captaincliff

Kvetching as Therapy

kvetch  (kvch) Slang
intr.v. kvetched, kvetch·ing, kvetch·es
To complain persistently and whiningly.
n.
1. A chronic, whining complainer.
2. A nagging complaint: “a rambling kvetch against the system” (Leonard Ross).
[Yiddish kvetshn, to squeeze, complain, from Middle High German quetzen, quetschen, to squeeze.]

Who knew that the Yiddish word “kvetch” came from the High German term quetzen which means to “squeeze”?  I didnt know that. I only knew that one of my guilty pleasures is complaining and squeezing out my various nagging complaints to anyone willing to listen. Not everyone is willing. I notice that very positive, upbeat people have less patience and overall tolerance with kvetchers. That’s understandable since they tend to see the positive side of life and believe in maintaining a “glass half full” perspective. On a good day I agree with them completely. On another day I want to whine like a little girl and have others say things like, “Oy, you think you have a benign tumor the size of a walnut? I think I have a melanoma the size of a grapefruit!” I feel better in both complaining and knowing that their fruit or vegetable sized fictitious growth is larger than mine is… Today I woke up with a cold sore and severe ringing in my left ear. Somedays I feel like a walking symptom checklist. The older one gets the longer the checklist, and of course the more fatal one imagines it to be. Of course the worst thing to do at that point is look it up online. Immediately one realizes they have idiots for doctors and have a rare mitochondrial  gene malformation that manifests as a cold sore and ringing in the left ear. Instead of going to urgent care one thinks about cemetery plots and how expensive they are to purchase, especially at the last minute and without a Groupon.

My friend Amy called me while I was busy misdiagnosing myself and said, “Why dont you take some Musinex? I would think there are alot of allergies and minor ear infections in places like Atlanta around the month of May.” That kind of took the wind out of my hypochondriacal sails, but I made sure she stayed on long enough to squeeze out a couple dozen good kvetches. I felt somewhat better afterwards, even tho it was a pain to keep switching the phone over to my right ear. Somebody should study if sustained, mindful, concentrated kvetching is therapeutic, although I imagine it might kill the therapists over time or at least make them start itching and wondering what that vague looking rash on their thigh might be.

Ginormous 13 inch Asian tiger shrimp (see video below) have shown up in the waters off Texas and the Gulf Coast. These cannibalistic prawns are so large they are eating the native shrimp population which they dwarf in size and weight. Civil defense teams, all wearing plastic lobster bibs and carrying drawn butter, forks and spicy cocktail sauce are taking up positions on the beaches in defense of the Homeland. I want all my readers to know I am willing to take up the cause along with my mother’s Scampi recipe and am preparing an emergency ration of pureed garlic with lemon and capers……

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/upshot/cannibal-shrimp-invasion-begun-165542739.html

Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been different if I didnt have kids. My three sons are now young men ranging in age between 22 and 26 years old. One of the “age old” questions is how many kids is too many? It certainly seems like there is a significant difference between the parental demands of those with one child and those with anything over two. Men and women, mothers and fathers all differ in their opinion about which gender, daughters or sons is more “difficult”. Predictably most parents with daughters say girls are a bigger challenge and more likely to test their patience and emotional stability. Those with sons just raise an eyebrow and think to themselves, “Riiiight…did you ever have to pick up your drunk kid at midnite from the go cart track at the high school’s “lock in” dance?

Let’s face it, there is no such thing as a perfect kid and there are always going to be stories about another son or daughter who was a nightmare to raise. As a psychologist I have heard a million stories about kids with online gambling addictions, drinking problems, public intoxication arrests, disorderly conduct, convictions for selling marijuana, identity fraud and using a fake ID, as well as failure to attend college classes even tho it is costing the parents a literal fortune to send them to school out of state. Then I have heard another million horror stories about somebody elses kids besides my own…………..

Most of us have been through the figurative mill in realizing that every child is going to face personal challenges that cost us nearly all our money and much of our sanity. Perhaps we did the same thing to our parents but somehow we dont remember because we were too drunk, too stoned or just have convenient amnesia. Bottomline: If you ever start to feel bad about the “parent trap” that we all got ourselves into and yet few of us really regret because of how much we love and adore our kids, think about Lindsey Lohan or just watch this slide show of Octomom’s house. She’s the single mom who had six small children and then decided to have eight more all at one time. I believe that totals 14. I just heard she signed up to do a “self-pleasuring video” to pay for all their expenses…….. A self-pleasuring video? I wish it would be that easy. Sounds like a great job, with or without the pension plan and health benefits.
http://photos.tmz.com/galleries/octomom_nadya_suleman_kids_living_conditions_toilet_photos#tab=most_recent

I’m so ahead of my time that I cant even catch up….with myself. Twenty years ago I wrote articles about happiness and how important it is for mental and physical health. Twenty years later I am taking an anti-depressant and suffering from a laundry list of physical complaints, most of which are either age or stress-related. We could term this extreme hypocrisy or call it a life lesson in the plumber needs to fix his own leaky commode. The good news is I’m pretty handy and do know how to replace a broken toilet, as long as its not too complicated. There is something “manly” about marching into Home Depot or Lowes,  strutting to the plumbing section, brushing the perky sales associate aside and grabbing a toilet valve and trip lever. One slightly gloats as they head to the cashier past other men and women with confused looks on their faces, scratching their heads as they ponder the vast plethora of parts in various sizes and shapes……some in European metric to make matters worse.

Emotional problems and mental illnesses are more complicated. As long as we feel fine and things are going good or great , we have the confidence to work and play. When things start to break down in ourselves, in our spouse, or god forbid in our children, we often dont know what to do and who to trust. We try to put up a good front to everyone including the neighbors, the friends and extended family, but inside we feel crappy and the self-confidence “valve” starts to breakdown. Lying in bed and hiding begins to sound and feel more appealing then the conference call at work, the tennis date, or the dinner party. Knowing who to see or what to do to fix the broken part(s) inside is more problematic. It’s not that we dont know enough about depression, anxiety, panic attacks, eating disorders or bipolar. It’s almost like we know too much, and feel so bad we dont know what to do first. Many people eventually do see their primary physician and end up with a handful of pills, either for depression, anxiety or both…just in case. I’m not going to directly bash physicians…just indirectly. They are very busy people who dont really have the time to look at the big picture and the “wholistic” perspective. In fact, many of them dont really believe in the so called wholistic perspective and mostly care about our heart, lungs, blood pressure, cholesterol and liver enzymes. They are, for the most part, trained to keep us alive rather then to care about keeping us happy and fulfilled. I’m sure they want us to be happy. Frankly, alot of them dont look so happy themselves and appear to be stressed out too. I dont blame them, because as I previously wrote about, it’s a toxic culture we live in today. I’m not talking about airborne pollution but more about the negative, anxiety inducing news, the bleak economy and the kind of unrelenting expectations many of us set for ourselves and our children. We all so badly want to succeed and make money and then watch TV shows about people like Snooki and Donald Trump.

Years ago when I traveled on family vacations I remember seeing the many poor people living within sight of the 5 star resorts we stayed in and wondered how they could smile all the time. I guess they didnt have TVs and cell phones then to remind them how poor and unsuccessful they were. They didnt suffer from constant “social comparison syndrome” and didn’t have 1000 cable channels telling them they werent thin enough, “ripped” enough, or equipped enough with the right clothes, handbags, jewelry, cutlery or 124 piece pocketknife and sword collection. I havent even mentioned Facebook. Who hasn’t stalked through their friends photo albums and wistfully thought, “Must be nice to go to Kauai for two weeks” or “Boy, that vertical slide at the Atlantis Casino sure looks cool…dammit!” Dont get me wrong. I want everyone to have fun. That’s my point. It’s just that many of us have either forgotten how to feel that way or life has imposed conditions on us physically, mentally, and economically that challenge our creativity to find joy and happiness today and here, not just in St. Thomas or the Bahamas.

Many of us Baby Boomers remember the best times either in high school or when our kids were very young. There is a reason for that. Those were the times when we let ourselves have fun and didnt need to compete in leagues, on ALTA teams, or at charity golf tournaments with our boss and co-workers watching. We just had fun being kids, roller-skating, dancing, biking through the neighborhood, listening to music, messing around at the beach or hanging out in somebody’s basement fortress made of cardboard boxes. We really PLAYED back then. It was real PLAY THERAPY. Nowadays, even play therapy (the real version) is a pretty serious endeavor, designed to evaluate, diagnose and treat childhood emotional problems. That’s serious, even tho the goal is to keep the kid engaged, relaxed and unaware of the gravity of the session or its potential consequences. Instead, I’m talking about the playtime and exuberance we felt when we took our kids to a playground, watched them laugh and even climbed up on the jungle gyms and play structures with them. Am I the only dad that broke the rules at McDonalds and jumped into the ball pit with their kids?? Ok, I think I did get booted out for doing that once, but even that was fun and my kids got a huge kick out of it. I wasn’t escorted out by a cop or Ronald McDonald, just some teenager with pimples and a paper hat. Funny how a paper hat, whether it is a pirate hat or a New Years Eve party hat signifies FUN and letting loose. We all need to do that more often and maybe create actual venues where we can do it together as families in spontaneous, playful, non-serious, but ultimately therapeutic ways. I’ll be the first one to bring my pirate sword and paper party hat!

Market watchers and every man over 50 is anxiously awaiting FDA approval and widespread distribution of Stendra, the new 15 minute fast acting erectile dysfunction drug that hopes to compete with if not replace Viagra. Anyone who has taken Viagra, otherwise known as the “magic” blue pill knows that it takes about an hour to take “full” effect, leading many men to come up with various delay tactics such as needing to check an important phone message from the office, reading the online Sports section.. again or finishing the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle, Millenium edition. The sound of ones wife or sex partner tapping their toes impatiently and/or making a face gesture that clearly says, “So, is NASA going to launch or not?” has been one of the few untoward side-effects and limitations of the wonder drug that has made Pfizer Inc. billions of dollars. Sure, occasionally a Viagra user either goes blind or ends up with a permanent erection but most of us are willing to trade some vision for a sexual experience akin to nuclear fission. The package warning about going to the hospital if your erection lasts more then 4 hours sends more men to their doctors office to get a prescription than to any hospital ER. Nobody wants to waste that kind of God-like experience, short-lived as it might be, even if it leaves somebody with a towel bar in their trousers for a day or two. Vivus Inc., the makers of Avavanil (Stendra) are betting on the fact that most Americans hate to wait, and if anyone has tried the chewing gum version of Viagra, or God forbid bitten into a Viagra pill in a vain attempt to get a quicker response time knows it tastes only slightly better then Amoxicillin….ewww.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/27/fda-approves-vivus-viagra-rival_n_1460340.html?fb_action_ids=2060132480801%2C3247552503724%2C10150787195479313&fb_action_types=news.reads&fb_ref=type%3Aread%2Cuser%3AJHaqGJBEl8S9-_NmsSk2fdVeDIo&fb_source=other_multiline#access_token=AAAAACuIpepUBAItEqUWMuvm361HfyGlLN9ERZCeITaHKOn7TWdZCB2SXkWixiIprhX6wnsYaRw8d61qU9ZCbE1XHkaLDFIaGZA9TlZAgbQQZDZD&expires_in=6450

Bamboo Peace Pipe Art

In my opinion our modern world is too often characterized by extreme WASTE and excessive HASTE. It seems that anything that is old, slightly broken, defective or no longer state of the art is summarily deemed obsolete and “thrown away”, whether it is a broken marriage, an elderly person with Alzheimer’s or last years iPod or smart phone. Instead of taking more time to “fix” ourselves, our  relationships in conflict, or the world in moral crisis and spiritual disrepair we seek to quickly fill our unmet needs and deep wounds with something material, superficial and brand new whether it is someone new to date online or something  shiny and new at the shopping mall or car dealership. In terms of healing our individual, social and societal problems, that which represent the more ancestral , older, tribal, or slower and deeper approach is increasingly  rejected in favor of the superficial newer versions,  the faster cheaper models, or the expedient and more self-advantageous solution.

Bamboo reminds us of our ancestral roots and our interdependent relationship with the natural environment in “long time”.

The SACRED PEACE PIPE has been a symbol of healing, tribal unity-understanding, communication, and the need for spiritually powerful ceremony/ritual for thousands of years, mostly among Aboriginal peoples (and perhaps modern day hippies).  My sculptural bamboo PEACE PIPES include discarded materials, found objects, recycled junk, wire, beads, plumbing parts, textile scraps, and an occasional avocado seed. Many of my now over 400 “one of a kind” pipes, boxes and accessories are at least partly confessional, ie. expressions of my own often conflicted personality, personal interests and surreal life experiences. My lifelong interest in Native American art, history and Hawaiian culture are of particular importance. At the same time my art is meant to express a lighthearted sense of humor, irony, and self-deprecation. There is a strong humorist connotation, one that laughs at itself and reminds us to not take anything too seriously. Like all existential dilemmas we must all eventually surrender to the mystery that is life and death. However, as in the Native American and Aboriginal pipe ceremonies, we can still allow ourselves a moment in time to reflect and remember what is truly important, and to accept things as they are and on their own terms. Moreover, there is still time to symbolically pass the sacred peace pipe back and forth among us, and in so doing, offer one another love, humor, healing, appreciation, understanding, and forgiveness, all token gifts of our true humanity.
Cliff Mazer, Ph.D.  Atlanta, Georgia

Again with the testicle squeezing?? What is with people? A previous CaptCliff blogpost (see below) addressed this scourge that appears to be on the rise, so to speak. Now we have another woman utilizing this highly effective form of martial arts in an attempt to secure a parking space in China. I thought the traffic in Atlanta was bad…. Imagine if every angry or frustrated female driver decided to use deadly force upon men and their most vulnerable appendages? Do we need to pass a new law or post signs specifically stating NO BALL SQUEEZING ZONE ? How would we enforce such restrictions and make sure such a law has teeth……..no pun intended.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/26/woman-squeezed-mans-testicles-kills-parking-china_n_1457487.html
https://captaincliff.wordpress.com/2012/04/10/dr-cliff-on-extremely-angry-girlfriends/

I know that the world is generally a beautiful place and that it is an extraordinary gift to be alive. It definitely beats the heck out of being dead. However, there are times when one stops to ponder our particular culture and the things we are currently taught to value. Just pick up the TV remote control and surf the cable channel from one to one thousand. Given that there used to be only four channels (all in grainy black and white) that alone would seem to be a blessing. It is not. With the exception of PBS and Law and Order, the choices range from sick to sickening to revolting. I dont think I need to enumerate the shallow, superficial, celebrity obsessed programs millions watch every day. They dont call it the “boob tube” for nothing. What about all the games people play on their “gaming consoles”, iPads and smartphones? It’s difficult to imagine how slaughtering people, dismembering aliens, or stacking up colored boxes makes a person smarter or contributes to our collective intelligence. Still, there may be some distinct advantage in having convenient methods to distract ourselves….from ourselves.

Dont get me wrong. The trees and the animals and nature and some stand-up comedy is still enjoyable and a pleasure to behold. I’m just saying alot of things that are supposed to be entertaining, fun, or funny really are not. I think it’s because we live in a basically “toxic culture” that is making us sick, physically and mentally. Then, when we do get sick, as a result of our vacuous society, skewed values and technologically top heavy lives, we get funneled into a depressing and impersonal healthcare system. We dont need medical robots in the future because most doctors are already that way due to economic and administrative pressures nowadays. The last time I saw my primary care physician, I had to literally block the door to keep him from leaving after five minutes. It’s not really his fault. He had dozens of other patients to see and even tho I might imagine him to be Dr. House or Dr. Oz, he’s just a busy doctor trying to pay his bills and not get sued like everyone else.

Folks, I’m not trying to poop on the parade. I’m just trying to remind myself and anyone else that might care… to remember……to care. Caring takes just a second, but does require a certain degree of focus, attention, and well, sincerity. How often do we stop and not just “smell the roses” as they say, but say hello, give a hug, look into someones eyes (not in a creepy way) and remember to be truly human?  I’m guessing it’s because of all the bad news and random violence we read about 24/7 that we have trained ourselves to be interpersonally bi-polar. Either we wave superficially and say, “How you doin’?” to people we dont know (without waiting for an answer) or we keep our heads down and avoid anything that might attract a random sex offender or road raging citizen with an Uzi. I realize there’s no easy cure for all the social ills of a New millennia society with a humongous carbon footprint. I just think we should consider changing what we watch and how we feel and think FIRST and get to the mercury in our teeth later. Not that there’s anything wrong with fixing our teeth. I’m just saying how about we start by smiling with whatever is in our mouth and really mean it.

Headline: Newt Gingrich to bow out of presidential race and have scaled back Secret Service protection. Newly reassigned agent fresh from Cartegena Columbia and Arizona sex addiction clinic, still somewhat easily distracted….Ok, I made some of that up. Not the part about Gingrich, but the part about the new secret service agent, altho who really knows? It’s hard to believe what is fact and what is fiction nowadays. Young people I notice, accept the absurdity of the news and what is reported by the media with greater ease and less incredulity. I spend half my time reading and the rest of the time thinking, “No fucking way!! That cant possibly be true…can it??”  I think it’s all the reality TV they watch including the ghost hunters and alien abduction shows which are presented as if they are scientifically valid. The ghost hunters always carry “scientific equipment” with lots of dials, digital devices and readouts to indicate the presence of “paranormal energy”. What the heck is paranormal energy anyway? If somebody farts does that count? If a ghost farts could they detect it? These are the kind of absurd conjectures that sometimes make me long for the ’70s, well before smart phones, iPads, Kardashians and Gingriches, both the original and 2.0 versions.

What words or concepts are vital to recovery from an eating disorder or psychological disorder like depression? How about ENJOY and HAVINF FUN? What about FEELING EXCITED and FULFILLED or PASSIONATE?  As helping professionals we often tell patients and their families how important it is to have good medical care and high self-esteem, but do we tell or teach them that HAPPINESS, ENJOYING LIFE, having a PASSION for something (other then dieting or being thin), and finding a way to HELP OTHERS (that is more direct and engaging then sending an email or even a check to a worthy cause) is also extremely therapeutic and beneficial to ones health and continued recovery? Do therapists take the time or have the time to help patients design a future life  (aftercare and recovery) that is pleasurable, self-fulfilling, individualized and not just a stressful climb to the top of the social ladder or the pinnacle of their chosen profession? Who’s job is it really to model the commonly talked about (but less frequently executed) concepts of joy, laughter, self-acceptance, emotional “authenticity”, “serenity” and having “inner peace”.

As a parent and a therapist, I would be the first to admit I have not always practiced what I preach, and it would be good to validate my childrens perceptions and let them know they can be qualitatively different and “better” in many more ways then just making money, having alot of Facebook “friends” or getting perfect grades. It would be good to have a place to talk about THAT with other parents and families too. None of us are perfect and its a good thing to admit it to one another…. and quite relieving. “Letting go and letting God” might be a good idea for some people (12 step programs) but its a little vague for many of us. I’d like to talk about it face to face with others, have more fun together, play more non-competitive games, and do so in ways that allow people to be themselves and not so clinically “different”.  Cliff Mazer, Ph.D.