to see who survived, who didn’t and why.  It certainly wasn’t that I wanted to really kill people or someday become an insurance claims adjuster, corporate risk manager or crash-test scientist or dummy.  I just wanted to see how placement, preparation, dumb luck, happenstance, probability and various other factors interacted to determine survival and continued life rather than death.  Death, I realized even then, was a somewhat unfathomable mystery but survival seemed to be more of a probabilistic enterprise that could be analyzed and understood. Being a big hypochondriac, I should also admit, I even noted and evaluated the little plastic army guys (or Cowboys and Indians or whatever) who were merely “wounded” by virtue of their semi-prone yet still semi-standing positions after my incessant air attacks and ruthless bombing runs. Even as I type this I am watching a military history program on TV about a certain Canadian fighter pilot who for very identifiable reasons became a distinguished flying “ace” in WWII by shooting down over 30 Nazi planes over Malta and surviving it all…only to die a mere three years later in a freak unexplained midair explosion. Apparently in his post-war boredom and brief retirement from military aviation he signed on to help deliver an airplane to Israel during its War of Independence. In my mind such ironic events deserve a formal military salute with an associated rolling of the eyes, shaking of the head and ponderous gaze toward the heavens above while thinking aloud to myself, “Seriously? God, You gotta be fucking kidding me?!!”

pure.au.dk/portal-asb-student/files/…/Lessons_from_Everest.pdf 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

How Bad Shit Happens

Posted on August 9, 2016 by captaincliff

 

Horrible and crazy shit happens so often that we are basically habituated to it. We see it as “normal” or just the way the world is. Often it becomes the current “headline” news for the day whether it is a kid getting decapitated on a water slide in Kansas City, somebody getting hit by a bus in New Orleans, or a 4 year-old finding his parents gun in the family car and accidentally shooting himself to death. Sure we might know the basic “why” or “how” it happened but often fail to look at the bigger picture or explore the “details” in the back story to gain a more comprehensive understanding. Typically this would include how certain critical factors tend to combine in Final Destination-like fashion resulting in horrific incidents and human tragedies. For that reason alone it is important (and instructive) to analyze unfortunate events and historical disasters in detail, not for any prurient or voyeuristic purpose but to train ourselves to think through the pertinent “risk versus reward” variables that are ever present in our daily living and so called “pursuit of happiness”. People like to say that “accidents happen” as if to imply that they are unavoidable, but acting blindly or unaware towards the natural forces and inherent risks that exist (eg., like the choice to smoke cigarettes or drive to work in the rain on worn out tires, etc.) is not only irresponsible but potentially dangerous to self and others.


Example #1:  Let me make an educated guess here.  All of this is conjecture based on early news reports. Recently in Kansas City, a 10 year old boy at a popular amusement park died while riding on an “extreme” water slide. He was sitting in the front seat of a three person raft, probably to get the “full effect” of the highly publicized water-borne ride.  He was small and thin even for his young age (10 y.o.). Barely 100 lbs, if even.  The other two riders were women making the total rider weight or “ballast” close to or under the minimum combined rider raft weight of 400 lbs. (required to be between 400 to 550 lb). As a result of the steep descent angle, high velocity and marginal to insufficient “payload” weight the raft went airborne midway down the slide and in doing so tore open Caleb’s velcro restraint straps sending him and the raft hurtling upwards into the semi-rigid “safety” cage net. As a result of the upward motion and with the heavy raft below him and the cage above him his neck was broken. Basically, Caleb suffered a near or total decapitation injury that severed his spinal cord and probably killed him instantly. His body continued to float down the water slide directly behind the raft carrying the remaining two female passengers who were covered in blood as well as suffering their own facial injuries (probably as a result of being hit by Caleb’s flying body and/or any sudden and unanticipated contact made with the safety cage/net). In essence, the raft they were riding in was not only insufficiently weighted to remain stable but also was disproportionately “back heavy” (due to the two larger adults riding behind him) pitching the raft’s “nose” slightly upwards as it rode unattached on the cascading water (unlike on a roller coaster). This may have contributed to forming increased wind resistance on the underside of the front end of the raft especially when subjected to high speed (50-70 plus mph) and the steep descent angle sending the entire raft  airborne…just like in earlier safety test rides in which sand bags flew off the test raft in a sharp upward direction. In this case, the high strength velcro body straps after multiple previous uses also tend to lose a certain degree of contact adhesion and the “pull apart” tension strength required to make them release/give way (especially under rapid acceleration or high G force) is less than optimal. For that reason traditional buckle devices and seatbelt apparatus are used on high speed roller coasters.  A previous rider on the water slide even mentioned that his velcro seatbelt straps had given way by the end of the ride earlier in the day. Bottomline: Yes it was a horrible accident….but it will turn out to be explainable and avoidable.

Update: November 23, 2016 :   KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) — A 168-foot-tall Kansas waterslide on which a state lawmaker’s 10-year-old son was killed last summer will be demolished once the unfolding investigation of the tragedy is finished, the water park’s operators said Tuesday.


Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

It Truly is a Mad Mad Mad World

Posted on June 16, 2016 by captaincliff

Christopher Walkenanaconda image.gif 


The world is unusually nuts right now. I realize I’m not saying anything people dont already know or haven’t thought about already. It’s just something that I feel compelled to say “out loud” or I might go even more bonkers than I already am. Can I get a witness??   .

In fact, the world feels to be in such an advanced state of cultural decay and instability that I fear it will either crumble at any moment or, even worse, we’ll get used to it and come to see this sad state of affairs as normal.  It’s not. It’s more like chaos theory (a la Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park) run rampant. In practically every important sphere of human life, ie. politics, economics, climate change, terrorism, education, medicine, mental health, technology, and pop culture there are signs and signals that what is now accepted as status quo is really antithetical to real health and human survival.

Sure I’m a big hypochondriac who sometimes thinks of himself as the Jewish Pirate/Paul Revere of the coming apocalypse but I’m typically NOT the first person to “cry wolf” or run around screaming that the sky is falling. However, I now find myself seriously contemplating the odds that what’s going on is more likely to bring about the demise of the human race than just preserve our questionable standing as the most intelligent and highly evolved species in the solar system. Even Stephen Hawking has put down his slide ruler long enough to announce that he’s not betting big on mankind (see below). Don’t get me wrong, I  also care about the planet’s overall health and survival but at this juncture I’m more concerned that we’re going to wipe ourselves out through poor “executive decision-making” while Planet Earth (as George Carlin once said) will just “shake us off like a bad case of fleas”.

.
Meanwhile, crazy people are competing with one another for the dubious title of “Biggest Mass Murderer of 2016”, bees are either dying off in droves or becoming freakishly aggressive, and alligators are feeding on children at Disney World. Notice I’m not even mentioning the plague of mutant Zika mosquitoes heading our way. Of course we’re about as prepared for that as we were for the AIDS crisis in the 1980’s which basically means that mosquito “abstinence” is going to be our dubious first line of defense. 
.
It’s truly a mad mad world and I’m increasingly uncertain of our place in it. That being said,  I’m particularly concerned that we may be losing (or failing to maintain) essential evolutionary traits that make us human (as well as humane) such as empathy and altruism. Such qualities are common to even hypersexual Bonobo Chimpanzees and human beings with opposing thumbs capable of grasping a moral compass.  However, I fear we no longer know how to make love not war and may prefer (like in pre-war Nazi Germany) to place our trust in a strange new breed of political leaders who are not just your everyday snake oil salesmen and circus hucksters. These latest Alpha Male reptilian types remind me of the highly invasive Burmese Pythons proliferating in the Florida Everglades. They are the insatiable giant snakes who’ve already consumed all of their close competitors and now pose a threat to entire wildlife populations and protected habitats. Similarly, Donald Trump has dispatched his GOP competitors and now appears to have shed his skin and past persona as an unabashed ladies man and enterprising real estate mogul to reveal a fully molted Marvel Comics type version of “Snake Man”. This cartoonish super-villain apparently lacks a beating human heart, speaks with a razor sharp forked tongue and enjoys playing high stakes “Moneyball meets Dr. Strangelove” mind games with little things like presidential politics and foreign policy. Somebody needs to tell him that this is not just a warm-up round of Musical Chairs, Monopoly, or Risk and that certain actions can lead to serious global consequences, including ones that cant just be taken back or done over like some pimply teenager’s ultra violent GTA video game.
.
Bottomline: Sometimes when I’m alone late at night I like to read research articles online, watch the television news, and then perform a kind of magic trick (or possibly just an OCD ritual) in which I raise my TV remote, push a button and pretend that I can make all human folly and hubris (including my own) go away. The good news is I know I’m just fooling myself and just playing a game. Nonsense speak is the cultural norm today and unabashed craziness is the current reality. Fortunately, CaptCliff is not that nuts. The bad news is I fear someday soon one of these slimy Snake people will believe they really can “roll dice with the universe”, much to the chagrin of Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein. Even worse, Snake Man’s big head, poofy hair and insatiable appetite for power might get in the way of much needed human compassion, common sense, cooperation, and critical thinking. As far as I’m concerned, our survival depends upon us maintaining such inspired human qualities that also help us to know our place on the planet. We certainly can’t depend on dumb luck or divine intercession at this point because in the Mad Mad World we live in it’s quite possible God/Yahweh may have already thrown up his hands and lost interest in reprising his authoritative biblical role involving instructing and straightening out Adam, Eve, or the twisted Smarmy Serpent Donald Trump.
.
Dr. Strangelove snippet:  “You’re talking about Mass Murder General!”

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Space Fart From Hell

Posted on January 30, 2016 by captaincliff

 



space fart

The popular saying,”What goes around comes around” apparently also applies to God. Scientifically speaking you cant just decide on a whim to “Let there be light” and not pay some kind of astronomical consequence. Science matters and space matter is subject to the exact same Laws of Thermodynamics that the rest of us are. Let me explain based on something I just read on the all-perfect internet. Bottomline: We’re all gonna die. There is no use fooling ourselves any longer. We’re doomed. In fact, it’s useless to wake up every morning all perky and in denial and drive off to work pretending to be invincible. Why? Because you can recover from a serious heart attack. You can dodge a speeding automobile driven by some intoxicated meth addict with one broken tooth. You can even overcome the odds and survive a hoard of venomous reptiles, spiders and man-eating sharks while on vacation in Australia. But, none of us will make it past the ginormous space fart heading our way at 700,000 miles an hour. I’m not making this up. This is it. We are done for. We’re toast.

In typical Armageddon, 2012, Day After Tomorrow screenplay fashion some geeky scientist has spotted a monstrous fire and brimstone hydrogen and sulfur cloud of death using data gleaned from the Hubble Telescope over a decade ago. Dubbed the “Smith Cloud”, this Jodie Foster wannabe apparently didn’t publicize her findings due to not wanting to “alarm” us all …or maybe because she didn’t want her Apple shares and Home Depot stock to plummet. That’s right. Masking tape, window coverings, and a couple sheets of fire-resistant wonder board aint gonna stop this death star debris from incinerating us well before we can make it to our survival bunkers to “duck and cover”. Nor is there a good phone app available to Millennials for surviving something so enormous and catastrophic that it could consume their favorite DragonCon/Marvel super-heroes without even trying. It’s basically game over. Maybe the best thing to do is just relax and mindfully ponder our transitory existence. Perhaps we should reflect on what we as a highly  intelligent sentient species have learned over our 2 million years of non-stop evolution. That’s exactly what I tried to do this morning by watching dozens of viral videos on You Tube. It’s now clear to me (after that visual exercise)  that we have learned very little except how cute kittens can be and how vile, vacuous, and annoying most teenagers are. To be fair, there are also hordes of vile and vacuous jumbo-sized adults lumbering around in Walmart stores sporting spiky mullets, inane t-shirts, and bare midriffs with doughy muffin-tops …especially in Florida and Ohio. Someone someday needs to explain THAT  extraordinary geographic phenomena to me. Anyway, we can still take solace in small favors, like the fact that if we all die a horrible and painful death due to a chemical poison cloud from Hell, so will Casey Anthony, OJ Simpson, Jodi Arias, and now that I think of it, Ted Cruz.  In the case of the first three people, their high priced lawyers wont get them out of this well-deserved death penalty and final destination-like date with destiny. That does feel somewhat better and I don’t give a hoot how many concussions OJ sustained playing football or snorting coke behind bars. He still killed people and watched them bleed out while wearing very expensive Bruno Magli dress shoes. Unforgivable. Finally, while I realize that this devil fart/ Smith cloud thing is not actually due to boomerang back to Earth for another 30 million years  1) you never know if it might decide to act like a drunk teenager on bath salts and push the pedal to the metal thus getting here much sooner and 2) the mere idea of death by cosmic stink bomb is enough to make many people go insane well before it’s knocking on their door and not giving a flying crap if we put a big X in blood on the doorpost out front as if to say, “Hey umm… remember Passover?  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/smith-cloud-images-space_us_56ab7f0be4b0010e80e9b513

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Happy 2016: I Didn’t Realize I Was an Acquired Taste

Posted on January 11, 2016 by captaincliff

bear chicken meme

hairy back

Dedicated to my friends who love me…no matter what

Let’s face it. I’m no David Bowie. He was a true artist (and cultural icon) in every sense of the word. In contrast, my blogs, random musings, “peace pipes”and writing represent the collected “body of work” of a singular 62 year old Jewish psychologist with GERD, hair loss and bad gas. My web posts are often so self-directed as to leave uninitiated readers lost in translation. I write about obscure topics and Adderall fueled notions that result in just about everyone except my family and those I went to school with scratching their heads. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that many of them dont know what the fuck I’m talking about or where the oft promised “sardonic humor” was hiding ….in plain sight.

Here’s the thing: we all live our lives in ways that seem rather vivid, dramatic, and worthy of a “Lord of the Rings” feature film (including prequels and sequels). In reality, like every dog, donkey and department store assistant manager we manage to scratch out an existence that has some exhilarating highs and painful lows but remains legendary solely unto ourselves. Not exactly a narcissist’s dream come true but more a heaping-sized serving of humble pie ala mode. Believe it or not it wasn’t until recently that I realized that I, Cliff Mazer, aka, Captain Cliff am more of an “acquired taste” (both as a human being and writer-artist-provocateur) rather than some sought after viral sensation or cultural delicacy…. unless you happen to be a hungry grizzly bear with a yen for psychological yiddishe kopf. Regardless, like Tim Treadwell the bipolar bear enthusiast,  I probably just taste like chicken (see photo above).

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not implying that realizing such a simple truth is a bad thing especially at my age when ones testicles begin to sag in the general direction of ones aching knees. It probably also says something that my favorite Hanukkah gift this year was an self-articulating  electric back shaver. In fact, there is a valuable lesson learned in coming to terms with the limited frame of reference that borders ones existing self-portrait , ie., (personal identity) and self-concept (how much you like yourself). When we’re young we tend to dream big, live “large” and “act-react-do” (even if later it’s seen as crazy or reckless). Don’t ask me about the heavenly pasture of magic mushrooms in Palenque, Mexico and the jungle “Garden of Eden” I discovered at age 20 just before realizing that my entire body was covered in ginormous “African Queen” leeches and blood sucking ticks feeding on my flesh and blood. The world back then, the so called “olden days” of our youth was a blank canvas and our only “job” was to fill that space with magnificent experiences using broad strokes and a full palette of living colors. Everything was”far out”or “groovy” just like now it’s totally “awesome”. It’s only later in life that we learn to slow down, pause, reconsider, think through, reflect and consciously ponder. In my business they call it “introspection”.  With time, experience, and maturity we are eventually inspired to sculpt, paint, write or act out the story of our lives with far more insight, texture and possibly even greater subtlety. We also grow to understand and appreciate different vocabulary words or phrases such as “nuance”,”perspective”as well as “ointment”, “dietary restriction”, and “bowel softener”.

I know you cant get the average teenager to believe this but the personal saga that is a single lifespan on Earth is enriched by our abject failures as well as our greatest achievements.  Furthermore, times of robust physical and mental health are better appreciated if one has also experienced a chronic illness or had previous bouts of deep depression.  Like the Velveteen Rabbit’s fur, the human ego is stripped away over time by arthritis, psoriasis, gastritis, and phlebitis along with painful life experiences and disappointments involving shattered dreams, bursting seams, or misplaced trust in a neighbor’s Ponzi scheme. According to Margery Williams even those things dont really matter in the end as long as one becomes “real” (authentic) as a result of having been loved.  Now that I think of it I’ve been rather obsessed with the whole idea of becoming “real” ever since I first watched the Disney movie Pinocchio when I was a little kid. Pleasure Island sounded great but I was petrified by the very thought of getting turned into a braying donkey.

Bottomline: Once you realize your head is as bald as the tires on your 2001 Lexus (the “good car”) and your memoirs have a 99% chance of being self-published, there is a unique opportunity presented to all of us in regards to the time we have left. I’m not just talking about a trip to Ibiza, social security checks or the senior discount at IHOP, (altho I’ve used the latter multiple times).  We can work on working less, putting our ego-driven desires aside and spending more time enjoying those whom we love and those who truly love us. We can choose to recognize all the various forms of beauty and artistry that exists that we might have missed when we were so busy climbing corporate ladders and attempting to “prove” ourselves. We can resolve to care less about the cat hair and dog poop and pee-pee on the carpet when ones son or daughter visits or “desperately” needs a pet sitter for several days (that later feels like a decade). We can ease ourselves into a more realistic looking self portrait that looks less like a slick ad for the Men’s Club circa 1985 and more like Nikita Khrushchev after taking his third or fourth vodka shot and gravity bong. In my case I don’t necessarily believe I need to completely hang up my CaptCliff pirate pen or fold up my creativity pup tent. I just need to feel grateful for what I still have to give rather than dwell on all the things that have been lost on the long perilous ocean voyage. My sometime muse and Aussie friend Deb sent me this creative/inspirational video as one example.  Figure and ground. Ground and figure. Body of work indeed!

https://au.tv.yahoo.com/sunrise/video/watch/30527517/back-hair-turned-into-art/#page1

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

God and His Therapist

Posted on November 18, 2015 by captaincliff

 


Psychiatrist with a patient who is hiding under the couch.

Psychiatrist with a patient who is hiding under the couch.

God is talking to his therapist. He says, “Sometimes I get so frustrated with my human children. They just dont get it!  I have told them over and over that if they want to survive and get along with each other then use the big brain I gave them! If I didn’t want human beings to have such a splendid brain that was made to evolve and grow and think and solve complex problems then I would have just made them cows or reptiles. Instead they focus on their ab muscles, collect Facebook likes, take selfies and argue about everything including me. They constantly fight and bicker among themselves and think they are each better than the other! What do you think I should do doctor?”  God’s therapist looks up from his notepad and says, “Just ignore them. They have to figure this out for themselves if they are ever to really grow up,”  God with a pained expression answers back, “I try to but I get so worried about them. What if they go crazy and kill themselves off?”  After a long pause the therapist says in a thick Yiddish accent, “A righteous man falls down seven times and gets up. They are learning to stand up on their own two feet. Some things you cant do for them. It’s just taking them a good bit longer than you might have expected. Gamzu l’tova . This too is for the good… because out of these missteps they will learn to step forward with care and remember that life is a great and precious balancing act.” God listened intently, nodded, and said, “That’s a good one. Did I say that?”  Knowing the session was over the therapist rose from his chair, looked God in the eye, smiled and said, “No, actually Dr. Seuss said it. See you next week.”

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Clit Wit

Posted on October 24, 2015 by captaincliff

 

clitwit1CaptCliff the lunatic pirate and Dr. Cliff the semi-respectable sex therapist came across this over sensationalized magazine article about the clitoris which led me to have to share it with readers and then make a few professional corrections and personal observations below:

The clitoris is the female sex organ that has one purpose and one purpose only… PLEASURE!

tamano_pene_clitoris

Yet it’s the most overlooked female body part!

Did you know that 29% of college women are unable to locate the clitoris on an anatomy diagram?
Could you imagine college students being unable to locate the penis on an anatomy diagram?  That’s unheard of…
70-80% of women reach orgasm via clitoral stimulation alone, so without this pleasure-giving organ, women be SOL when it comes to orgasms.
Here’s 7 interesting facts that you may have not known about the organ that makes women’s eyes roll into the back of their head:

  1. The clitoris is really a penis!

    The clitoris comes from the same embryonic tissue as a penis.  During the development phase (approximately 12 weeks), the genitalia decide whether or not they’re going to become a penis or labia based on the chromosomes it was dealt.  It’s components are similar to a penis as well… it has a glans, a foreskin (aka the hood), erectile tissue, and a tiny shaft.

  2. Only 1/4 of the clitoris is visible!

    Clitoris_anatomy_labeled-enThe clitoris is much bigger than you think!  Did you know the clitoris extends up to 5 inches inside the body and down the labia?  (The longest clitoris measured was 12 inches long in total! Wowza!)
    The legs of the clitoris extend back and down into the body and is shaped like a wishbone.  There are many erogenous areas along the clitoral legs that can be extremely erotic for women.  Most people focus all of their attention on the clitoral head, and skip over the clitoral shaft, the urethral sponge, vestibular bulbs, glands, and the legs.

  3. It gets an erection!

    The clitoris has erectile tissue just like a penis.  During arousal, it swells and grows in size due to blood flowing into the tissues.  As it swells, it gets exposed to even more nerve endings making it even more sensitive.  The amount of growth varies from woman to woman.

  4. It’s the most sensitive body part!

    The clitoris contains 8,000 nerve endings, nearly double that of the penis, and it can affect up to 15,000 other surrounding nerve endings giving women nearly 4x the amount of sensory receptors as men.  Yet way more women struggle with the ability to reach orgasm than men do… hmmm?

  5. If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it!

    If the clitoris goes unused, it will retreat into the body and the hood will fuse closed, known as clitoral atrophy.  Just like every other tissue in the body, the clitoris requires blood flow to stay happy and healthy.  So whatever you do – give your clitoris some love at least a few times a week.

  6. It grows!

    Hormonal changes lead to the clitoris growing over the course of a woman’s life.  The onset of puberty initiates the clitoris to increase in size.  At the end of puberty, it is about 1.8x larger.  By the time a woman is 32 years olds, the clitoris will be 4x as big as it was at the onset of puberty.  After menopause, the clitoris will grow to be 7x bigger than it was at birth.  But don’t worry, this growth is barely noticeable.
    However, women who have taken anabolic steroids actually grow their clitorises to look like mini penises.

  7. It NEVER ages!

    That’s right – your clitoris NEVER ages, despite how much wear and tear it has.  Once it reaches its maturity level, it maintains its pleasure capacity.  Which means that you’ll be able to have the same mind-blowing orgasms at 90 years old as you did as a teenager.

CaptCliff Sex Therapy Commentary:

Hmmm….. where do I start?  Hey, I agree. It’s good to teach people more about the clitoris. However, it’s also pretty important to make sure readers dont come away with even more misinformation and distorted expectations given the widespread ignorance that exists about sexual anatomy.  To wit about clits, some clarifications:

1) Do NOT be alarmed by the article’s unusual drawings, diagrams and shock jock  information. The clitoris is NOT a separate or independent plant, animal, or alien species. Nor is it a small Velociraptor or “walking penis” waiting to rear up it’s bobble head, reach full maturity and then jump off a woman’s body in search of carnal/carnivorous pleasure elsewhere. In fact, as far as we know the clitoris is flightless and non-ambulatory. Therefore, dont even think about going shopping for teeny-tiny shoes to fit the slender clitoral “legs” or feet the author mentions more then once. That was just weird.

2) Do NOT feel bad (like guys do) that you dont have a Guinness World Record 12-inch-long clitoris. The author, perhaps unwittingly (literally)  makes it sound like the bigger the better. A 12 inch clit would not only be unwieldy and difficult to incorporate into ones fashion wardrobe but likely to inspire unnecessary questions on hot dates such as, “OMG, what the fucking hell is that!!??” 

3) The clitoris is NOT a “chia pet” that magically swells up into the exact shape of a mini-dachshund or small but precise ornamental X-mas tree. The “variance” in clitoral growth during arousal from woman to woman is not so important to sexual functioning that it suggests even the need to measure your sex organ with a ruler or worry about it in the least.  However, I’m sure there are plenty men or female lovers who wouldn’t mind measuring it for you….over and over.

4) It’s absolutely true that there are a hell of a lot of sensitive nerve endings down there. It’s physiologically quite complicated and involves more cross-wiring and multi-sensory receptors than your typical Comcast jury-rigged set-up at home. Unfortunately, just like Comcast, the guys that come to your house typically misrepresent themselves as “experts”, are often unreliable, and dont know SHIT about what they’re doing in your “crawlspace.”

5) OMG! The clitoris is NOT a land tortoise. The head of the clit is not going to “retract” into it’s shell until springtime or hide out in your lower abdomen like a bad hernia. Sure, feel free to touch yourself whenever you want, but dont worry about having to water it, bring it flowers, or play it love songs so it wont get pissed off and go away for good.

6) Again with the growth stuff?! Who wrote this article? They are making it sound like the average clitoris is anatomically closely related to Godzilla’s Johnson and that women athletes who take steroids sport ginormous dongs under their sweatpants. Everybody calm down. Well, ok, maybe one or two East German Olympians do……..

7) Thank God! Finally something positive or that isn’t so easy to completely misinterpret. Even tho the author makes it seem like the clitoris is remarkably similar to a Goodyear tire, ie. wear and tear factor, fill capacity, recommended PSI level, etc., it is true that they can and should last a lifetime. In fact, if you happen to make it to 80 or 90 years old as mentioned, your clitoris will probably end up being your best looking physical feature. More important, at least to the average owner/end user, is the fact that the clitoris can “really take a lickin’ and still keep a tickin’.” Of course the same can be said of the male member as I know for a fact many guys intend to use that good-old-boy until the wheels literally fall off.       

Cliff Mazer, Ph.D., aka CaptCliff

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

How PTSD Really Works

Posted on October 19, 2015 by captaincliff

PTSD

I admit to being obsessed with the subject of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Post-traumatic illness could teach us a lot about how humans function and cope or dysfunction and become essentially demoralized under extraordinary stress. From the biopsychosocial perspective PTSD may very well help us to understand what happens to our brains when “critical mass” is reached and our tolerance for trauma is exceeded. Furthermore, PTSD may be a psychiatric harbinger of the toll that trauma and excessive stress is taking on society and how certain vulnerable individuals, much like childhood survivors of physical and sexual abuse, can end up becoming both self-perpetuating victims and perpetrators.

While we are right to be concerned about the economic cost associated with running a large first world country and waging various wars (on drugs, on terrorism, ISIS, etc.) shouldn’t we be equally concerned with the psychological and physical costs and consequences resulting from what government officials euphemistically call unavoidable “collateral damage”? Such military speak doesn’t begin to do justice to the actual reality of those thousands of civilians killed and wounded, families displaced from their homes and ancestral homelands, and the mounting number of returning soldiers with severe physical injuries and PTSD. Sure there is a lot of lip service paid to helping and supporting our courageous “wounded warriors” but all the parades, handshakes, brain scans, robotic arms and Starship Trooper prosthetics in the world will not adequately repair the damaged psyches of combat veterans with deep psychological wounds and moral injuries at the soul level.

What we know about trauma and PTSD is still far exceeded by uncertainty about how best to treat them. What we know is this:  individuals can fall into a prolonged state of anxiety, depression, pessimism and despair after having exposure to experiences perceived to be either life threatening or serious enough to shatter their belief that the world is safe and sensible (sense of meaning and coherence). Put another way, certain people whether on the battlefield in Iraq, following a nasty prolonged divorce/custody battle, or a particularly horrific automobile accident can lose their fundamental sense of security and their belief that their daily existence is not one of continual threat and that their current situation in life lacks sufficient hope, purpose, positive meaning, and what researchers now call “narrative coherence.” Consider an insecure deeply depressed or suicidal teen who has not only failed to reach sexual, physical or psychological maturity but also views their own life as hopeless and therefore represents a failed “life story” with no redeeming value. Sometimes psychological trauma can result from an acute catastrophic incident, but more often it is an accumulation of these types of “self” shattering experiences that have reached their tipping point.

In addition, such an extreme breakdown of perceived safety, integrated sensorium and personal sensibility is accompanied by the  inability to “work through”  (ie., mentally and emotionally process) the traumatic event(s) necessary for long term adaptation and recovery. PTSD sufferers are essentially stuck in a mental movie theater randomly replaying the horrific memories, stress arousing stimuli and sensory triggers associated with their initial trauma.

On a neurobiological (brain) level there is growing evidence of a persistent dysregulation in the HPA Axis stress response. Instead of returning to a baseline level of physiologic arousal, PTSD leaves the body-mind in a tense state of hypervigilance and hypofunctioning. To be stuck in a physical and emotional state of “fight or flight” is essentially hell on earth and somewhat similar to what it feels like to be having panic attacks and extreme anxiety 24/7. Unlike previous models explaining the normative stages of grief, loss, and recovery, ie. Kubler-Ross, etc., those with PTSD are often unable to reconcile conflicting thoughts and feelings about their traumatic experience(s)and have not managed to achieve a final state of understanding and acceptance.

Life-threatening and/or life-altering events of this magnitude may also lead to a co-existing moral or spiritual injury. This may include a loss of “faith” or abandonment of ones former instrumental values and spiritual principles such as a belief in God, karma,  justice or a higher power. Again, the injury to the mind-body is accompanied by trauma-induced changes in self/identity-supporting beliefs about life, death, and oneself. Such core values and beliefs have either been proven wrong by the trauma experience or challenged over time to the point of one no longer trusting life to be comprehensible, manageable, or meaningful. Issues related to anger, trust, shame, forgiveness, intimacy, love and sexuality are often negatively impacted. Extreme negative thinking, an external locus of control and pessimistic or fatalistic thoughts can lead to the formation of an overly “negative mind” or a kind of “confirmed negative condition” in which subsequent life events and experiences are either misconstrued as highly negative or perceived as too aversive and therefore avoided at all cost.

Complex PTSD involves repeated trauma, neglect and abuse (physical, mental,emotional, or sexual) often beginning in childhood. Both PTSD and Complex PTSD are sometimes further reinforced by feelings of self-blame and shame associated with their trauma. Concomitant social alienation, sense of betrayal or abandonment by primary caregivers, life partners, authority figures, friends and professional services, ie., parents/family, the VA, the government, etc. add to the severity of PTSD and it’s duration by increasing the loss of needed external support and decreasing the internal dimensions of adaptive coping and coherence needed for recovery. It’s obvious to me that a treatment approach relying purely on pharmacological intervention in the form of over prescribed barbituates, sleeping pills, opiates, and sedating benzodiazapines, etc. are doing these brave PTSD survivors and war veterans a tremendous disservice and more likely just adding to the trauma they feel by furthering their personal sense of physical and mental dissociation and dis-integration. Trapped in such a horrific state of fragmentation, those with PTSD often are left expressing  a single common sentiment, “You just dont understand!” They’re absolutely right. We don’t and we need to do much better.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dumb as a Doorknob Culture

Posted on September 9, 2015 by captaincliff
dumbface

.
From the Urban Dictionary: A Yutz is an individual that is dumb beyond comprehension. One who displays, or regularly exhibits idiotic behavior. Someone who makes a habit of missing the point. The opposite of what others  call an intelligent person.

 Part One: Living in a Confederacy of Dunces and a Union of Yutzes
.
I’d like to share with you my research on stupidity.  Throughout history people have wondered why there are so many douchebags walking around Planet Earth who otherwise have no obvious disability or explainable mental illness.  Unabashed stupidity would seem to defy evolutionary principles. While it takes a smart person to understand all the factors that contribute to making somebody as dumb as a door knob, I believe it is possible to identify the social and cultural variables that correlate with supreme idiocy. I’ve tried to limit my theory to the main determinants that apply to the average American moron wandering our city streets, strumming a banjo while mouthing racial slurs in Alabama or clogging the internet with ignorant and ill-informed personal opinions. Hopefully, this would also help to explain the growing plague of stupid videos online, the empty-headed dialogue on popular TV programs and the impossibly dumb Twitter feeds and commentary that somehow passes for reasonable human communication today.

.

I believe that rampant stupidity boils down to three basic root causes: 1) a lack of healthy intellectual curiosity, especially about anything that is not reducible to a cell phone app or video game  2) a growing trend towards idiot worship in an existing culture of dumb (so dumb that most people don’t even know to be embarrassed about their mullets, missing teeth or obscene muffin tops) and 3) an insufficient appreciation for the many unique benefits of learning to read, getting an education beyond the 8th grade or human intelligence in general, including such things as the survival of our species.  I realize this may sound somewhat over dramatic, as if stupidity is more dangerous than global warming, mental patients and drug addicts with automatic weapons, or flesh eating bacteria. However, a lifelong lack of interest in anything except sticky buds, Grand Theft Auto, kitty videos and “knock-out game” vines on WorldStar is unlikely to produce someone with superior intelligence or critical thinking skills.  Nor is it likely to result in a person psychologically prepared to survive in an increasingly complex and rapidly changing world.

.

Thus, the typical idiot, as defined above, is not what most social workers would call a “good environmental fit” in either a highly technological future or a post-apocalyptic landscape littered with disfigured mutants and hungry zombies. On the other hand, if zombies need a constant supply of blood-rich brains to feed upon for their undead sustenance, they will probably quickly starve and die off (again). At least zombies and cannibalistic mutants appear (from a review of the many incredibly stupid movies on the subject) to be smart enough to consume the more nutritious/vitamin-rich parts of the body such as the heart, liver, and brain. Meanwhile we are busy eating gluten-free Cheerios, Twizzlers and pounding  jello and Jagermeister shots. While single-cell amoebas are learning how to invade our bodies and brains and out-wit our immune systems, thousands of young boys and functionally illiterate teenagers are pushing each other off rooftops in shopping carts to see what happens. It doesn’t seem like a very fair fight, does it?  Not to worry because we now have “science-based” cable TV channels like National Geographic and Discovery. Unfortunately, most of their latest programs are about Aztec-extraterrestrial sex orgies (…as Ancient Alien theorists believe), trying to catch a Sasquatch, or proving that Casper the ghost really exists. As a result, we dont seem to recognize ourselves as slowly decaying and dying from dumb in its multiplicity of forms. This includes the many online discussion groups. Does it make any logical sense that on web forums for people who take psychiatric medication the most respect and deference is given to those participants who lists themselves as having the most severe mental illness, take the most medication and/or suffer from complex personality disorders?

A corollary to my stupid theory is that people are more interested in money and fame (or notoriety) today than they are about feeling the healthy dopamine rush of learning something new, mastering a difficult yet important life skill, or helping others and in so doing becoming a much better person.  Studies on empathy and game theory as applied to social relations  show that chimpanzees and their close relatives the bonobos are probably better at getting along and resolving conflict than most human beings. At least bonobos chimps realize that oral sex or a powerful orgasm are quite often effective methods to calm down an enraged clan member or uptight Alpha male. However, I dont see Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, or the rest of the Republican party Presidential candidates utilizing that bit of scientific knowledge, although I admit I’m not privy to what goes on behind closed doors in gaudy penthouses and palaces.  The point is there is a lot of stupidity that seems to be proliferating like wild rabbits in various socioeconomic strata of society and this cultural virus/”moron meme” is supported and condoned by many people. Otherwise there is no reasonable explanation for well known “celebrity idiots” like Snooki , the Real Housewives of Orange County, Mob Wives or ….this uber yutzy chick in the video below.

In Part Two, I will attempt to flesh out, so to speak, my unified “Theory of Dumb”, hopefully before the zombies, flesh-eating bacteria, and extraterrestrial lizard men consume us. If anyone happens to know what the f$#k this young lady below is saying or even trying to communicate in English-ish, please let me know because,  I’m curious about everything, even rampant stupidity.

Ok, I know it’s satire, but there are people who are writing in to agree with her…which is even scarier:

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Women!! What’s Wrong With Them Anyway??

Posted on August 31, 2015 by captaincliff

 woman hits man

 


Women! What’s Wrong With Them Anyway??

by Cliff Mazer, Ph.D.
 
“The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer myself, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ‘What does a woman want?”

In addition to the above often repeated quote, Freud also referred to women as the “dark continent”. It seems he may have died not only with cocaine residue in his nose and throat but with women firmly stuck in his craw. No doubt his whole “penis envy” idea didn’t exactly endear him to legions of women either. 
Question: As a man, as a Clinical Psychologist and as a Pirate crazy blogger, would I be committing social or even literary suicide by offering up a somewhat similar sounding generalization that many women are often not that easy to understand or get along with in serious relationships?  Did I just trigger some hidden microaggression alarm or APB alert in the PC governed blogosphere? Did I stumble over an invisible social justice tripwire by sharing such an obviously subjective gender bias in mixed company and not just among my beer swilling man code observingnbowling team bros? Given the permanent magic marker nature of the digital universe now I probably cant even take it back or claim it was a typo. Perhaps I could double check my white man privilege at the door or lie about just having  suffered a brain far. Lastly, following social trends I could go to rehab for a week or two with Josh Duggar, Anthony Weiner and every other clueless men who needs professional help to introspect and eventually own their elusive inner douche-bag.
 
 At least allow me to amend my bold statement and clarify that I really mean that women are not always easy to understand and get along with for extended periods of time, especially in long term romantic relationships (which often includes marriage) and that there are many clear exceptions to the rule.

One potential problem is that many women seem to think that they are the clear exception. Ladies, if you happen to believe that you are without a doubt the exception I speak of then I apologize to you profusely, altho to be brutally honest I harbor certain suspicions that you are either lying outright, fooling yourself or suffering from a sub-clinical delusional disorder.  Also, please dont just ask your sisters, best friends, deer-in-the-headlights boyfriends or browbeaten husbands to provide confirmation of your exceptionalness (my word) because such testimonials are flawed. First of all, that wouldn’t be scientifically objective and sisters or friends  would be subject to obvious bias. In the latter two cases of boyfriends and husbands…well that’s akin to asking cowering bank hostages with Stockholm Syndrome if they “like” the bank robbers. Before you freak out and conclude I am some Donald Trump misogynistic cretin, please note that most of my best friends are women and they are exceedingly easy to get along with. I think that might be because they know me so well (including most to all of my personal weaknesses) yet never take advantage of me because of my imperfections. They also accept me for who and what I am and understand that my idiosyncracies and foibles are part and parcel of who I am. In essence they readily forgive me when I behave poorly or act without thinking (or good sense) and trust that I feel genuinely bad about it.  As a result, these lifelong female friends remain steadfastly in my corner and I’m confident they would lovingly defend me to my main critics and various detractors. Finally they know I’m not perfect but realize I have a good heart, which I really hope that I do.
.
So what the heck happens to women in marriage and many loving relationships?  I cant say I know for sure but probably I should admit for the sake of my good friends, family, female readership and cohabitating flame that it may well have something to do with me. Let’s face it. It’s a lot easier to be someones friend, favorite co-worker, or bff from high school than the “lucky lady” who has to come home every day to my spider den of convoluted inner-conflicts and complex dualities. Even tho I like to view myself as a super “nice guy” and overall mensch, I realize my psychological closet is overflowing with other not-so-very-nice personas and hidden subtexts. These include but are not limited to a well-worn cluster of highly narcissistic behavior traits, annoying personal habits like farting a lot and picking my nose, and a plethora of psychological mind games, interpersonal tests and Indiana Jones-like relational sinkholes. Notice I’m not even mentioning the snoring, the relentless sarcasm, or the ADHD….

.

Now that I think about it, it’s a lot like the Kobayashi Maru no-win training exercise at Starfleet Academy; a brain-numbing, PTSD-inducing test that is literally impossible to pass unless you purposely cheat like Captain Kirk did. To be clear, I’m not just talking about me leaving messy dishes in the kitchen sink or accidentally on purpose forgetting to take out stinky black trashbags to the outdoor waste receptacle, although it very well might include those things too… I’m really speaking about my still unresolved psychodynamic trash from childhood that lies strewn about my brain and my perpetually remodeled home, by proxy. Together thats a lot of unfinished business.  I’m also referring to my accumulated man-sized “war wounds” and unhealed psychic scars resulting from a painful failed marriage of 14 years, my many personal losses and self-perceived failures, the death of loved ones (including my beloved pets), the stress and strain of single-parenting three sons and a long glorious career as a Crusader knight in the never-ending fight against erectile problems, psychological disorders, family dysfunction, and managed healthcare.

As a Ph.D. anointed Clinical Psychologist and licensed sex and marriage therapist one might think such a background and education would adequately protect me from psychological harm like a shiny suit of armor… or at least boost my immunity against all the work-related cooties and stress-related shrapnel my clients come to me suffering from over the years.  Alas, I am not Superman and my private life (if not my private parts) has never really measured up to my private practice success. It’s the old “plumbers cant quite manage to fix their own toilets” analogy. Hmmm…now that I read through this last paragraph it looks as if I have significantly blunted the razor-sharp edge of my original assertion about women as well as my main piratey sword point. How about we all just settle for a generic, “Umm, nevermind”, “Can’t we all just get along?” or “Well, it certainly takes two to tango. ”  Maybe it really goes both ways.

.
The funny thing is my wonderful female friends say the same thing about their male partners and my gay men friends typically concur. Men, it would seem are just as much a mystery and source of frustration to women as they are to other men that they are romantically involved with.  Apparently, the well-worn male maxim, “It would be so much easier if I was gay” holds little or no water. Still, there are plenty of remaining stereotypes about men to perpetuate the myth that women occupy the role of the complicated gender who not only overthink everything but also over pack regardless how short or far the journey may be. Men, on the other hand, continue to be viewed as light travelers, especially in the head and overall psyche. By the standard definition, the average male today is a simple bipedal creature and hunter/gatherer who spend most of this time playing video games, working out, playing sports, reading stock quotes or fixing cars. The truth is that depending on his upbringing and belief system a man can develop into an extremely sensitive and psychologically complex individual or an empty-headed lugnut. On the downside, if enough goes wrong in his life and no effort is made to treat or correct the problems, a guy may grow into someone with more crossed wires in his thinking, feeling and behavior than a 1970 Jaguar XJ12. Trust me, I had one of those once that I got super cheap at a car auction and tried to restore. I ended up giving it away to a female neighbor and last I heard she went insane trying to make it work. I think, at the end of the day, we should all agree that the very best place to start to  understand others or “fix” a relationship is on ourselves.  Meanwhile, I will be hiding in the ship’s galley right next to the cast iron frying pans.
.
Cliff Mazer, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist, humorist, and Pirate-centric web blogger living in Sandy Springs, Georgia. He has written articles for various publications including Good Men Project. Contact: 404-932-7193  He is all about being honest and maintaining a good sense of humor.
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment