captaincliff

As a sex therapist I admit when I first read the story about Pedro and Buddy, two male penguins at the Toronto Zoo, I was somewhat cynical and insensitive. The fact that these two black and white guys love one another and had maintained a stable, pair-bonded monogamous relationship through thick and thin, including having cohabited together previously seemed less important then the simple fact that they are African penguins, essentially flightless birds wearing permanent tuxedos. Sure I was moved by descriptions of their unusual loyalty and fidelity, including the fact that they are willing to stand side by side 24/7 while snot nosed Canadian schoolkids and obnoxious American tourists wave at them and make endlessly rude condescending remarks, again not because they are possibly gay but because they walk and talk funny and eat smelly little fish. Human beings seem both fascinated and repelled by short, flightless birds who waddle like….well, penguins. Think of the Penguin (Danny Divito) in Batman…ewww. Our lexicon is filled with pejorative terms and phrases making light of their squat morphology and awkward gait. As a result, they take more than their share of jeers, off hand remarks and catcalls. Now, according to an article, zookeepers in Toronto are planning to split Pedro and Buddy up in an attempt to introduce them to “select female mates” for breeding purposes.  Hmmm, sounds more like conversion therapy to me, under the guise of animal husbandry. Interesting to note, PETA, the Sierra Club, and even many gay rights groups are conspicuously silent and nowhere to be seen or heard on the matter. Zoo authorities are careful to say that afterwards they plan to put Buddy and Pedro back together but an even more thorough reading shows that Buddy at 20 years old isn’t getting any younger, and his still youthful boy toy Pedro, age 10, is heterosexually speaking still a virgin, therefore especially likely to suffer from shock when he realizes what a high maintenance female in estrus is really like….I’m just sayin’ have they really thought this all the way through? There is news that a few Facebook activists are mounting (excuse the pun)  a peaceful protest to keep these rubbery lovers together and appeal to the shared “humanity” of zoo authorities. That’s like expecting Donald Rumsfeld to attend a Occupy Wall Street vigil….or maybe more to the point, trying to get Dick Cheney to ride in a float in the SF Pride Parade, with or without his daughter. Not gonna happen. Of course they say it’s all about preserving the species, which is commendable, but what about preserving our sensitivity to individual choice, dignity and diversity? These guys didn’t ask for all this hoopla and attention. We put them in the public eye and the fake concrete moat for God sakes. Cant we just show some compassion and throw them a bone-fish?

      http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/gay-penguin-couple-buddy-pedro-separated-toronto-zoo-mate-females-article-1.974930

The Blogger’s life is not easy. How does one decide exactly which of the literally hundreds of internet stories trumpeted each day online are actually newsworthy enough to comment upon? The task is made even more difficult in this technological age due to the fact that “news” is now a highly subjective phenomena, and not something easily determined just because the mainstream media says so. Recent case in point: a highly touted story titled “Woman Bites Off Man’s Testicles”. Without a doubt the initial headlines provoke immediate reader interest, great sympathy and well, morbid curiosity. After CaptCliff was finished with his own reflexive visceral reaction to the story (insert cartoon depiction of man with mortified look on face grabbing his private parts and lying in exaggerated fetal position to denote horror, fear, and loathing) he was left to ponder the deeper meaning, broader philosophical questions and the conundrum involving such an obviously gruesome event, such as, “WTF!! How did that happen!!?? Was this sexual role-play gone awry, a simple drunken stupor or an intimate “tea bagging” ceremony fueled by MDMA and Crystal Meth??”  Many questions go unanswered, even after reading the article and comparing the various news outlets reporting the breaking story. A good blogger always has a moral compass lying around somewhere to offer perspective and perhaps a tad bit of wisdom or advise to any who might be interested. What advise does CaptCliff, the aging sage and certified sex therapist have to offer his loyal readers and any future subscribers who might accidentally stumble across his morning rants and twisted writings? It is this: 1) never leave your most vulnerable assets exposed to sharp moving objects that have a blood alcohol level over .10.  2) In addition,  do NOT tempt the Gods of luck or misfortune by hanging the family jewels over an angry drunk with a diminished capacity and limited use of her pre-frontal cortex. In fact, this is exactly why evolution, God almighty and even the intelligent design(er) of the universe probably decided  to give us a prefrontal cortex in the first place…to make rational decisions of moral consequence. In other words most of us, if presented in an experimental condition, with a set of hanging hairy balls, otherwise known as testicles in front of us would not choose to bite them off. We would at least think about it first. What would be the advantage to doing so and what might be the consequences entailed retrospectively? Unfortunately, some people never learn and in a strange way are acting as their own evolutionary executioner. In the case mentioned the stupid schmuck got stitched up by the doctors (imagine their coffee table conversation afterwords) and was sent home to recuperate, probably by squatting on a ginormous mound of ice while popping Ibuprofen and Oxycontin like candy corns on Halloween. I can only guess what his female partner is dressing up as this coming weekend…….ie. Vanna the Vasectomy Vampire? Anyhoo….that’s in the news today and now you know even more than ever… to keep your powder dry and your tea bags in the right kind of mug. Arrgghh!!  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/8849887/Woman-bites-off-boyfriends-testicles.html

Widespread interest in the dead body of Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi has lead to a entrepreneurial bidding war for his corpse. Several large publicly held companies and multi-national corporations including Sony, Samsung, Westinghouse, Amana, Coca Cola, and Frigidaire have submitted independent proposals to the transitional Libyan government (NTC) and to the city of Misrata where his body is currently  decomposing in cold storage. Thousand of people have already lined up to see Gaddafi’s bullet riddled body and to take pictures lying next to him on a blood soaked mattress. Seeing a lucrative opportunity, these companies are seeking to take Gaddafi’s cadaver on the road for an extended world tour, possibly involving over a dozen countries and 3 different continents. Disney, In an admittedly controversial but creative business venture has also suggested placing Gaddafi in a permanent Disneyland attraction, tentatively called Mad Dog Muammar’s Desert Adventure. While Islamic law currently forbids the use of the dead for such purposes and has strict guidelines on the swift burial of the deceased according to Muslim tradition, legal maneuvering by entertainment lawyers representing globally recognized corporate sponsors, Gaddafi’s surviving family members and rebels from a coalition of local militia in Misrata are said to be close to hammering out a mutually beneficial agreement. Rumors continue to swirl as recently as today that Gaddafi was unceremoniously buried in a large refrigerator in the desert this morning but a spokesman for Frigidaire claims this was a body double, possibly even Geraldo Rivera.