The Bone Collector: Viking Love or Unified Theory of Everything?

Posted on March 14, 2013 by captaincliff

http://www.thelocal.se/44536/#.UUINGK6veRk

Let me warn you or better yet, let me signal what is to come. All of
life’s great irony and exquisite mystery are possibly revealed in
the following news story. That’s right. You can give up your quest to
climb Mt. Everest, quit your introductory Buddhism class, cancel the
upcoming “clearing” session at the Church of Scientology, and put down
that copy of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. A simple news feed from
Sweden (of all places) helps to explain what human beings are really
about and why we exist. You can also forget about the newly elected
Pope with one lung and the recently verified Higgs-boson sub-atomic particle that cost a zillion dollars to basically build a 17 mile high tech running track for Hobbits.

Not that that wasn’t good science and careful Cosmology but it doesnt get at human
motivation, existential meaning and primary purpose. Who cares about God particles that help shape form and mass in the known universe compared to what shapes and gives meaning to human beings, the apex species on the planet. What good is a Higgs-boson if you cant eat it, rub it or make it love you?

I wont tease you and I wont beat around the bush. This is it. The
answer to what shapes our individual lives and gives us direction
is……….WHATEVER KINKY THING COMES TO MIND.

I distinctly remember searching for the meaning of life and taking the
EST training in the 1970s. I paid $350 to piss in my pants and hear
Werner Erhard whisper into a microphone on the third day of our
training, “People, when your HOT you’re hot and when you’re not you’re
NOT”.  Wtf?? That’s it?? I thought the guy was not only a hustler and
a douchbag but also out of his mind. I concluded that he was Ron Popiel
without a Pocket Fisherman or a working Rotisserie Oven (Set it and Forget
it!). I didn’t get “it” as they called it in EST-alese. Well, now I
get it. After reading this Swedish article about a lady who had sex
with a skeleton that she patiently collected bone by bone and metatarsal by
metatarsal, I hereby accept the fact that we all are symbolically
speaking “bone collectors” who arbitrarily find meaning and purpose and
then “animate” our personal passion by literally loving and fucking
what we kill, what we make or keep.  Some of us collect porcelain figurines,
some like sports cars. I like making bamboo pipes made out of “found
objects” gotten from discarded materials, which is a pretty cheap hobby
considering the price of junk and super-glue. On television it’s pretty
obvious that people love and covet flipping houses, spoiled rich housewives,
digital gadgets, fishing, and celebrities who dance (poorly) with the stars and
curse alot (measured by the loud beeps). The point is it’s pretty darn
random what we choose to get hooked on and obsessed with. That’s life.
It’s that simple. I know…it’s almost a letdown because we tend to
expect mental orgasms and emotional fireworks with our moments of
enlightenment. Sorry about that.

The good news is that you probably can just go ahead and live life and
dont have to stop doing what you’re doing or hire a personal trainer
(unless you are a fat slob who would like to collect human body parts
but are too out of shape to touch your toes let alone lift and sort
plastic bins filled with rib bones). Unlike the lady in Sweden you dont
have to lick a human skull, keep it in your freezer or have sex with
the bones. I barely have room for an extra bag of ice in my freezer
compartment. We can all freely choose what to believe in, what or who
to love (dead or alive) and how to worship. Licking skulls is an
elective, not a prerequisite. I did like the way she lovingly tucked
her skeleton into bed at night (see photo gallery). That was kind of
touching.

http://www.thelocal.se/44536/#.UUINGK6veRk

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CaptCliff on La Santa Muerte (The Death Goddess)

Posted on March 10, 2013 by captaincliff

death goddess 3

NEW RELIGION FOR SALE OR RENT by Cliff Mazer, Ph.D.

http://farm5.staticflickr.com/4126/5172487839_ca07fca97c_b.jpg

Are you getting a little sick and tired of your present religion?
Feeling like your chosen deity is a little “yesteryear” and everybody
else is praying to a hipper higher power? Just like adding protein
powder and spiralina to your standard smoothie, there is a way to
ratchet up the divinity factor and omnipresence in your current
Almighty King of the Universe. According to the Huffington Post there
is an upswing lately in the belief in and worship of La Santa Muerte,
the female “Saint of Death” who, by the way, is also a skeleton. I dont
mean she’s super skinny like Bettheny Frankel or an anorexic angel. I
mean she is a dead-as-a-door-nail skeleton that is dressed in long
robes, adorned in colorful jewelry and usually seen carrying a sickle
and a globe. People make religious shrines using her ghastly/ghostly
image and then ask for whatever they want, including wads of cash,
European sports cars or a small swarm of super-models for a day or
possibly all eternity. Since she (the Death Deity) is from hell, the
sky’s the limit (in terms of her power to grant wishes) and it’s clear
that this is one God figure that has little or no shame about getting
down and dirty to make a materialistic miracle. Mexican drug dealers
and cartel type tycoons are apparently quite fond of worshipping her as
well as asking for her legal and criminal protection. Even a few La-la
land actors have made private shrines in her blessed name. Funny, I
thought all Hollywood actors were Scientologists. I guess there is no
reason to pay thousands of dollars and go through all that emotional
“clearing”, intense therapy and Sea Org training if the Grim Reapress
can just cut through the b.s. with her curved ninja blade and “make it
happen”.

Where did this newfangled gaunt Goddess come from? Leave it up to
cultural cross-pollination and the unique “blend” of Spanish
Catholicism and Meso-American bloodlust. Somewhere between the Aztec
obsession with death and after-life and the Catholic compulsion for
creating colorful shrines with impressive power rituals there was a
mystical union that gave birth to La Santa Muerta. Sort of the
religious equivalent to mixing old school Acapulco Gold with Mendocino
hydroponic-grown Purple Kush. That’s some bad-ass magic “mojo” and there
are no reported side-effects, nausea, or church or synogogue membership
related building funds to contend with………Plus, the La Santa
Muerte car shrine and miniature dash mount figure is good for parking
karma, and at the very worst is an interesting conversation piece.
What the hell is that??

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/04/santa-muerte-mexican-saint-death_n_2805723.html

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CaptCliff on Wipe On, Wipe Off

Posted on March 5, 2013 by captaincliff

In a continuation of my long standing tradition of fouling the waters and swimming upstream afterwards, here’s a video about a Finnish toilet paper company who decided to include inspirational quotes on it’s two-ply product. People are seemingly crazy nowadays to remind themselves of the good news and “positive” quotations that slip nicely between the folds of our rapidly decaying apocalyptic cushion culture. I cant blame them considering there seems to be a school shooting and lunatics-gone-wild story occurring nearly every day.

So why are people up in arms about wiping up with a few good biblical quotes? Does it really matter if you clean up your business with the words of Wayne Dyer versus Mahatma Gandhi or Jesus of Nazareth? I say “He Who Speaketh the Word Should Also Use Them As The Quick Picker Upper”.  Spiritually speaking, that’s what I call doing double dooty, er, I mean duty.
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On Patriarchy and Big Fat Male Egos

Posted on February 28, 2013 by captaincliff
On Patriarchy and Big Fat Male Egos
by Cliff Mazer, Ph.D.

As a comfortable Caucasian Baby Boomer (CBB) living in the burbs, I was thinking this morning about the following question: “What’s so wrong with having a big fat male ego?” Moreover, is it really all that bad to live in a patriarchal society or paternalistic culture originally established by and for land owning white males? Certainly there are privileges, or as the comedian Louis CK  says in one of his stand-up bits, “Hey, I’m a white man! It really gives you a leg up in society. You cant even hurt my feelings! Wheee!” On second thought, however, there IS a big problem with white male dominant cultures and not just because the demographics are changing rapidly. It’s more like history itself is trying to show us why racist patriarchies dont work.

While I could try to paste together a colorful slide show or “collect and organize” a Pinterest wall depicting images of Adolf Hitler, atomic bombs, world wars, lynchings, slavery, rape, gang violence, the MyLai massacre, the Holocaust, Watergate, obscenely expensive military satellites and Roman Legions marching gloriously into battle never to be seen again…that would take graphic design ability and technical prowess I lack.  Instead, allow me to just use words and put it this way. When you think of Rush Limbaugh what comes to mind? When you consider all the people who listen to him and nod their fatheads in agreement instead of being completely stunned and utterly horrified, how does that make you feel?
I know that some other CBBs and political pundits like Shawn Hannity will dispute the oversimplified notion that all of the aforementioned are the direct result of male ego and patriarchy. They will say its human nature, survival of the fittest, the necessary progression of science and technology, and somewhere somehow something about second amendment rights in a free democracy. Also, one might argue “manifest destiny” and how the Founding Fathers wanted us to slaughter the indigenous people and build railroads, superhighways and Cracker Barrel restaurants across this great land.
2013 seems to me to be an excellent year to reevaluate our basic assumptions about nearly everything. If Ancient Rome was populated by confident men and chauvinistic citizens who routinely exercised their alpha male dominance over women, slaves, other countries, and even foreign empires they deemed inferior, then why did they feel it necessary to “erect” (excuse the pun) clay and stone penis sculptures everywhere for divine protection and good luck? For grand orators and august elder statesmen they were a pretty superstitious lot, what with all the penis charms and phallic-shaped home protection objects. Me thinks they were hiding inferiority complexes and a subconscious fear that their “Top Gladiator” like virility and superiority was to be short-lived. In a similar vein, a psychological profile on Adolf Hitler written in 1942 predicted that he would kill himself as soon as he realized his thousand year Third Reich would last closer to twelve solar orbits. Of course he was kind enough to finally marry his ever obedient girlfriend Evan Braun earlier in the day. He should have at least spared his German Shepherd, Blondi. But he didn’t.
When Obama won the last election and I saw Carl Rove stammer, sweat and nearly soil his trousers on Fox News, I had an inspired vision. It reminded me of the scene from Total Recall when Arnold Swartzenegger realized the “company” psychiatrist was bluffing about him having a psychotic break because he saw a distinct bead of sweat run down the shrink’s forehead. Of course Arnold shot him dead because that was his second amendment right…but that’s not my main point. My point is that I think it’s finally dawning on people that this whole male ego, white man-in-charge, macho-ape approach is getting more stale than my Hulk Hogan Spicy Barbecue potato chips that i foolishly purchased from Big Lots about a year ago. I like barbecue and I love potato chips but those suckers are absolutely horrible! They tasted like a chemical factory mixed with chili flavored wolf urine. In a nutshell, this patriarchy thing has run it’s course and so has the notion that white equals right. Limbaugh and his ilk are sweating bullets.
It’s not just time for a black male President but for a female President of any color and especially for a woman who think and act like a woman (and not just like a white man in drag) to be in charge of just about everything. Human beings who were biologically built to love, nurture, empathize, protect, connect, listen, organize and instill healthy values in others are probably also better at protecting the environment, getting a conflict-ridden Congress to stop acting like squabbling children, and managing a national budget bloated on pork fat, power, privilege and Pentagon toys. The rest of us white guys should just mellow out and sit back in our Lazy-boy recliners for a little while. We can still drink beer and decorate our man caves with mastodon bones and power tools. I just really think it’s time to retire the false assumptions, the phallic symbols with clay feet and maybe all the automatic weapons that are not just squirt guns in disguise.
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CaptCliff on Blogging and Cognitive Decline

Posted on February 26, 2013 by captaincliff
Now that I’ve written over 200 blogs in less then two years, I worry I’m going to write the same exact blog twice without realizing it. Honestly, there are only so many good ideas to blog about, especially for one brain with ADD. Luckily, there are very few dedicated CaptCliff readers and most of them are gracious and forgiving human beings, not to mention absent-minded themselves due to ADD or some other Baby Boomer related cognitive syndrome….like having little or no working memory. 
 
It’s all good. That way everything is fresh and new for both of us. Sort of like Groundhog Day for Alzheimer’s patients. Now I forgot what I was going to say. See? It’s on the tip of my tongue…I swear.
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Creative Approaches to Stress Reduction: You’re Full of Shit Day

Posted on February 20, 2013 by captaincliff

Creative Approaches to Stress Reduction: You’re Full of Shit Day 

by Cliff Mazer, Ph.D.

I’m sure we all agree that too much stress is a major problem in society. The human body is basically like a big pressure cooker and our beating hearts are electrical pumps that keep it all running smoothly. Every time we get mad, anxious, over-excited or frustrated there is an undeniable increase in blood pressure which is not heart healthy over time, particularly if you happen to be a fat slob who never exercises and shovels junk food in your mouth constantly.
Many respected scholars, spiritual leaders and self-help personalities like the Dalai Lama, Deepak Chopra, Richard Simmons, and Suzanne Somers remind us that we need to keep our stress to a minimum and maintain a positive and cheerful disposition. However, most of these same people have millions of dollars if not millions of twitter followers… not to mention personal assistants with very mellow auras who rub their feet and tell them how wonderful they are. It’s good to be the King or the 14th reincarnation of somebody Holy in Tibet, and its even better if you’ve managed to “manifest” a beachfront house in Maui, like Wayne Dyer. It’s hard to not feel jealousy and envy about that.

The problem for the rest of us is daily frustration and having to constantly repress feelings of murderous rage which is quite normal and human. It’s not good to run around shooting people but its also not healthy holding it all in 24/7 and self-medicating over our natural inclination and savage animal nature. Let’s be honest, anthropology and genetics have shown we are only half a chromosome away from being Travis the 200 lb. maniac chimp who went insane and had a lifelong predilection for cheap box wine, bars of Xanax, and mutilating innocent people carrying birthday cakes and stuffed animals. We read about horrendous mass murders occurring practically every day now, which is very stressful, but rarely think to ourselves, “Hey, that could have been me… if I had a full-body SWAT uniform hanging in my closet and several fully loaded assault rifles in my car trunk”.
We all have bad days but the stress can really pile up. For example, have you ever stood in line at Publix pharmacy or the bank or grocery store and overheard conversations between random people and the dedicated employees who have to serve them? The term “grin and bear it” has to have been invented for all the working people of the world who after listening to someone kvetch, complain, and completely make shit up are bound by their ethics, their sense of professionalism and their “oath of office” (otherwise known as their boss’s boss and their fear of losing their health insurance if they get fired) to keep smiling and say things like, “I’m so sorry we have no record of that” and “Of course, I’ll see what I can do. I’m so terribly sorry for the misunderstanding.”  You dont have to be a psychologist or have x-ray eyes to see that these customers are sometimes completely wrong, screwy, missing a lugnut, and/or trying to manipulate the situation to their advantage. How can I be so sure you ask? I’m sure because I am sometimes the manipulative lugnut screwball customer who had a bad day and decided to suddenly feel “outraged” that my blood pressure prescription wasn’t ready or became “indignant and offended” that the waitress forgot to bring a lemon slice like I clearly requested in my (free) glass of water.
Ok, so you get the picture. There is a balance to be achieved here. You may now be thinking I’m going to suggest we all take deep yoga breaths, calm down and treat one another with love and respect. Forget that. That takes alot of work and might even expend calories having to learn certain painful body postures, ancient breathing techniques and mind clearing exercises. Personally, I’m a little afraid to clear my mind completely. It might not come back… sort of like my last HP laptop computer. Some of that was my fault for looking at dirty pictures and videos that clearly were carrying Trojan Horse viruses, Russian malware and virtual STD’s so virulent I actually heard my computer cough and wheeze before it flashed the blue screen of death.
No, instead of calming down and taking a Lamaze classes or shlepping in traffic to introductory Buddhism lectures (again), I propose we have one day a month called,“You’re Full of Shit” Day. On this day, all public servants and company employees across this great nation are allowed to turn on their customers, their clients and bosses and totally let them have it….verbally I mean. After listening quietly to their over demanding half crazy drivel they are allowed to flip out and say things like, “Right, your SO full of crap, Mr. Weinstein! The pharmacy message machine you refer to does NOT give the kind of personal information or prescription specific data you mentioned. You are either lying like a crack whore or you are crazy and need Haldol to go with your Metamucil!! It’s not our fault you cant take a crap and are getting old!”    Wow, wouldn’t that feel good? What about being able to tell your BOSS or direct supervisor once a month what a giant asswipe and fool he is and how he is so SO annoying the way he eats with his mouth open and spits little pieces of ham sandwich out when he talks and pontificates!!  Talk about stress reduction and emotional catharsis!!! Go ahead, “visualize” it……You’ll feel a little better already.
Dont get me wrong. I’m not saying this would be a good idea or therapeutic exercise every single day. It might lead to complete anarchy, lawlessness and the kind of atavistic “Lord of the Flies” type behavior that occurs daily in the United States Congress and among floor traders at the NYSE and Chicago Mercantile Exchange. That’s just a human mosh pit with people wearing suits and waving paper instead of shiny gladiator outfits and carrying trident pitchforks. I’m just saying there should be a day of emotional “amnesty” when you, me, and even our kids are free to tell the “emperor” that he/she wears no clothes and is full of ca-ca. Wait, my kids already do that…. Nevermind that last part. Do I even need to mention AGAIN no guns, no knives and no hand-made nunchucks?


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CaptCliff on Kvetchers: A Pirate-anical Public Service and For Profit Business

Posted on February 19, 2013 by captaincliff

 

Kvetchers: The Business of Getting Things Done   by Cliff Mazer, Ph.D., aka CaptCliff
A Pirate-anical approach to helping people. We’re a little like the pros on Hoarders but we carry swords and curse occasionally (sometimes in Yiddish).

 

Self-Test:

1) Has anyone ever referred to you fondly as a “big mess”?                                   Y/N
2) Do you have piles of papers like reproducing ant hills in your home?            Y/N
3) Do you sometimes wish you could cordon off or condemn parts of your own house?     Y/N
4) Do you have unfinished, unread, or untouched  ”To Do” lists in various places?              Y/N
5) Do you ever watch Hoarders and think, “Well at least I’m not THAT bad!”                      Y/N
6) Do you have the same crap in your car from over a year ago?                                              Y/N
7) Are you full of shit about things you say you are going to do but dont?                              Y/N
If you answered Yes to three or more questions you need to get Kvetched.

kvetch

intransitive verb \ˈkvech, ˈkfech\

Definition of KVETCH

: to complain habitually : gripe
— kvetch·er noun

Examples of KVETCH

  1. They’re always kvetching about something.

Origin of KVETCH

Yiddish kvetshn, literally, to squeeze, pinch, from Middle High German quetschen

First Known Use: circa 1952

Related to KVETCH

Synonyms
beef, bellyache, bitch, bleat, carp, caterwaul, crab, croak,fuss, gripe, grizzle, grouch, grouse, growl, grumble,grump, holler, inveigh, keen, kick, complain, maunder[chiefly British], moan, murmur, mutter, nag, repine,scream, squawk, squeal, wail, whimper, whine, whinge[British], yammer, yawp (or yaup), yowl
Antonyms
crow, delight, rejoice

Idea: Kvetchers: A website, a phone service and a private pay consultation business with the intention of helping people get anything done

Motto: Pay a little. Get Alot Done

Introduction:  I used to get paid a substantial amount of money as a Clinical Psychologist and licensed psychotherapist to listen to people express themselves and their feelings but not necessarily change their behavior or get anything done. After a while I started to feel sort of like an emotional prostitute. They paid me and I helped them not feel so bad…sometimes about not getting off their ass and making necessary changes in their lives. A common complaint of many clients had to do with their loss of motivation and failure to keep up with life tasks. Ironically I have ADHD myself and have many areas of my own life where I tend to procrastinate, put off, avoid, and not finish what I started. It became clear to me that without accountability (to another person) or consequences, I wasn’t likely to change. I wanted to…I really did, but there just wasn’t anyone smart enough, dogged enough, skilled enough, or forceful enough to get me actually off the dime.  Some of the things I wanted to do I actually needed help with to figure out (the problem and the solution) and many other things were written off as unfinished due to pure laziness on my part. Being somewhat rebellious and independent minded, I even avoided taking the initiative to get another persons input, help and/or consultation. Anytime I did happen to get over myself and hired someone, no matter what the task might be, I noticed I made considerable progress. Kvetchers takes this idea a step further by having trained staff both on call by phone, by Skype and in person who know how to be both understanding and supportive but also smart and strong enough to assist clients to overcome their psychological and physical inertia and cross the “finish line”. Tasks to be prioritized and completed are individually determined, no matter if it is a professional resume, a job application, a yard clean up, a bathroom remodel, a house painting, a tax return, a telephone call to Comcast, a car repair, a cat declawing, a dog neutering, a husband’s vasectomy, a psychiatrist appointment, or at worst… ripping useless bits of trash and junk out of the hands of crazy obsessive people and driving it away in a truck faster than they, the client, can run. It doesn’t matter what it is. We all have something we havent gotten done and we KNOW we should do it, but just dont. Many people end up feeling horrible about not taking care of simple tasks or have unfinished symphonies that end up languishing like a dried up ficus tree in the corner of the master bedroom or a 2009 State income tax return under a pile of papers that we defend ferociously against all intruders (or our loving partner’s preying eyes) as if it were radioactive, ie. “Dont touch that pile!  I have it all in a very particular order!!”  That’s the thing. We arent like the certified addictionologists, OCD experts and  specialized Ph.D. therapists on TV (yeah, I got one of those too…). We realize that alot of times its the small little things that matter and you dont have to have a house full of cat feces, cardboard boxes and expired food items to feel crappy about it. We’ve got your number and we know how you roll. Most of all, we want you to succeed and get it done. We dont need to talk to your well meaning but enabling family members, angry or shell-shocked spouses, or acting out teenagers. We are here for you and hired by you to get something done…completely done. Period. Correction: You get it done and we professionally kvetch until you do it.

 

There are four critical steps to the Kvetchers approach (see Kvetchers training manual and website) that acknowledge the problem and shared humanity in being individuals afflicted with the procrastination plague. We recognize how and why people make “To Do” lists on little scraps of paper and then typically NEVER get them done….and then lose the scraps.  Rather than feeling bad about it we help people move quickly through the four stages of treatment for their particular Kvetching Disorder:

1)  PERMISSION: being allowed to freely kvetch, complain and make illogical and irrational excuses.  Then being made fully aware that kvetching (by the minute) will cost you money and burn zero calories and not get a damn thing accomplished… kind of like Freudian Psychoanalysis  and people who “think” about working out…
2) ADMITTING our Powerlessness (by ourselves) to get things done, to make meticulous lists of reasonable tasks to accomplish, do them, and then cross them off the list with rainbow colored Sharpies like highly organized and motivated individuals….not.
3) ACCEPTING professional help in any and all areas of human need and functioning to establish, craft and organize lists of undone behaviors, discrete goals and tasks and then be cajoled, supported, humored, beaten, kvetched at and reinforced like a puppy dog with a big pig’s ear to get it done…
4) PAYING FOR IT: While most people would think “follow-up” is the most important and final dimension of such a labor-intensive human service business, they are wrong. The most important part is getting paid for having the skill and finesse to get normally lazy, irresponsible, sneaky and avoidant people of all races, creeds and colors to cross the finish-line and feel like a champ. Go ahead, do the Dirty Bird or any silly touchdown dance you want because you deserve the special feeling (see above antonym words, ie. crow, delight, rejoice, etc.) that goes with actual completion and closure and we, the Kvetchers team deserve to get the Benjamins and then get out of Dodge. It’s more fun being the Lone Ranger, Zorro, or Mighty Mouse than it is having to stick around and watch people remake a huge mess, like for example the ones in Iraq and Afghanistan……. Hopefully our clients learned something and wont do it again, but hey, if they do, that’s on them and they’ve got our number. P.S. We sometimes cleverly have clients write out a check to people and organizations they hate with a passion and would rather paint the garage then have us ever mail it, ie. the American Nazi Party, Neo-Cons for Cheney in 2016, Casey Anthony is Innocent.com, etc.
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CaptCliff on Tavi Gevinson’s David Sedaris Interview

Posted on February 18, 2013 by captaincliff

 

Token Older Guy Response to Tavi’s David Sedaris Interview in  rookiemag.com:

 

I got some news for you, Tavi. David Sadaris, who is admittedly a very funny man and talented writer is not really that old. I realize to you guys (the rookie staff and readers) he’s absolutely ancient, as in the Ancient Mariner. That was an old poem the english teachers used to make us read in high school. I’m guessing both David and Amy and the entire Sedaris clan remember that. Even back then most of us just read the Cliff Notes. It was what they used to call “long and ponderous”. Sadaris, who happens to be one of my favorite writers is the exact opposite, He’s quick, witty, hilarious, and completely transparent. You dont have to sit around wondering what the albatross hanging around his neck might mean metaphorically. With David Sedaris you just know, and it makes you laugh. One thing he is not, however is old. In fact he’s three years younger than I am and he actually looks to be only about 40 or maybe 45 years old thanks to photoshop and very clever plastic surgery probably performed in Los Angeles or Beverly Hills, California.

 

In California you can really only get two kinds of cosmetic surgery. One kind is extremely subtle and refined, with almost no scars visible. The other kind makes you look like a space alien with permanently swollen lips and leads to a gig on a reality TV show. David may well have had the former and its the type of cosmetic work that when you go out in public at first you get really pissed off for spending so much money because not enough people notice a difference or they just say you look “sort of refreshed… or something”.

 

Even tho David Sedaris lives with his partner somewhere in England, either in an old castle or a completely restored farm house with shabby chic furniture (like everyone else in Great Britain) he is not your average “older guy”. First of all, David Sedaris openly admits to being gay and gay people are not only better looking than the rest of us, but also look much younger naturally. They probably live longer too because they care about what they eat. In contrast, I’m a genuinely older guy. I will be 60 years old in October and I am also Caucasian, straight, bald, live in Atlanta, Georgia and have zero interest in any music that occurred after the Beatles broke up. I am so old that I cant really remember when the Beatles actually did break up and I have to use Wikipedia and the Urban Dictionary on speed dial to survive more than five minutes in a conversation with anyone under 30. Really young kids like those who are 10-12 are fine because they often like the Beatles and possibly Led Zeppelin. Since I didn’t grow up with cellphones or computers, most of my conversations end quickly because I cant figure out how to use the “hold call and switch” function on my iPhone. I pay hundreds of dollars every month for premium cable and Pay per View movies but never use it because I cant work the Comcast remote (or anything that scrolls) without a visiting teenager.  Otherwise I have to bribe my grown children to drive over to my house and help. Like feral cats and illegal alien construction workers they have all learned to demand more each time for their time, trouble, and feeding.  Hamburguesas con queso?

 

 

So, what’s my point?  My point is you dont just need to interview a few token famous older guys for “balance and perspective”, like David Sedaris, but you need to have someone on your website staff who looks older than 15 and a sophomore in some charter high school. Yes, I know, i know….your website and content is aimed specifically at female teenagers and artistically inclined emos, fashionistas, bloggers, writers and graphic designer types. I notice that just about everyone who works for rookie.com or contributes to it lives either in New York City, Brooklyn, Seattle, LA or Tokyo, but where is your minority viewpoint? By that I obviously mean where is your crotchety old white man dude who cannot believe the world is now run by people with pimples, skinny jeans, and Little Kitty pen and pencil sets in their top desk drawer.

 

I know I have already said too much, used too many big words and not enough splashy graphics and instagram photos and video links. I didn’t tweet or hashtag a damn thing because I dont want to. I imagine the person who reads this is about to go use one of those bullet blenders their parents got them on Amazon to make a vegetable and wheatgrass smoothie for lunch. After that they will skype with their best friend in Seattle and have a short conference call with a really young venture capital and hedge fund manager who thinks Google might be interested in making an offer for your e-zine this year because they think it’s “fresh, real, new and plus they just like to swallow up anything and everything they can that might someday compete with them”.

 

Here’s what I say. I say you should think about allowing me to write something or be interviewed. You want March mystery, secrets and hidden treasure? I’m a pirate with a Ph.D.! I’ll tell you all the dirty secrets your parents and your parent’s parents dont tell you, including how they all have hidden fantasies that you all get carpal tunnel syndrome and lose your laptop data and music files in a meteor shower or electronic pulse event and solar flare-up. It’s not that were all just jealous, crabby older people and parents who envy your pre-pubescent professional success, your young supple bodies, your flat abs and total lack of wrinkles, and amazingly dexterous opposable thumbs. It’s just that we cant remember our own names and phone numbers let alone all the new acronyms, emoticons and slang terms you and your generation have created to replace normal social intercourse, the human language and classic literature. Ok, I said it…we feel left out and we want a piece of your wicked awesomeness.   Peace Out….or is that even used anymore? See what I mean??

http://rookiemag.com/

Cliff Mazer, Ph.D. aka CaptCliff is a therapist, Psychologist and humorist who lives in Sandy Spring, Georgia. He loves Pirates, can talk like one and likes to lament when he isn’t eating Triscuits.
Contact:  404-932-7193 He writes a sarcastic blog on WordPress at https://captaincliff.wordpress.com
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Happy Spiritual Valentines Day

Posted on February 14, 2013 by captaincliff
it-puts-the-lotion

 

Does anybody remember being a kid and filling out those stacks of cheap but colorful Valentines Day cards? Do you remember the little multi-colored candy hearts and the various sayings on them? I remember take the time to pick out the ones that said “Marry Me” because that was just too freaky weird at age nine or ten.  I distinctly remember wanting to get as many cards from as many classmates as possible thinking that “more is better” and that a paper bag bulging with store bought valentines was a sign of being popular and well-liked in school. If I didn’t get one from a “popular” girl or someone who I had a crush on it actually hurt my feelings and made me feel shitty. I wished the world could be more “fair” in that respect and I sometimes fantasized what it would be like to “control” how people felt towards me like some elementary school Svengali King. In general I guess l I wanted everybody to either like me, think I was “really cute” or at least look up to me in some age-appropriate way… which usually meant being a good athlete.  Kinda unrealistic considering I was always the second smallest kid in class and extremely skinny to boot. Also, up until high school I never excelled at anything except maybe dodgeball and that was only because I was fairly clever and knew how to duck. In retrospect, I dont think I ever really succeeded at that very human desire and exceedingly social pursuit (to be super cool and popular) and no doubt I have the childhood scars to prove it. It all seems pretty superficial looking back on it.

 

Superficiality aside, the idea I remembered (again) recently is how important it is to consciously  let go of ones false sense of control over most things, to open ones heart to both joy and pain and especially to let God (atheists insert “higher power” here) or something greater then oneself to motivate and drive ones pursuits in life. The sense of connection to God is a very personal matter and something one uniquely perceives/feels and perhaps “practices”. The loss or forgetting of this deeper connection can be due to many understandable reasons that include human apathy, anxiety, trauma, existential alienation, loss of “faith”, anger, depression, ego-hubris, cynicism, laziness, too much focus on money (or cocaine) , personal vanity and compulsivity/addiction in a culture that is about as far from spiritual as McDonalds is from gourmet food. I’m talking about a personal felt spiritual connection here and not religion, altho to be honest I dont consider playing with rattlesnakes while quoting bible verses to be a valid form of spiritual practice. By the way, I raised my hand on most of the factors above that can get in the way of ones ongoing spiritual connection and growth. A lot of the things that happen in the course of ones life really cause damage to our souls and really hurt…alot. I guess like many other people I need to keep working on consciously opening my “heart chakra” and seeking deeper and more authentic connections with others and with myself.

I also must admit that just watching too much TV (or being online) , while very entertaining and an excellent distraction can make one either dumb as a doorknob or even worse, actually stupid enough to care about how things are going with Snooki and her new baby. Work can also be physically exhausting and mind-numbing for a lot of people. Not working on the other hand, can make one crazy or bored to death. Like physical activity or exercise there apparently is such a thing as spiritual inertia as well as spiritual momentum. Maybe it (spiritual connectedness) is just the natural mind-body opposite (or counter-balance) to working out, being physically fit and eating healthy…or in my case, not falling back into a really bad habit of late night Triscuit binges or scarfing down double Oreos by the sleeve.

To lose ones mojo (inner strength), spiritual power or core beliefs about life is a bit like being sexually impotent. Once you go limp and lose interest, it feels like there is nothing left to do with ones primary purpose or libido (psychic/sexual energy), literally or figuratively. It’s like NASA having a rocket on the launchpad and no outer space to penetrate or explore for the sake of scientific discovery.  If you cant explore “strange new worlds where no man or woman has gone before” spiritually speaking, then you not only aren’t going anywhere but there is little true meaning in being here ( conscious and sentient being on Planet Earth) except maybe procreation and praying that you dont get cancer or have a massive heart attack. Such basically neurotic or superstitious options, including hopping around on one foot while trying to ward off the kinnehora (evil spirits) are NOT what one would call awe-inspiring or soul enriching human endeavors. They are the booby prize of a depressed soul that is not moving forward spiritually.

To know that there are at least a few people in the world who love me and share my core beliefs (and super sarcastic/quirky “spin” on things) is to not feel quite so all alone in this vast uncharted Universe, a place that operates on Cosmic algorithms and quantum principles that I will NEVER be able to adequately fathom. The best that I/we can do as human beings is identify and stick to our own higher principles, attempt to live our lives consistent with our personal values, and forgive oneself for being so very human. Guilt and shame are the black holes of the psyche. It also helps to “lighten up” and laugh… especially at yourself. Therefore I can only say  on this Valentines Day… thank you to my friends for being in my cosmic orbit at this particular quantum time, place, and dimension of existence.  Your love, kindness and understanding, regardless of my frail human ego and admitted eccentricity has helped me to deal with my past wounds and open my heart. I will keep working on it.  Certainly I know I have a ways to go… Btw, Happy Valentines Day. What a weird weird occasionally wonderful world it is.  Love, Cliff, aka CaptCliff

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Mock Review: Carnival Triumph

Posted on February 14, 2013 by captaincliff

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Dear Sirs: I have to take issue with some of the amenities and services provided to us on the Carnival Triumph and the “vacation” cruise I am currently STILL on with my family. I should have known something was off on our initial boarding in Galveston when they kept playing the theme song to “Titanic” and “Gilligans Island” over and over on the PA system. Also the head bursar inadvertently referred to the Lido deck as “Shantytown” as we headed to our smallish inside cabin. It was only in retrospect that I recognized his prophetic Freudian slip. Speaking of slips, the Triumph’s decks and hallways are now encrusted with human feces, raw sewage and tar-colored diesel oil and, as a result, I dont believe I will ever think of the midnite chocolate buffet in the same way ever again.


Even tho we are still not back to port as I type this review in total darkness with a nearly empty can of Tropical Mango Glade Mist in one hand and a barf bag on my lap, I am still committed to providing Tripadvisor readers with a fair and balanced assessment. God knows the ship itself is not balanced or fair. The highly sophisticated  hydraulic “stabilizers” that were touted as making the cruise ship “seasick proof” (think Titanic and “unsinkable”) are apparently only fully operable when the ship has electrical propulsion and is not being pulled by a tugboat. Bummer, right?

But hey, who needs to be fully upright anyway when the stench of urine, vomit and poop is so intense that the very thought of trying to run the hallway gauntlet through hundreds of nauseous and miserable passengers high on Compazine and warm beer to the one still functioning soft serve ice cream venue is enough to make anyone go on a 7-day cleansing fast.  Speaking of cleansing, I dont think I will EVER be clean or bacteria free again. I am hoping we are met by a fire brigade in Mobile Alabama wearing Hazmat suits and carrying fire hoses filled with Lysol. A hot tub overflowing with mercurochrome and bleach sounds luxurious to me at this point.

You probably are wondering where the rest of my family are. The kids went to a seminar on iPhone flashlight apps and my wife Gloria is “resting” and may possibly have contracted the Bubonic Plague. A simple noro-virus would be considered minor at this point. Gloria did roll over and moaned something inaudible several hours ago. I believe it was a Yiddish curse but I cant be certain. On a positive note, I do know they have managed to regain electrical power in two forward compartments and a single amphitheater using an ingenious survival technique a crew member learned while watching some barefoot hippie named Cody on TV. They are apparently also using prescription lenses taken from several first class passengers and a dozen designer glasses from the Sunglass Hut in the Main Concourse to make a fire and create solar power for a handheld generator. Hey, It’s kinda like Lord of the Flies around here, lol!

Did I mention we have taken the Captain prisoner and plan to roast him over an open charcoal pit covered in banana leaves?  We’re calling it “Hawaiian Luau Survivors Nite” and its casual attire with optional sanitary face masks which is a good thing because I cant find any of my shoes or formal wear. There is also going to be a bonfire on deck, a live human sacrifice and an Anthony Robbin’s type fire-walk ritual in what’s left of the boiler room. I will let you know how he, er, it tastes, as I really enjoy slow-cooking of any kind…especially when the meat that falls right off the bone, yumm. I guess I’m hungrier than I thought! To be honest, freshly harvested organ meat such as the First Officer’s still beating human heart which some disgruntled passengers cut out and offered to the Grand prize bingo winner on Wednesday (in hopes of better luck and increased fertility for the community vegetable garden we planted in desperation) is usually not my thing.  I do like to learn new things on these adventure cruises. A wild-eyed attorney with a lovely outside balcony suite (now completely floating in crap) told me that cannibalism and gambling if it occurs outside established International Waters (3 mile nautical limit) is completely legal. See, I have learned alot on this never ending voyage. Pray for us….please.

Ok, Just kidding.  I went on this boat, the Carnival Triumph several years ago with my kids and it wasn’t bad. I’m sure it will be even better in the future. When I say better I mean better than the Concordia.
Cliff Mazer, Ph.D.  Contact: 404-932-7193
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