captaincliff

Dear Diary, Well its all set up. I’m going to Mexico to live on the beach and be a Mexicana chick!! The old fart who wrote me in jail sent me the 200k he promised me. I would say thats a pretty good deal for 1) free Tequila daily (top shelf only) 2) no more death threats and 3) only having to blow him once a week. I started my online Spanish course and my self-tanning product from QVC came in the mail. I want to be darker than Jose by the time I hit the beach. I also cant wait to get away from that frizzy haired lesbo lawyer who cant stop hugging me…ewww. There is no way that chick is coming to visit me when I move. Well, hasta la vista baby and vaya condido….or is it Vaya candida?  Whatever!

What if I told you I have been sick for a couple days and I am getting bored to tears with my own hacking, wheezing, lying in a prone position, checking my emails for non-existent fan mail, checking my Facebook forums for signs of intelligent life, getting up to eat more Wheat Thins, drinking Nyquil like it its Dasani water, and generally feeling like shit on a stick? I cant even bring myself to turn on the TV because I’ve seen every Law and Order already and even the Weather Channel seems like it’s playing reruns….What is with these tropical storms and their incessant formations in the Gulf of Mexico??  It’s like the weather now has a mind of its own and is toying with us!! Is it the Nyquil shots or did I see Osama Bin Ladens face in the eye of Hurricane Irene??  Ok, I know I need to get a grip and let the Klonopin wafer melt under my tongue, but I still think we are burning off some kind of bad karma with the latest jobs report (one new job for every mysterious death and unexplained suicide) and the report of booku billions of wasted taxpayer dollars in Iraq while Kim Kardashian’s psoriasis has now reached epidemic proportions (a third pustule was identified on Google Earth early this morning).

I know I should just go to sleep and dream of better times, like Boulder Colorado in the 70s, or Hawaii anytime minus the disco period, but I cant shake the feeling that there is something creepy going on that any ordinary Mayan with a calendar could explain. Too bad we killed them all, enslaved their children and forced them to renounce their silly Gods for our ….equally silly God. You cant even find a Mayan when you need one nowadays. At least our God doesnt play hoops with human heads and we’re civilized enough to not tear live beating hearts out of our enemy’s chest. We sign multiple consent forms and HIPPA notifications first and prefer waterboarding. Anyway. i digress…I’m sick.

Disclaimer: Because I actually do believe in God, and dont want any more bad karma…I hereby henceforth apologize for offending him/her/it in any way that would reflect poorly on my next incarnation. I really need the next one to be a smooth sweet ride with lots of good luck and please please no lactose intolerance….not again.

I’m sorry for cussing but some news stories just beg the question, “How is this even fucking possible??”

Check this out:  http://www.wftv.com/news/28978780/detail.html?cxntlid=cmg_cntnt_rss

Ok, do you see what I mean?

How do two (as opposed to just one) moving vehicles end up in a swimming pool and how does a guy end up getting crushed to death in between them?  What was he doing in the swimming pool to begin with? …I wasn’t aware that swimming pools are utilized by auto mechanics. How do you go to this poor shlub’s funeral and NOT cry out loud, “This was so frickin’ weird!!  How did this happen???” Anyway, I just wanted a few other humanoids to witness my consternation and maybe give me an amen on the “beyond weird factor” operating in this particular situation/event…..Sort of Final Destination-ish, don’t you think? Wait, Orlando, swimming pool? Somehow Casey Anthony was involved………..

The London Riots: How do we explain them? Alienation meets opportunity?  Young nihilistic ragers bearing Blackberries beget and become uber-greedy and hyper-materialistic? How about mass psychology and peer pressure?  Is it more an expression of Clockwork Orange 2011 or Planet of the Apes with a British twist?  If Phillip Zimbardo could turn Stanford college freshmen into Nazi prison wardens all those many years ago, then why couldn’t a few militant activists and anarchists prime the pump and get a flash mob of bored and empty headed youth on school break to play Demolition Derby and Supermarket Sweep on the rain slicked streets of London’s commercial district?

Its easy to consider them all hooligans and opportunistic thieves, but let’s face it, many of us outraged observers and so called “older and wiser” people, if faced with a situation in which enough of our own emotional, moral and structural supports were removed also have it in us to “revert” to our more primitive and self centered impulses. Let’s be honest, under the right or wrong conditions (think Hurricane Katrina, a blizzard, a war zone, a sick baby at home and no cash reserves, etc.) wouldn’t you steal food from a food stall or clothing from a large department store? How about a stereo or iPad? Would it matter if you saw hundreds of your friends doing it first and heard other people saying, “hey, they got plenty insurance to cover the loss!”  It may sound harsh, but we are all still bipedal primates dressed up in a culture-bound costume of human civility and self-restraint. If enough screws came loose or someone or something tugged loose the threads of moral conscience from our carefully constructed super-egos, many of us would also show a similar capacity for extreme monkey business in the form of stealing, vandalism, violence, aggression, and unrestrained herd mentality. How else did Richard Nixon get elected and how many or us at first thought it was a great idea to bomb the shit out of Iraq?

Disclaimer: This news update is NOT for the squeamish.

Reunion Update:  In addition to my intensive and much belated exercise regime, I just scheduled a session of “colonic therapy” for myself. The name of the place is “Sacred Waters”.  Jesus, what an inspired marketing campaign they must have. Step up to the machine, bend over, say a Hamotzi, and allow the high priestess (reserved for high colonics) to switch on the power washer……….I’m looking forward to it in a strange way and can only hope to have my sins washed away as well as all the “junk” in my (intestinal) trunk. The last time I remember this kind of fun was with a high school buddy, Dave Dolgin, who in Hawaii once took me to a place  and insisted he “man the controls”. Thanks to Dave I am still finding bits and pieces of my gastrointestinal tract in my jocky shorts. Luckily the stoma bag works well and my cabin boy doesnt mind changing my diapers all that much…….

Just received this offer by email: “Engage and capture your community in this powerful, configurable and extensible conversation platform. Enable users to log in and share with their choice of social network and/or your own proprietary login. Traffic,Trending,Spam and bad word filtering, advanced moderation tools and more. Increase engagement, time spent. Real-time commenting also pulls in tweets about your content when someone mentions it on Twitter”……

Would somebody please just pull the plug on the frickin’ Matrix?  Also, when I woke up yesterday I noticed there were several suspiciously symmetrical surgically implanted relay ports on the back of my neck. At least one is for a USB cable. Of course I dont have the right one…..Cant you young people see where this is all going?? You dont really want a world where sex first involves a trip to Radio Shack to pick up dual compatible HDMI jacks and a router, do you?? I admit the “party streaming function” sounds interesting, but things are getting way out of hand….literally. Arggh!