captaincliff

Ok, I’ve got the working title but not yet the full description of my self-promotion campaign and global marketing blitz. What does Facebook mean by the sub-title “Notes About Me”???  Is this like a eulogy in advance? The beauty of this section of Facebook is its total anonymity, since the chance of someone reading this part of the page or stumbling across this entry while surfing the Internet is equivalent to being struck by lightning while urinating on a toaster. Dont ask me how I came up with that analogy….I just did. Also keep in mind that the average attention span of people under 30 years old is  one nanosecond. People between 30 and 50 years old are usually busy working, burping babies, coaching Little League or feverishly trying to balance their dwindling bank accounts. Ironically most of us over 50 years old are trying to remember what we were just talking about, why we walked into a certain room, or awkwardly pretending to recognize their neighbors first names when they wave at us in the car or while walking the dog. I have a sneaking suspicion we ALL have progressive Alzheimers including the doctors we go to see about our declining cognitive functioning.

Let’s face it. We’re all on some Ronald Reaganesque Disney-ride to Dementiaville… with a quick bathroom break in Tomorrowland. Maybe that’s not so bad. There are plenty things I would rather forget, including most of the 80s, the cell phone crotch shot of Anthony Weiner and especially that Disney song the robotic tropical birds sing “In the Tiki Room”. I’ve had that stuck in my head since 1972. Translation: NEVER take LSD and go to Disneyland thinking it might improve ones “total experience”…..yeah right.

I Dare You to Listen:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxJ4PQVLszY

8/1/11  Casey Diary: Return to Orlando (cont) :   Dear Diary, OMG, I’m so sick of everybody! After getting back home from Abbatabad and rinsing off all the goat stink, I havent had one minutes peace to myself!  Jose gave me another $100 to play the “money game” again and that frizzy haired lesbo lawyer chick wont keep her hands off me. She keeps saying she wants to give me “just one more victory hug”. I’m totally over the grab ass part that she throws in pro bono.  She’s worse then Lee!! I also concur that Cheney Mason’s swimming pool is infested by his old perv law school buddies who drawl like Hillbillies and keep asking to see my “other tattoos…”. Umm, like, get your own tramp stamp or go to a strip club to see one like a normal person! I keep saying to them, “show me the money” and they say back, “but we’re on retainer”. If this keeps up I’ll chloroform the whole bunch tonite and bury them under a fricken retaining wall. Uggh!

Casey’s Diary

Day Two: Back to the Homeland

Ok, things definitely did not work out in Attatabad, or whatever they call it. Pakistan is so stupid! All I did was sit around and do my nails (mortuary black with little white skulls) while the whole stupid country is busy planking on oriental carpets and chasing goats all day. My raisin bran tasted like puke with goat milk in it. Even in jail they had 2%…….Ewww. 

Also, have they never heard of deodorant? The women smell worse then the men, and the men smell like my car trunk. I told Chaney I would do him even better then Jose if he got me the frick out of here. He got me a gig back in Orlando at Splash Mountain on account of my previous “lifeguard” experience. Ha, but seriously, with the obesity epidemic among kids in the USA, dont you think there are gonna be tons (literally) of parents who would be better off without their whiny lard ass pre-diabetic toddlers?? Speaking of…I’d like to get my hands on Nancy Graces “sweet” little twins. That beatch has it coming to her. Anyway, they flew me back on a private jet. That was SO cool.

Canoe Restaurant Review

Rating 4 stars out of 5 (To get a 5 they have to be absolutely flawless, offer sexual amenities,  and/or free organ transplants)

After two weeks of exercising and eating healthy (ok, I was starving to death) in preparation for a high school reunion, I went to the very fancy and well respected dining establishment, Canoe for dinner with Becca and Ari. We went at the suggestion of my foodie son, Benjamin who plans to be a doctor, not only to heal the sick and the less fortunate, but also so that he can afford to patronize exceptional restaurants like this one. Amazing meal. We ate everything (the braised rabbit, the steak, the seared scallops, etc.) as well as the live chicken and a random restaurant worker named Jose I caught roaming free-range in the chef’s sustainable organic garden. I killed them both myself using a sharpened stick of red cedar salvaged responsibly from the tornado several weeks ago in Vinings. Delish. Talk about service and attention to detail. By the time the desserts came (the Chocolate Grotto and a flour less chocolate pudding with homemade mint ice cream) we practically needed to call the “Scooter Store” for assistance. I noticed on my son’s iPhone that I qualified for this senior perk by this time into our multi-course meal having both limited mobility and by being nearly unable to get up unassisted due to how incredibly full I was. This review fails to even mention the gigantic uber-fantastic bread tray (freshly baked sesame lavash flatbread, sour dough and cranberry raisin loaf all made on premises) that was offered to our table multiple times, mostly because I blocked the server from getting by with my chair until he coughed it up…again and again. Regardless, there was no way we werent going to finish in grand style, so we did. How full was I , you ask?  It is conceivable I had a small cardiac event or TIA in Canoe’s parking lot, but the valet/attendant was more than gracious and pointed me in the general direction of my home in Sandy Springs (and Northside Hospital). I look forward to visiting this culinary masterpiece on the river again as soon as my doctors deem me sufficiently recovered. Just kidding. It was super…..Four “arrggahs” out of Five

Casey’s Journal: Day One

Wow, I cant believe I am out!! It’s so weird to be able to just get up and do whatever I want! I also cant believe all these people sent me free money and checks. I dont even have to forge their signatures, lol!! Seriously, I do want to start over my life. I mean, its been 3 years behind bars and I havent partied since forever…..I want to get a Brazilian and maybe do a couple of Peruvians, ha!

Speaking of Peru, Joran Van der Sloot texted me congrats from jail last nite and asked me if liked to play strip poker …so random. He is kinda cute tho. He also said they allow conjugal visits there. I’m sorry but….ewww. If he was dumb enough to leave forensic evidence, let alone a DEAD BODY strewn around a hotel room, duh, then 1) I cant imagine how disgusting his solitary cell looks and smells and 2) he’s not a keeper as far as I’m concerned. Plus, Jose said there are other places I can go if things dont work out here in Pakistan. Can you believe this place is surrounded by pot gardens?? I’m so excited to start my new identity. I tried on the Burkha thingy and its so exotic. I always loved how I look in black but I’m definitely taking the hem up…and I mean WAY up! More later. They are killing a chicken right now and I want to watch how they do it. Peace Out!